


Hurry Boy, It's Waiting There For You

by unknownusername



Series: I'm Never Gonna Dance Again (guilty feet have got no rhythm) [2]
Category: IT (2017)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Childhood Trauma, Eddie and Richie are both oblivious, Eddie's mom is not a nice lady, Explicit Language, M/M, Nightmares, PTSD, Past Sexual Abuse, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Richie's parents are kind of shit too, and when eddie is like lol good one richie is screaming inside, because i love my daughter and she deserves to be happy dammit, because that book is dead to me, bev moved away but she came back, but it will not be graphic, does not follow canon of the second book, in regards to bev's past which will be talked about, love triangle whom? i dont know her, mike and bev are going to get the love they deserve if its the last thing i do, richie is constantly flirting with eddie, this sounds really sad but it isnt i swear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-01-30 12:34:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 75,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12653634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknownusername/pseuds/unknownusername
Summary: After literally the worst fucking summer that has ever existed ever, the Losers have a hard time adjusting back to normal life.The Losers' life from That Summer to high school graduation. Dealing with PTSD would be hard enough but adding on an overprotective mother, thoughts about his best friend that Eddie knew he shouldn't have, and the looming threat of Pennywise is more than Eddie can handle.





	1. This summer can kiss my ass (a prologue)

**Author's Note:**

> i cant believe people wanted to see more of this story and it means so much that you guys liked it. this is going to take place after the movie ends and will continue to go through their teenage years. i dont know if i will have a posting schedule, as i am in college which is Hell, but i really love this story and i am going to finish it. also theres been a lot of controversy sort of about shipping younger characters and i want to say right now that there will be no underage sex stuff. And i think its okay to ship the characters as long as you recognize that they are characters who are minors and the actors who represent them are not actually them. I dont think shipping these characters is bad because their relationship is a cute innocent teenage crush, at least in my perspective. we all had those and theres nothing wrong with them. and people shouldnt make others feel bad about liking this ship thats like getting mad at JK Rowling for writing about harrys relationships in her books like ???? no. and that gross (spoiler sort of) orgy whatever the fuck king wrote about in the first book did not happen. okay enough rambling now i hope you guys enjoy the story.

The first day of school was tomorrow and Eddie was looking forward to it less than ever before. He didn’t think he could hate school more than he already did, but wow was he fucking wrong about that one. The only benefit he could see was that at least he’d be able to leave this fucking house. After the day in the sewers, when Eddie’s mom burst into the sheriff’s station crying hysterically and demanding to know what the hell happened to her kid, Eddie hadn’t been allowed to leave the house. He mostly stayed locked in his room except when he sneaked downstairs to grab food. Every morning his mom would knock on his door and cheerfully announce it was time for breakfast and for him to take his pills. Eddie never got out of bed and she eventually gave up and went downstairs. It made him so angry that she acted as if nothing had happened; as if he didn’t figure out his pills and supposed fragility was bullshit. He didn’t want to take his pills, but he knew his mom would find a way to make him, so he stayed in his room. He stayed in bed most of the day curled under his covers and listening to cassette tapes Richie had made for him in the past. They all had different themes to them, and Richie had attached a note to each tape listing the songs and dumb ramblings next to them. Some of Eddie’s favorites were, “Songs to get Fucked Up to”, “Songs I’m Disappointed You Don’t Already Know” and “Lame Songs You’d Probably Like”.

Eddie didn’t sleep a lot. He jumped at every sound and he had to leave at least one light on at night because the dark creeped him out too much now. The night after the day in the sewers, Eddie laid wide awake in bed, with the door locked tight, the blinds shut, and the closet door blocked by his bookcase. It was about two in the morning when he heard tapping from his window and he froze in terror. It was only when he heard a muffled, “Eddie wake the fuck up” that he got out of bed and raised the blinds.

“Richie, what the fuck?” Eddie hissed after he forced open the window. Richie was sat on the small roof below Eddie’s window, clad in jeans and a t shirt, and grinning like mad. Eddie looked nervously over his shoulder, straining to hear if his mom got up.

“Don’t worry, your mom’s not waking up anytime soon, I wore her out.”

“Beep beep, idiot,” Eddie grabbed Richie by the collar of his shirt and dragged him inside. “What the fuck are you doing out here it’s fucking two in the morning.”

Richie squirmed through the window and straightened up, adjusting his glasses. Eddie closed the window after him and shut the blinds again, still absurdly paranoid that he would look out the window and see the clown there staring back at him.

“Come on, Eddie, did you really think I was going to leave you by yourself under lockdown after all that shit? The rest of us are sleeping over at Bill’s but I snuck out.”

Eddie felt something in his heart clench and he blinked at Richie for a moment before smiling slightly and giving his arm a shove. “Sap,”

Richie rolled his eyes, “Sure, whatever.” Eddie crawled back into bed while Richie kicked off his shoes and shucked off his jeans. He wiggled into the left side of the bed, where he always slept when he slept over, and rolled over to face Eddie.

“Everyone’s fucked up,” he said quietly, “Bill woke up crying once already and Stan hasn’t said a word since he left the hospital.”

Eddie grabbed Richie’s hand where it lay between them and frowned down at them. “I don’t think we’re going to be okay for a while.”

“Yeah,” Richie sighed. They were quiet and let the sense of safety of having each other nearby roll over them. Eddie felt sleepier already. He was already exhausted, but he didn’t want to sleep, he knew he’d only have nightmares. He felt Richie squeeze his hand and he looked up again. “We’re going to be okay, though, alright?”

Eddie involuntarily smiled and scooted closer to Richie. He neatly picked off Richie’s glasses and placed them on the nightstand before settling back down. Richie looked younger without his glasses, and right here in the quiet of his room he seemed more vulnerable. Eddie would usually never use the word vulnerable to apply to Richie, he was always loud and carefree. But Richie was just as scared as Eddie was, just as alone. They both had shit family lives and they both were losers, but they had each other. And that was enough. They’d be alright.

“Yeah,” Eddie agreed. “Go to sleep, Richie.”

“I love it when you order me around.”

“Go to fucking sleep, asshole.”

Since then, Richie snuck over almost every night. They both had nightmares, but they didn’t talk about them. If one of them woke up choking on tears or gasping in fear, the other would wake up with them, wrap them up in their arms and lie back down. They usually didn’t sleep after those, but sometimes Eddie caught himself drifting off in Richie’s arms, feeling warm and safe. The nights Richie didn’t sleepover, Eddie couldn’t go to sleep and ends up watching the sunrise through his window. Richie usually stayed throughout the morning, but with his mom constantly hovering outside his door, he had to leave in case she heard him. Eddie would rather he stay the nights anyways, at least then his mother left him alone. Richie filled him in on what was happening outside his house and passed messages for the other losers. Eddie wished he could see them, but he was so tired all the time and if his mother caught him sneaking out or his friends trying to sneak in, Eddie was afraid she’d make them move states. So, Richie kept him updated and Eddie contented himself with that.

Richie told him that the police bought their story, even the part where Bowers killed all those kids. He said it helped when they discovered Henry had killed his dad right before trying to throw them down the well. The police think that the older bodies are either due to Henry’s dad, or someone who passed on the ritual of kidnapping and killing kids down to Henry. Bev told the cops her dad had been abusing her for years and apparently had evidence to back it up. Her dad, who was unfortunately still alive, got sent to prison and Bev’s aunt had been contacted. For now, Bev stayed at Bill’s house where most of the losers spent their time. Eddie didn’t blame them for not wanting to be alone.

Georgie got a proper funeral, closed casket. Eddie wanted to go, to hug Bill and mourn with him, but his mother kept a sharp eye on him that day, catching him when he went down for food and making him sit in the living room with her. Most of the other bodies got proper burials, but some, who had no family members left to claim them, got cremated and placed in a mausoleum.

The only time out of the remaining summer that Eddie managed to sneak out was the day before Bev was set to leave with her aunt to Portland. Richie slept over the night before and in the morning, told Eddie it was probably the last time they’d see Bev, at least for a while. Eddie decided that was a good enough reason to sneak out and risk getting caught by his mother. They went to the Barrens together and after the rest of the Losers showed up and hugged Eddie, they cut their hands, stood in a circle with said hands clasped with one another and made a blood oath. If It ever came back, in two years or in twenty-seven, they would come back to fight It and stop It from killing again. Eddie hoped to God It stayed dead forever, but he wasn’t naïve enough to believe it.

They stayed in the Barrens for a while, catching up and joking around until they had to leave, one by one. Everyone hugged Bev before leaving and Eddie tried not to feel hopeless.

“We’ll see each other again,” Bev said when she pulled away from hugging Eddie and noticed his eyes brimming up with tears. She smiled shakily, her eyes damp as well, and gently knocked her hand under his chin, “Chin up, Eddie. You guys aren’t losing me yet.”

Only a week later school started and that left Eddie, about to leave his house for more than two hours since the sewer, walking quietly down the stairs. He was hoping his mom was still asleep, since it was six in the morning. Eddie hadn’t slept all night, Richie couldn’t stay yesterday because he needed to get ready for school as well. They promised to meet up at the bike stand just like they did every year.

Everyone in town knew that the Losers Club was involved in Bowers dying and finding the bodies of the missing kids, even if they didn’t know the specifics. Eddie wasn’t looking forward to being more of a freak than usual in the town’s eyes. He knew everyone would be whispering behind his and his friends’ backs, that even the teachers would stare at them with narrowed eyes. Worse than that, though, was that Eddie didn’t think he could go back to acting normal. He was constantly paranoid, and he felt isolated knowing that no one else except the Losers Club knew what had happened that day. Eddie wasn’t scared of It anymore, they kicked Its ass and sent him back to hell, but he didn’t know what the feeling was when his chest got so tight he couldn’t breathe or when he heard a loud sound and instantly thought he was being attacked. It felt like asthma, but did he even have asthma? It felt like he did but for all he knew it was another lie his mother had fed him to make him dependent on her. He hated her in these moments, when he questioned what the fuck was real in his goddamn life. He felt like he had been living a lie and now he didn’t know what to do with himself. He still hated germs, he still found himself reaching for his fanny-pack that was no longer there. He didn’t know anything about himself anymore and he sure as fuck didn’t know about the rest of the world. He constantly wondered where It had come from. It wasn’t human, or an animal, or like anything from this world. An alien maybe? Wasn’t the government supposed to be hiding aliens or was that a dumb theory Richie had gotten stuck in his head? Was there more of It out there? If so, how many, and where were they? Eddie didn’t want to know, but at the same time craved something to hold onto, some logic that would make the world make sense again.

It was these thoughts that Eddie found himself contemplating when his mother caught him coming into the kitchen. He looked up and saw the bottle of pills lined up on the kitchen counter.

“I’m not taking them,” he said immediately. “You can’t make me.”

“Eddie-bear, you need them! You’re sick and I worry about you. How will you be safe if you don’t take your medicine, Eddie?” his mom explained. She was wearing her too tight tracksuit that hadn’t seen a track a day in its life and had her hands on her hips. Eddie walked past her, grabbed a granola bar and an apple, and walked away.

“Eddie!” she called after him. He kept walking as he heard her sobbing after him. He hated that he still felt guilty, that he still wanted to please her, even though she was the one that should feel guilty. He hopped on his bike and took off down the street when he heard her open the front door after him and disappeared from her view around the corner.

A couple of houses down, Eddie could see Richie sitting on his bike in front of his house. He perked up when he saw Eddie and grinned.

“Hey Eds,” he said as Eddie pulled up next to him. “Miss me?”

“Shut up, Trashmouth,” Eddie huffed, and started to pedal away. He heard Richie pedal after him and was soon riding alongside him. The morning air was cool and hurt his lungs, but it would warm up by noon. There were barely any clouds in the sky when they arrived at school, and barely anyone there as well.  Eddie and Richie parked their bikes on the bike rack and waited for the rest of the Losers to show up. School didn’t start until seven fifteen and it was only six thirty, but they had agreed to meet up early today to compare class schedules and Richie had relayed this to Eddie yesterday.

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” Richie said with a shit eating grin. Eddie rolled his eyes, but dug his schedule out from his backpack to pass it over anyways. Richie pushed up his glasses as he scanned over the paper. “Fucking sweet, we have English and second year biology together.”

Eddie peered over his shoulder, trying to remember what period that was. “Are the others taking Biology this year?”

“Who fucking knows, man.” Richie took out his schedule to compare their teachers. “I think Stan took health last year, so he has to take first year bio. I can’t remember if Bill did.”

“Me neither,” Eddie sighed. He didn’t know what Ben’s schedule would look like, since they only became friends after school had let out last year. He looked up when he heard bikes rolling down the street and saw Ben, Bill and Stan riding up. Bill and Stan lived close together and had been riding to school together forever, and Ben lived along their route and joined them this year. Eddie was sort of glad, he liked spending the mornings alone with Richie. It was always something he looked forward to.

“Hey guys,” Bill said when they hopped off their bikes. “How’s t-the s-schedule?”

“Me and Eds got Biology together again this year,” Richie flung an arm around Eddie shoulder and pulled him to his side. “Lab partners forever.”

Eddie shoved Richie, but didn’t pull away. “Shut up, we all know you only took biology because I would do all the labs and you could copy.”

“What can I say, Spaghetti Man, you know me so well.”

“Don’t call me that!”

It turns out that Stan and Eddie had math together, they all had the same lunch, and they had the same PE class. Eddie had Bill and Ben in history and for his free elective, he was in workshop. It wasn’t like the workshop class available in high school with the powered tools and huge garages to work on car parts in. It was mostly the theoretical and technical aspect of mechanic engineering which Eddie was looking forward too. Before his dad died, Eddie could faintly recall watching him work on the car and explaining it to Eddie like he would to anyone else. Eddie remembered being grateful that he didn’t say Eddie couldn’t watch because he wouldn’t understand, like how his mother always coddled him. After that, Eddie had a knack with fixing things. He liked working on Silver, Bill’s old bike, best. It was the oldest bike out of the group, so Bill would ask Eddie to look at it occasionally to make sure it was still holding up. He hoped the teacher wasn’t an asshole, like most of the teachers were.

“Do you think Bower’s old gang is going to be looking for us today?” Ben asked as he walked to their first classes of the day.

Stan made a face, making the scars on his face crinkle up. They weren’t very visible unless you were looking for them, they were mostly hidden by his hair. “They’d be dumb if they tried. They’re down two assholes, they can’t cause too much terror on their own.”

“I d-don’t know,” Bill glanced around them as if they would jump out from a corner any second. “B-Bowers was enough t-trouble on his own.”

“Nah, they’re like headless chickens without him and Hockstetter,” Richie shook his head in dismissal. “Did you guys hear what the cops found in Hockstetter’s room?”

“Dead bodies? Wouldn’t be surprised,” Eddie guessed.

“Close, my dear Eddie. They found a fridge full of dead animals,” Richie lowered his voice for once and they all leaned in closer to hear. “I heard the cops talking about it when I was hiding in the arcade after hours.”

“What the hell were you doing in the arcade after hours?” Eddie demanded.

“Eds, shush that’s not important right now. What is important is that when they were making rounds, they were saying how his room is like some weird taxidermist’s wet dream, except the bodies hadn’t been stuffed yet. And Hockstetter’s parents didn’t give a shit that he had gone missing, they said he scared them and that he was a demented kid.”

“What the fuck?” Stan asked, looking bewildered. “No fucking way.”

“I’m serious! I mean, are we surprised? That whole gang is full of psychopaths.”

“That’s true,” Bill acknowledged. “I believe it.”

“I knew they were fucked up, but holy shit,” Eddie shook his head.

“This whole town is fucked up,” Ben said. “Everyone here acts like it’s the fifties.”

“What do you mean?” Eddie asked.

“I don’t know, I guess everyone is just super conservative. It wasn’t like this at my old town, and adults weren’t great, but they didn’t ignore missing kids and they could actually see stuff.”

“Maybe it’ll be different,” Bill said quietly, “Now that It’s gone.”

They didn’t say anything, as if they agreed out-loud they might jinx it. The first bell rang, and Eddie parted from the group with Bill and Ben for their first period history. Richie smacked a kiss against his cheek before he left and jumped out of the way before Eddie could shove him off.

“Have a good class, Eddie Spaghetti!” he called out.

“Fuck off, Trashmouth!” Eddie yelled back, but he was smiling as he watched Richie walk backwards and wave at him. Stan, who was walking with him, rolled his eyes, and grabbed his arm, dragging him along, which made Richie stumble and laugh.

Bill shook his head fondly, “Come on, g-guys,” he said. “L-let’s get t-this day over w-with.”


	2. In the back of the class, blank stare, don't care, don't ask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie was scared he was losing his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter discusses PTSD but it's not directly said i mostly go over the behaviors associated with it like, lack of sleep, nightmares, paranoia, anxiety, dissociation etc. For the depression and anxiety, i write it based on my experiences with it and not everyone is the same. If i ever cover a certain subject i will always have warning in the notes in case anything is a trigger. And if i forget a warning please tell me in the comments below because i want everyone to be comfortable and have a good time reading. And fair warning here, later in the story there will be graphic scenes involving abuse because this story gonna get real angsty before it gets happy. In those cases i will warn you where those scenes are in the chapter and give a brief, not graphic summary of what happened in the end chapter notes.

School did not get better. Eddie was used to being picked on, he was used to being ignored or stepped on. But having everyone, and he did mean everyone even Mrs. Hopkins the librarian who Eddie swore was blind last semester, constantly stare at him started to drive him insane. He could feel their stares and he hated when he walked into a room and it became unnaturally quiet. Eddie hated attention; it made him twitchy and uncomfortable. And with his now constant paranoia that everything was out to get him, Eddie felt like a live wire. He didn’t get any peace at home. His mother continued to act as if he never found out the truth, so he continued to avoid her.

Bill, Ben, and Stan voiced their displeasure about their apparent fame, but Richie didn’t seem to care much.

“They’re going to stare anyways,” he said when they questioned him. They were at lunch and Richie was absentmindedly pulling at the strings of his hoodie. “Besides, I can’t help it that I’m naturally hot as fuck.”

They didn’t discuss it after that, but Eddie still hated it. He didn’t think he’d ever say this, but he’d rather go back to getting beat up. At least that only lasted a few minutes. Nothing ever happened in Derry, or if something did, everybody unanimously ignored it. But nobody was ignoring them now. Eddie thought it was because missing kids and other tragedies became so commonplace that it was unthinkable that a bunch of thirteen-year old kids stopped it.

Eddie still didn’t sleep much. Richie still spent the night as much as possible, and since school had started, Eddies mom wasn’t able to hover over him so much. He spent most of the weekends with the Losers. On Fridays they all slept over at Bill’s, Mike came over which was always nice. He was usually busy with the farm now that he was big enough to do more work. On Saturdays they usually went to the quarry or the barrens. By that night, Eddie’s mom was kicking up enough fuss, calling the Denbrough’s every two minutes, that he headed home.

He always felt either like everything was too much at once, that every sound was amplified, and everything was too bright, or he didn’t feel much at all. He didn’t know which one was worse, but they both sucked. Eddie was always exhausted but unable to relax. He wanted to lie down in his room forever and ignore the world around him.

Bill was much the same, but since he was naturally an optimistic person, he hid it well most days. Stan jumped at sounds worse than Eddie did. Mike told them once in the dark safety of Bill’s room, that he could hear Henry’s body hit the floor and his neck break every time he tried to sleep. They all told them it wasn’t his fault, that there was nothing he could’ve done, but Mike was a good person and he felt guilty all the same. Richie seemed the least affected, but Eddie was there when he woke up terrified out of his mind. Richie was always good at hiding things.

It was a couple of days from Halloween and Eddie had never hated the holiday more. People were beginning to put up decorations, and Eddie saw shadows everywhere. The mannequins on the front lawns of people’s house was the worst. He swore he could see them move.

Eddie was scared he was losing his mind.

It all came to a head when Eddie was walking to the arcade to meet with Richie one afternoon. He was caught up in his thoughts again, where he seemed to be most days now, and wasn’t paying attention to where he was going. In Eddie’s defense, he had gotten so used to being avoided instead of being beat up that he wasn’t as cautious as he should have been.

He turned a street corner and came face to face with It. Eddie froze in terror, frantically trying to remember where the others were, were they safe or did It get them before It came for Eddie? Oh, god, Richie was alone at the arcade did It already get him? Eddie needed to get away, he needed to get the fuck away _right fucking now_. It must have only been a few seconds, but to Eddie it felt like a lifetime had passed standing in front of that clown. Eddie reared back, kicked the clown in the gut and ran. He heard yelling behind him, and footsteps quickly gaining on him. He ran faster than he thought he could, tearing around street corners and ducking into alleys to try and lose It. He didn’t know where the fuck he was by the time the footsteps faded away, and he couldn’t fucking breathe.

Eddie staggered to the wall closest to him. He was in an alley of some kind, and it was dark, and he prayed that he had gotten away, and It wasn’t just toying with him. He knew he needed to get up and go find the others, make sure they were okay and tell them what the fuck was going on, but he _couldn’t fucking breathe_.

The next thing he was aware of, was faint yelling and something was shaking him. He still couldn’t breathe and guessed he must have blacked out because he couldn’t remember anything after getting away. He only remembered It chasing him and the terror of not knowing if his friends were alive. He tried to get up, shoving the hands off him and crawling away, but he was barely wheezing any air at this point. It was almost fucking hilarious that he was going to die from not being able to fucking breathe before It got to kill him. He felt like laughing, like this was him being able to say one last fuck you to It and take away Its’ chance to kill him.

“Eddie!” Someone yelled, grabbing him again.

Eddie wanted to tell them to fuck off and stop ruining his dramatic fucking exit scene, but something was pushing past his mouth and a rush of cool air puffed into his mouth. He gasped in a breath, and another burst of air was forcing its way into his mouth and filling his lungs. He dimly became aware that his chest was burning, and he was being propped up against something.

“…. Eddie can you hear me?” his hearing started to fade in. His vision was mostly gray, but he could make out someone kneeling in front of him. Another puff of air filled his lungs and he felt his body slump in relief at the sight of Richie in front of him. His eyes were wide with worry, and he was holding up an inhaler to Eddie’s mouth.

“Eds?” he asked. He had one hand cupping the side of Eddie’s face and Eddie let himself relax. He knew Richie, he knew these hands, he was okay. “It’s okay Eds, you’re okay. I got you, you’re okay, we’re okay.”

Eddie pushed weakly at the inhaler, trying to tell Richie that It was back, but Richie firmly pressed the inhaler against Eddie’s mouth.

“Don’t talk right now, Eddie,” Richie’s free hand was now pushing Eddie’s hair back and it was oddly soothing. “Usually, I could listen to you talk about diseases all day, but I just found you almost dead in an alley so maybe we could save the sweet-talk for later.”

Eddie was too exhausted to be annoyed. Richie let the inhaler fall away after another minute and used both hands to tilt Eddie’s head up.

“You okay?” Richie asked.

“It,” Eddie sounded like he’d been chain-smoking for longer than he’d been alive, and his throat was fucking killing him, “It’s back.”

Richie frowned at him, shaking his head, “Eddie, no It isn’t.”

Eddie wanted to yell at him but settled for glaring at him.

“You saw a clown, right?” Richie checked. Eddie nodded fervently. “It was a couple of assholes in some masks. They were trying to scare kids. I heard them yelling from the arcade and when I looked outside, they were chasing you.”

Eddie shook his head, because that couldn’t have been it. He would’ve known the difference, right? He tried to look back on it, but he could only remember the petrifying fear. Richie stroked a hand through his hair and ducked down to look at Eddie’s face.

“It’s okay, Eds, you thought It was back. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought the same at some point.”

Jesus Christ, Eddie really was losing it. He felt tears sting at his eyes and he wanted to be furious. He wanted to not be affected by this stupid fucking clown anymore and he wanted a fucking goddamn night of uninterrupted sleep. He was so tired.

He didn’t realize he was crying until Richie pulled him into a hug. He ended up half on Richie’s lap, most of his weight on Richie’s chest. He couldn’t even be embarrassed, he was too tired.

It could’ve been fucking hours for all he knew when Richie softly said, “Come on, Eddie,” and urged him to stand up. Eddie’s legs would not stop shaking and couldn’t hold him up, so Richie ended up half carrying half dragging a barely conscious Eddie back to the Tozier residence. Richie’s dad wasn’t there, as usual, and his mom was nowhere in sight, so he quietly took Eddie up to his room and laid him down on the bed. Eddie felt disconnected from his body, a feeling he was reluctantly becoming familiar with.

He saw Richie take his and Eddie’s shoes off and pull back the covers next to him. He tugged Eddie with him until they were both curled under the blankets. Eddie ungracefully flopped over onto his side and slung an arm around Richie’s waist. Richie wrapped an arm under Eddie’s head until Eddie was mostly resting against his chest before taking off his glasses.

“Go to sleep,” Richie whispered. That sounded like the best plan Richie ever came up with, and tucked into Richie’s side, warm and safe and exhausted beyond his years, he thought maybe he could stay asleep tonight. He felt Richie press a kiss on the top of his head before he sunk blissfully into sleep.

 

 

Eddie was going to murder whatever woke him up. His body felt heavy with sleep and he was so comfortable, but there was light glaring into his eyes. He grumbled and rolled over, bumping into something soft. He blinked his eyes open and saw Richie’s sleeping face a couple inches away. Eddie couldn’t remember when he got here, but when he looked around he realized that they weren’t in his room, but in Richie’s. The previous day’s events floated back to him slowly and he felt himself flush with embarrassment. What the fuck was wrong with him? He kicked some guy in the stomach for wearing a clown mask, that wasn’t fucking normal.

“Stop thinking,” Richie mumbled. Eddie startled, looking up at him. Richie’s eyes were still closed, but he was frowning. He slung an arm over Eddie’s waist and tugged him closer, so Eddie’s head was tucked under his chin. “Go back to sleep.”

Eddie closed his eyes, but knew he wasn’t going back to sleep anytime soon. It was a miracle he slept this long already.

Richie held him tighter, “I said stop thinking,”

“Shut up, you can’t hear me thinking.”

Eddie didn’t have to look to know Richie was smiling. “Maybe you can’t but I can. That’s how I know how to get your mom all hot and- “

“I will punch you,” Eddie threatened.

Richie cackled. Eddie could feel his laugh from where his forehead was pressed into Richie’s neck. “Kinky,”

Eddie blushed and shoved at Richie’s shoulder. “Shut up.”

Richie did, and they rested in the sun and sleep warmed bed for a while longer. Eddie wasn’t asleep, and he doubted Richie was either, but it was nice, just lying in each other’s arms with nothing else to do. Eddie briefly thought about his mom, and how she’d be freaking out by now, but it was protocol that when his mom called Bill’s house asking where Eddie was, Bill said Eddie was spending the night but couldn’t come to the phone right now and yes, of course he’d make sure Eddie called in the morning. He really did have great friends.

“Are we going to talk about it?” Eddie asked eventually.

“Do you want to?” Richie mumbled. Eddie shrugged. “I’m not going to make you.”

Eddie was quiet as he thought back to last night, how sure he’d been that It was back, and all his friends were in danger. “I don’t know why I did that.”

Richie shifted so he had both arms around Eddie. “That’s okay.”

“I kicked that guy in the stomach.”

“Yeah, but that was pretty fucking awesome.”

Eddie snorted out a laugh. “Yeah, I’m sure he thought it was too.”

“Fuck that guy, he shouldn’t have been scaring people anyways. It’s not even Halloween yet.”

“We’re not going out for Halloween, are we?” Eddie asked quietly. “I don’t really feel like it this year.”

“I sure as fuck hope not. I had enough scary shit already happen to last me at least three Halloweens.” Richie paused to yawn. “I think we’re going to Bill’s to watch shitty movies and ignore trick or treaters.”

“How do you do that?”

“What?”

“Act so casual about it. I feel like I’m going out of my fucking mind.” Eddie whispered. Richie was quiet as he pulled away to look Eddie in the eyes. Richie’s face was still soft with sleep and he was squinting a bit without his glasses on.

“I’m still scared.” Richie confided to him. “I don’t know if that’ll ever go away. But it feels better now that we’re not alone dealing with it. If we stick together, we’ll be okay. It’d be better if Bev and Mike were with us all the time, but we still have each other. It can’t get us if we’re together.”

Richie could be very insightful when he wanted to be, Eddie thought. He knew that under his goofiness and his dumb jokes, Richie was much more intelligent than he let on. He was stronger than Eddie was, more loyal than anybody Eddie had ever seen, and he loved fiercely. Eddie didn’t know what he did to deserve such amazing friends.

“What happened to your inhaler?” Richie’s question interrupted Eddie’s pondering and he blinked up at Richie.

“What?”

“Your inhaler. You didn’t have it with you last night, you almost passed out.”

Eddie frowned and glared at Richie’s chest. “I don’t even know if that’s real.”

“Well, obviously it’s fucking real, you couldn’t fucking breathe.”

“My mom lied about it all, I told you that.” Eddie huffed out a sigh. “I don’t know if I ever had asthma or if that was a lie too. I don’t know what the fuck is a lie or what’s real. I don’t know anything anymore.”

Richie was quiet for a moment. “Your mom is fucking awful.” He said eventually. Eddie was surprised into a laugh.

“Yeah, she fucking is.” Eddie grinned up at Richie who grinned back.

“I think we can check off asthma as being definitely fucking real.” Richie said. “We’ll just have to figure out the rest ourselves. But, seriously, where the fuck is your inhaler you need to carry that thing around. You almost gave me a heart attack yesterday.”

“Why do you have an inhaler with you, anyways?” Eddie suddenly remembered Richie had pulled one from seemingly nowhere. “You don’t have asthma.”

Richie gives him a look, like Eddie is being especially stupid. “I carry your spare.”

Eddie blinks. “Oh,”

“Keep up, Eds, I’ve been carrying it since you had to be carried out on a stretcher in second grade.” Eddie remembered that day. His mom didn’t let him leave the house for a whole week after he had an asthma attack during recess and his inhaler was stomped on by Bowers. Eddie almost forgot about that. Richie had refused to leave Eddie’s side and forced his way into the ambulance with him. When Eddie woke up in the hospital, Richie was drilling a poor nurse with questions about asthma and emergency procedures. He noticed Eddie was awake first and he grinned before dramatically flinging himself on the bed with Eddie, exclaiming, _“Spaghetti head, thank god. The food here is worse than the shit they serve at school. They don’t even have chocolate pudding! Isn’t that required in all hospitals or something?”_

“Thanks Richie,” Eddie said, smiling up at him. “You’re a big sap, you know that?”

“Oh, shut up, like you don’t carry a glasses repair kit in your backpack.”

“That’s because you’re always breaking the damn things and then I have to listen to you whine about it all day! It’s for my own sake.” Eddie was trying to scowl at Richie, but he was too happy now to pretend to be angry. He and Richie laid in bed the rest of the day, after he had pacified his mother, reading comic books while bickering back and forth. Eddie was reluctant to go home when six o’clock rolled around, but tomorrow was Monday and he’d see his friends at school. He walked home feeling better than he had been for a while.

 

 

Bill and Stan had already heard that Eddie had kicked what turned out to be Belch on Saturday night. Eddie only shrugged when they asked him if he had a death wish. Ben said Belch was looking for Eddie and Eddie resigned himself to hiding for the rest of the week. He sort of wanted Belch to beat him up sooner so Eddie could get it over with. Hiding in the abandoned book sections in the library and constantly looking over his shoulder sounded exhausting. And really, when he put things in perspective, getting his ass kicked again was nothing compared to It.

So, he decided he wouldn’t waste time by hiding too much. Belch was going to find him eventually, unless something else caught his interest before he could.

His day passed like it always did now, people avoided him while at the same time stared him. He hated their wide-eyed looks, they felt like fire on his skin and he was two seconds away from pulling out his own hair by second period. He was sitting in the back of class with Stan, blankly staring ahead as the teacher droned on about algebra. He felt Stan poke his side with a pencil and glanced over with a frown.

Stan raised an eyebrow at him. “You okay? You’re quiet,”

“I think you’re confusing me with Richie.”

Stan heaved a huge sigh like he couldn’t believe these were his friends. Eddie knew Stan was full of shit and he loved them just as much as they loved him. “Don’t act stupid. What’s wrong?”

Eddie shrugged, looking away. The truth was he hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep last night. He slept maybe three hours before he woke up gasping for air. He dreamed of showing up at Bill’s for the weekly movie night and found It standing over his dead friends. Ben’s leg was missing, Bill’s neck was twisted at an unnatural angle and his grayed-out gaze was staring right at Eddie. Stan had his throat ripped out, Eddie didn’t know so much blood could come from one body. Richie was the worst. His stomach was torn open, intestines and tissue spilling out the sides. He was still alive somehow, choking on blood and pleading for Eddie to help him. But Eddie couldn’t move. And he woke up as It ripped off Richie’s head off while laughing manically.

Something touched his arm and he flinched back, almost falling off his chair. He looked wildly to his side where had Stan raised his hands in apology.

“Sorry,” Stan said. Eddie blinked for a minute before easing back in his seat. The rest of the class wasn’t paying him any attention for once. “Eddie, you can tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Eddie sighed, turning back to face the front of the room. “Just the same bullshit as always.”

Stan was quiet for a moment, staring at Eddie with sharp eyes before saying quietly, “I still see It too.”

Eddie jerked his head to look at him in surprise.

Stan shrugged, looking down at his perfectly cut and clean hands. “Nightmares and shit, I keep thinking I can see him following me, but nothing is ever there. I can’t stand looking in mirrors and seeing the scars” Eddie pressed his lips together, looking away from his friend. He hated how much It was still affecting them even though they had killed it. For now, at least, he thought bleakly. He shook off that train of thought, not wanting to go there right now.

“Had a nightmare. Didn’t sleep is all,” Eddie said finally.

“And kicking Belch?”

Eddie scowled at his desk. “He was wearing a clown mask and jumped out of nowhere.”

Stan nodded, reaching out and squeezing Eddie’s hand lightly. “It won’t be this way forever, even if it feels like it will. We’re not going to let It win by being afraid all the time, I’m not giving that fucking asshole anything.”

Eddie smiled at Stan. “Spitting on Its’ grave, Stanley?”

“Fuck yeah I am, I’ll throw a fucking party on it if I want to.” He grinned at Eddie briefly. Eddie hadn’t seen that grin in a while. “You going to join me or what?”

“Yeah, I guess I got nothing better to do.”

Stan rolled his eyes. “You’re starting to sound like Richie.”

“There’s no need to be fucking rude, Stan.”

 

 

During lunch, Eddie figured he had an eighty-five percent chance of getting his ass kicked if he went to the cafeteria. But he was hungry, and it was pizza today, something his mother would never let him eat. And, if Eddie was really being honest with himself, he cared more about the pizza than his own well-being. So, cafeteria it was.

He grabbed a slice of pizza, paid for it, and made a beeline for the Losers usual lunch table. Maybe if he ate really fast he could finish before Belch grabbed him. Stan and Bill were already there, Stan having brought his own lunch and Bill always managed to get to the cafeteria before the rest did, as his class was the closest. He squirted some hand sanitizer on before handing it to Stan who liked to wipe down the table and his hands before he ate, and shoved the pizza down his mouth.

“Wow, we having an eating contest or what?” Richie said, plopping down in the seat next to Eddie with his own tray of pizza. Ben followed and sat across from him, on the other side of Bill.

“I t-think he’s t-trying to finish before B-belch finds him.” Bill said with a wry grin.

“I have ten minutes until that shit head stops smoking under the bleachers, and I am not fucking wasting it.” Eddie said when he paused to breathe and gulp down water. The Losers were watching him with amused expressions as he dug back into his food,

“Maybe you’ll get lucky and he’ll get hit by a bus before he finds you.” Richie offered cheerfully. He was also eating quickly, getting pizza sauce on his face, but that was the usual for him. Stan wrinkled his nose at him and passed him a napkin.

“Clean your fucking face,” Stan said while carefully taking out his food and placing it in their usual places, sandwich in the middle, napkin on the right and sliced apples on the left.

They had about fifteen minutes of peace, which was more than Eddie thought he’d get, when Belch appeared in the cafeteria doorway and his beady eyes zeroed in on the Losers table.

“Great,” Eddie sighed. “I’ll see you guys next week, when my mom lets me out of the fucking hospital again.”

“Hey Losers,” Belch announced loudly. Most of the student body was watching now, always eager for a show. The cafeteria lady was pointedly not looking at this side of the room. Eddie hated that sadistic woman, she fucking had it out for him and he knew it.

“You know it stops becoming insulting when we call ourselves that.” Richie said, because he could never shut up.

“Shut up, Tozier or you’re getting it too.” The blonde one said. Eddie never remembered his name.

“Okay,” Eddie said. He heaved himself to his feet, feeling accomplished at the fact he got to eat his pizza. “Get it over with already.”

Belch and the other one (Tommy? Tim? Eddie really didn’t know) stared at him like he had taken off his shirt and started tap dancing. Even the Losers were quiet, looking up at him with varying degrees of “what the fuck are you doing”. Eddie was used to that look by now, although usually it was directed at Richie.

“What?”

“Did you not fucking hear me, or are you too stupid to understand?” Eddie snapped impatiently. “Hurry the fuck up and hit me already.”

Belch and Shit-stain exchanged bewildered looks. Eddie opened his mouth to dig himself further because he was already getting his ass kicked, might as well, when Richie stood up and stood at Eddie’s side.

“I think what my dear Eddie boy here is trying to say is,” Richie was fumbling with something behind him, he could tell by Stan’s hissed, “goddammit I didn’t get to finish my food”.

Eddie almost jumped in shock when Richie slammed a slice of pizza in Belch’s face. It stays there for a moment, and the cafeteria goes dead silent (even the lunch lady is gaping at them), before sliding off and flopping on the floor. Belch looked like he doesn’t know what fucking world he just walked into and Bill shot up from his chair.

“Move!” he shouted, grabbing Stan who had already packed his lunch in preparation for this. Eddie was roughly shaken out of his shock by Richie, who had reached over for Ben’s pizza and slapped Shit-stain with it before smashing it on top of his face.

“Fucking move, idiot!” Eddie screamed at Richie, grabbing the back of his shirt, and dragging him after Bill and Stan. Ben was already holding the doors that lead outside open, and Bill was frantically yelling at Eddie to hurry.

He could hear Belch and the other one taking off after them and Richie paused to fling a trashcan in their way. He started grabbing people’s lunch trays and pelted Belch with food.

“Food fight!” Richie yelled and the whole of the student body, who until this point was too shocked to move, started scrambling for food. Within seconds, there was shouting and screaming, and food being launched into the air and at walls and at people without discrimination. Belch got caught up in the crowd and couldn’t follow them as they run out the door.

“Richie, what the fuck!” Eddie wanted to slap Richie but that would mean he’d have to stop running and fuck that. Richie was cackling like a fucking idiot as they ran to the opposite side of the school to the usual spot they holed up when Bower’s old gang was looking for them. They leaned against the wall, chests heaving for breath and Eddie has to take a puff of his inhaler because his chest is burning.

“What… the f-fuck, Richie?” Bill gasped out.

“Why did you do that?” Eddie slapped Richie’s arm this time, but Richie didn’t seem bothered, only grinned wider.

“Come on guys,” he says with a shit eating grin that always meant trouble. “I wasn’t going to let my Eddie Spaghetti get beat up all by his lonesome. Now Belch has to take all of us on, and he’s not that idiotic.”

They all gaped at him before almost simultaneously breaking out into reckless laughter. Eddie was almost crying he was laughing so hard and Bill had to slide down the wall and clutch his side, wheezing out, “Holy s-shit, I’ve got a cramp,” which set them off all over again. Richie beamed at them proudly and Eddie felt his chest grow warm with fondness. His fucking friends, what would he do without them?

 

 

They did end up staying in and watching movies at Bill's, although now it was necessary in the sense that Belch was definitely going to be looking for them tonight. Mike came over right as they got out of school and they all shouted in surprise when they saw him leaning against the bike racks, and ran to greet him. Mike grinned at them as they all talked over each other, trying to explain what had happened yesterday at lunch. Mike howled with laughter and said he wished he was there to see it, which prompted the discussion on if his grandpa agreed to let him come to the school for next semester.

Mike shrugged noncommittally, “My grandpa is pretty stubborn, he said he’d think about it, but that could take ages.”

They decided to watch the shittiest movies they could get their hands on, which luckily Bill’s dad was a sucker for dumb movies and had a collection of them. The night was spent laughing and talking shit about the movies. Stan had a box of cards that Richie insisted they played at least once. One game turned into ten and Richie kept winning, much to Eddie’s frustration as he was the most competitive of the group. Eddie eventually figured out that Richie was cheating and hit him with a pillow. Richie only laughed as they pelted him with pillows, chuckling out a “Worth it, you should’ve seen your fucking faces.”

Since it was a Tuesday, and they did have school tomorrow, they went to bed at eleven, all sprawled out on Bill’s bedroom floor. Stan and Bill were laying closest to the door, laying on top of Bill’s comforter. Ben was tucked next to Mike, using spare blanket as beds, and they were perpendicular to Stan and Bill, on the floor near the foot of Bill’s bed. Eddie and Richie were sharing a large sleeping bag like they usually did, lying between Bill’s bed and desk. They fell asleep holding hands in the dark, surrounded by their friends and the people they loved most in the world, and they didn’t have a single nightmare all night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My boy Stan opening up to his friends and knowing he is loved and supported and not alone??? Richie actually in touch in his emotions and his unwavering faith in his friends???? sign me the fuck up. I know Mike hasnt been in the story much yet, because it mostly takes place at school right now but dont worry i got plans for him and also bev who will be back. My children are going to be surrounded by love and friendship goddammit.  
> Chapter name is from o.d.d by hey violet


	3. if you need a friend, don't look to a stranger, you know in the end, I'll always be there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie knew one thing in his life was true, and that was pretty much the only constant he had. And that was his friends were the only people in the world that he would do anything for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again! i'm posting this a bit later than i hoped for because imma be honest here, i was passed the fuck out trying to catch up on the sleep i lost during midterm week. Also this is completely off topic but i wanted to tell you guys that rooster teeth is having a 24 hr live stream to raise money for a children's hospital in texas, specifically their children's mental health center. As i dont have any spare money myself but i really want to help, i thought id spread the word. if any of you guys have spare money, please donate at https://www.extra-life.org thats not a direct hyperlink idk how to do that sorry. theyre accepting donations until december 31st at midnight, central standard time this year but their stream stops tomorrow morning (11/12/2017) if you guys wanted to check that out. It's on the rooster teeth youtube page and it's called Rooster's Teeth's Extra Life 2017. It's a great cause, it's for the kids and the stream is hilarious they do all sorts of crazy stuff there (they have literally tased a dude and shot paintball guns at people) if you can't donate like me that's cool too but it'd be extra cool if you could help spread the word. i feel like i should add that this is not sponsored because this note got really long asdfghjkl sorry (but if rt is hiring hmu) so yeah thats all. thanks for reading.

Eddie knew one thing in his life was true, and that was pretty much the only constant he had. And that was his friends were the only people in the world that he would do anything for. So, when Mike finally got to come to school the second semester, and Eddie found out Belch and whoever the fuck was giving him hell, Eddie was furious.

He and Bill were walking to lunch after coming from the bathroom, when they heard Belch’s loud blabbering and jeers. This was usually a normal occurrence, but Eddie stopped walking when he heard Belch say the n word. Because there were only a few black kids in this town, since everyone was a racist asshole, and Eddie would fucking bet the money he didn’t have if Belch wasn’t bullying Mike right now. He grabbed Bill, who hadn’t noticed Eddie had stopped yet and Bill raised his eyebrows at him.

“W-what is it?” Bill asked. Eddie shushed him, trying to determine where Belch’s voice was coming from. He dragged Bill to the corridor in the left, walking towards the library where he knew Mike liked to spend time in. Sure enough, standing just outside the library doors, Belch and fuckface were pushing Mike and laughing. Mike wasn’t doing anything back, even though Eddie knew Mike could probably take them, and Eddie saw red.

“Hey fuckheads!” he yelled, and three pairs of eyes whipped around to stare at him. Mike shook his head, glancing between Eddie and Belch. “Did your mom beat you for pissing the bed again? Is that why you’re taking out your anger on Mike? Because I sure as fuck know he didn’t do a goddamn thing to you idiots.”

Belch’s face slowly turned into a tomato and he shifted to face Eddie, letting go of Mike’s shirt which he was previously using to pin Mike to the wall. “What the fuck did you just say to me?”

“Christ, did I speak too fast for you again? Too many big words? Maybe if you got your head out of your ass, you could hear better.”

“Oh, my g-god,” Bill whispered next to him. “You’ve f-fucking lost it.”

Belch took three threatening steps forward before Mike snapped out of his surprise and shoved Belch over. Belch fell to the floor and Mike punched the other bully in the face once, before running over to Eddie and Bill.

“Run!” Mike yelled at them as he passed. Bill didn’t have to be told twice and he sprinted after him, dragging a still seething Eddie after him. They made it to the cafeteria, where Belch hadn’t stepped foot into since the food fight from last semester, and collapsed at the Loser’s regular table. Richie, who had been telling the others something, using dramatic arm movements, stared at them for a beat before grinning.

“Who did you piss off?” he asked. Stan had hardly glanced up from his food, which he was glaring at. Eddie wordlessly passed him his hand sanitizer and Stan huffed, taking it, and cleaning the table and his hands.

“Eddie has a death wish,” Mike said, only a little out of breath, unlike Eddie who took a puff from his inhaler.

“I do not!” Eddie interrupted. “I just think people are fucking stupid and they piss me off.”

“He p-pissed off B-belch,” Bill translated. He grinned wildly at Eddie. “It was awesome, b-but you’re s-seriously insane.”

Richie slung an arm over Eddie’s shoulder, beaming like he couldn’t be prouder in that moment. “My Eddie spaghetti? Picking fights with oversized assholes? Surely you must be mistaken, good sir, look at this young chap! He’s but a whip of a boy!”

“Fuck off with the British dude,” Eddie snapped, still angry and ready to start a fight.

Richie cackled, pulling Eddie closer into his side. “Eddie’s body is too small to fit all this rage inside, I fucking love it.”

Eddie blushed furiously and kicked Richie under the table. “Shut up,”

“Aw, don’t worry Eds, I still think you’re cute when you’re angry.” Richie pinched his cheek, and Eddie rolled his eyes, shoving off Richie’s arm.

“Belch was picking on Mike for being black,” Eddie explained. “I wasn’t going to ignore it.”

“Really, Eddie, I appreciate it but it’s fine. I hear this stuff all the time.” Mike said. Ben had given Mike his extra sandwich he usually packed for him, because Mike always forgot his lunch, and was unwrapping it.

“You shouldn’t have to!” Eddie fumed. “Who fucking cares what color you are? You’re a good person, what does it matter if you’re different?”

“Eddie’s right,” Stan shrugged when they glanced at him. “But people are assholes. Bowers used to pick on me for being Jewish.”

Mike looked away and Eddie narrowed his eyes. “Is that why you didn’t do anything? I know you could take on those two morons, but you weren’t even trying. Is it because of Bowers?”

Everyone at the table turned to look at Mike, and Mike squirmed under the attention before sighing. “I mean, a little bit I guess.”

“M-mike,” Bill said, frowning.

“I know you guys say it wasn’t my fault, but I killed their friend,” Mike looked down at the table. “Even if it was an accident, I can’t forget it.”

“There was nothing you could have done,” Ben said softly. Mike shrugs, still not looking up.

“Look, it’s fine guys, it really doesn’t bother me.” He glanced at them briefly, “I don’t want you guys getting into trouble because of me.”

“Dude, Belch already hates us,” Richie points out. “I doubt there’s anything we can do to make him hate us more.”

“Stay out of it,” Mike said, “Please, guys, it’s really more trouble than it’s worth.”

“Mike, no offence, but you’re being stupid.” Eddie crossed his arms. “We’re going to stand up for you because you’re our friend.”

Stan nods. “Really, I expect this stupidity from Rich, but I thought you had sense.”

“Hey!”

“Shut up, Richie,” Eddie automatically snapped. “We’re going to help you, there’s no discussion about it.”

“I love when he gets all bossy,” Richie whispers not at all quietly.

“I will murder you in your sleep.”

“G-guys,” Bill chastised. He put a hand on Mike’s shoulder and smiled at him. “Y-you’re one of us, Mike. We s-stick together.”

Mike looked at all them before smiling back, looking bashful. “Thanks guys.”

 

 

After the wrath of It, and standing up to his mother, Belch didn’t seem so scary anymore. The Losers always tried to fight back against Bowers when they were younger even though they rarely won, but now they stood a chance. They were older, for one, and they were smarter. It was also helpful that the two craziest assholes from the gang were dead, but Eddie digresses.

Eddie knew that a physical confrontation would do nothing, Belch would probably get off on it, and he would want to get back at them. No, what they needed was to get rid of him permanently.

“Holy shit, are you going to murder them?” Richie asked when they were discussing the plan on the usual movie night. They were all gathered in Bill’s room, Richie lounging on the desk chair, while the others all squeezed onto Bill’s bed. Eddie was pacing the room, and hardly paused when Richie asked.

“Don’t be fucking dumb, we’d be the first suspects.” Eddie said. “Especially after the shit in the cafeteria last semester. There’s other ways to get rid of people though, we just need more intel on him.”

“What about the other one?” Stan asked.

“The blonde guy? Who fucking cares about him, I don’t even know his name. He’ll fuck off when Belch is gone, and there’s no more of Bower’s old gang to back him up.” Eddie dismissed with a wave of his hand. “We need blackmail, we need something on Belch to hold over him, it’s the only way to get him out of the way.”

He stopped pacing and turned to face the group, who were all staring at him in varying degrees of surprise and confusion.

“I didn’t know Eddie was so violent,” Ben said after a beat.

“I knew Eddie was v-violent, b-but n-not a criminal m-mastermind.” Bill chimed in. “Eddie, you’re sort of terrifying right n-now.”

“I am so turned on right now,” Richie said, and Eddie flushed, glaring at him.

“Shut the fuck up, Trashmouth.” He glanced over at the others and crossed his arms over his chest. “So, who’s coming with me to go find dirt on Belch?”

The Losers glanced around before all raising a hand.

 

 

Everyone in Derry knew that off Old Lyme Street but before the Derry Town Dump, was the place to get drugs. The police never seemed to catch on and raid the place, so it was a safe bet you’d find most of the town’s drunks and druggies holed up there. Eddie suggested they’d try to start there to get information on Belch.

“A guy that fucking stupid must take drugs, there’s no way he got that brain damaged on his own.” Eddie explained. “But we can’t all go, it’ll look suspicious. And Mike definitely can’t be seen there, or they’ll try to pin this on him.”

“You can’t go either, Eds,” Richie pointed out. “You look like you’re fucking five years old.”

Eddie kicked Richie in the shin but otherwise ignored him. “Bill’s stutter would give him away, and no one would take Ben seriously, he looks too innocent. So that leaves us with…” Eddie swiveled in his seat to look at Stan. Stan looked up from the dinner table, where he was arranging his food into neat categories, and saw them all staring at him. His eyes widened.

“Me? You’re shitting me, I can’t go buy drugs!”

“Y-you don’t have to b-buy any,” Bill pacified. “J-just hang around looking like a hobo until Belch s-shows.”

“In _that_ place?” Stan looked horrified. “Do you know how disgusting it is there? I’d sooner die.”

“Stan,” Bill frowned at him, “Don’t say that.”

Stan looked away, frowning. “Sorry, but I’m still not doing it.”

“I can,” Richie interrupted. “I’ll swap in some contacts and wear my dad’s clothes or something.”

“By yourself?” Ben asked nervously, “I don’t know guy’s it seems dangerous.”

“If I can hit a demon clown from another world or whatever the fuck with a baseball bat, I think I can handle sitting around in some shithole for an afternoon.”

Eddie glared at him, but Mike spoke before Eddie could yell at him.

“What are we going to do after, if Belch even shows up? If we tell someone, they won’t believe a bunch of kids.”

“Not kids, but an anonymous caller who has information on the drug trade would catch their attention.” Eddie taps his restless fingers against the table, thinking out-loud. “We could say Belch has drugs in his house, but what’s more likely, him keeping the stuff one him, or in his house?”

“On him, probably,” Bill guessed.

“So, we say a kid at school was bragging about having drugs and a concerned adult calls to report it.”

“Belch could run b-before the cops get there,’’

“Maybe, we’d have to keep an eye on him,” Eddie looked around the table. “We can try during lunch?”

“This is going to go horribly wrong,” Stan sighed.

 

 

Stan was only halfway right.

Richie went to the drug spot on Saturday night and crawled through Eddie’s window looking excited at midnight.

“Blech totally was buying drugs,” he was practically jumping off the walls. “Some white powder shit, I don’t know. Cocaine? Crystal? Which one is the one you shove up your nose?”

“Oh, my god, Richie,” Eddie hissed, but he was grinning. “Shut up before my mom hears you.”

“We’re going to kick Belch’s ass all the way to prison!” Richie hugged Eddie, lifting him off his feet. Eddie yelped and kicked at Richie.

“Shut up!” Eddie said as Richie put him down. “But, yeah we totally are.”

On Monday, everyone was jumpy with nerves. Mike looked the most terrified out of all of them, but when Eddie quietly asked him if he wanted them to not do this, Mike shook his head. “No, I want him gone. I’m more worried for you guys than I am for me, and I’m pretty scared for me. My grandad’s told me things, stuff that happened during his childhood. People aren’t nice to people like us.”

When the lunch bell finally rang, the Losers assembled around their usual table. Eddie didn’t bother buying any lunch, he was too anxious to eat. “I saw Belch go towards the bleachers, probably to take drugs with that other guy. We need to hurry,”

Richie was voted to call the police, as he could do a passable adult voice. Richie and Stan went to the payphones at the front of the school and Bill and Eddie went to go keep an eye on Belch. Mike and Ben went to the library, making sure to greet the librarian in case they needed a solid alibi.

“Do you think t-this will w-work?” Bill asked as they walked to football field.

“It better fucking work. I don’t want to know what Belch would do if he found out it was a set up.” Eddie muttered angrily. He and Bill stationed themselves near the concession stand, out of sight from Belch, but still able to see him under the bleachers. They only had to wait a few minutes before they heard a police siren. Belch jumped up, instantly suspicious and Eddie and Bill ducked down to hide.

“Is he running?” Bill whispered.

“I don’t know, what if I go to check and he’s looking over here?” Eddie could feel his heart racing. Distantly he heard footsteps begin to stomp around.

Eddie took the risk and peered over the half-wall they were crouched behind. Belch was running across the football field and towards the stretch of trees on the far side that lead into the woods.

“Shit, shit, shit!” Eddie looked around frantically, trying to look for something to help them. He spotted a crate of sports equipment nearby, left out earlier for PE classes and pointed it to Bill.

“Do you think you can throw something at him?” Eddie asked Bill.

Bill’s eyes were wide as he stuttered out, “I-I d-don’t know, m-maybe?”

“Hurry!” Eddie motioned. He looked back at Belch and saw he was already hallway across the field. “He’s running!”

Bill scrambled to the crate and fumbled through it, grabbing a couple of baseballs, and racing back. He handed the spares to Eddie and got ready to throw one. His first throw was a little short, his second too far to the right. On the third throw, they watched it sail over the field and bonk Belch in the back. Bill and Eddie dived back into hiding as Belch tripped in his frantic turn to find who hit him.

The doors to the school burst open and two policemen ran out, holding tasers and shouting at Belch to put his hands up. Belch, who was picking himself up, decided to take his chances and booked it.

Eddie didn’t think he’d ever say this, because cops in this town were usually useless, but he was so glad the cops were there. They watched as the two cops chased down Belch and tackle him to the ground. One held him down while the other handcuffed him. They were too far away to hear anything, but it was pretty fucking clear Belch was under arrest when they searched through his pockets and held up a little bag of white powder.

“H-holy s-shit,” Bill whispered. “Belch got arrested.”

They looked at each other in shock, before breaking out into huge grins, barely containing their yells of victory. By then, people had pooled out of the school and were watching the scene with gasps and whispered words. Bill and Eddie slipped into the crowd and went to the lunch table, where the rest of the Losers were assembled.

“You’re not g-going to believe this,” Bill said as they sat down. “B-belch just got arrested out on the f-football f-field.”

The Losers all cheered and grinned, leaning closer to ask for details. Eddie looked at Mike, who was looking a little teary eyed, but he had the biggest grin Eddie had ever seen on him, and he was beaming. Eddie decided, sitting there with his closest friends, that there wasn’t a goddamn thing on this earth that Eddie wouldn’t do for his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen... i know it's probably not likely a bunch of 14 year olds can devise and carry out a plan to stage someone's arrest but imma write it anyways. i wanted my boy mike to be loved and supported and as a POC let me tell you it gets real old having to hear racist shit and my boy doesnt need that in his life. The movie sort of erased part of Mike's character a bit so this is me showing my love to Mike by having his friends kick people's ass for him. And Eddie totally is a little ball of rage i love my son. He doesnt see himself as brave but he is one of the bravest out of the group, okay i will fight on this. Next chapter more of the plot should start kicking in so i hope you guys enjoy.
> 
> Chapter Title from The Promise by When in Rome


	4. you've been so long, well it's been so long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer: June-August.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxpTx0VDBKw ;) (idk how to hyperlink just copy and paste asdfghjkl sorry)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooooo this chapter is sort of long and i debated between splitting it but there was no good place to cut it and anyways mama didnt raise no quitter so enjoy like 7500 words.
> 
> content warning for panic attacks, PTSD, and graphic gore

Summer came with a sense of trepidation and the unspoken but unanimous fear that this summer could turn out just as shitty as the last one. The Losers were quieter than normal, even Richie who always had a joke ready seemed more somber. Eddie didn’t like seeing Richie so wary, it made him feel as if something terrible was going to happen, as if the world was only going to be okay if Richie kept smiling but he wasn’t, and Eddie was worried, okay, he was just really worried.

The last day of school, the Losers did their usual tradition of dumping a year’s worth of schoolwork in the trash, but it didn’t feel as relieving as it used to. They unanimously agreed to skip going to the barrens and go somewhere different. Mike offered his house, stating how his granddad would probably let them roam around as long as they didn’t mess with the animals too much. The bike ride, and the increasing distance between central Derry and the Losers, kicked up their spirits and by the end the day, they were laughing and joking around like usual.

The Hanlon Farm was ginormous, there was a large field where animals roamed free, and a small crop field that was closer to the main house. The house was a typical large and white farm house, with a grand porch and old, creaky steps. If you followed the trail off the left of the house, it led to a well and water pump. To the right of the house was a barn.

“Do you have horses?” Bill asked excitedly.

“Yeah, only a few.” Mike was giving them a tour after they had met Mike’s granddad, an older man with a serious face, and dark, sharp eyes that Eddie felt like could see into his very soul. Mike’s grandma was at the grocery store and should be back by dinner. “There’s Daisy, she’s the oldest, about twelve now, then Peaches, she’s seven, and Marigold, she’s only three.”

The horses were the most terrifying things Eddie had seen in a while. They were huge! And not only were they tall, but they were all muscle, Mike said once old Daisy kicked a man so hard in the leg, he got a fracture. Eddie did not want to touch them with a ten-foot pole. So, of course, Richie insisted they pet them. Mike said he could do them one better, and said they could give the horses snacks. Ben looked in awe of the giant things, Bill looked like a little kid, almost jumping in place with excitement, and Stan was more worried about the state of the barn and when it was last cleaned.

Mike showed them how to feed them, with their hands flat and palms up, apple slices lying still on their hands. Ben went first, giving a treat to Daisy, a gray mare, and she neighed at him, sniffing his hand before chomping away at her apple. Bill jumped to go next and fed Peaches, a mare with a tan, slightly orange coat. Stan refused to get horse slobber on him and Eddie was inclined to agree but Richie dragged him over to Marigold, a white and brown mare, smaller than the others. Richie fed her, babbling excitedly the whole time, and insisted Eddie try it. Eddie held out his hand, apple slices lying in his palm and squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t dare open his eyes until he felt the horse sniff at him before accepting the apple. When he blinked his eyes open, Marigold was staring at him, munching on her treat.

“Can we pet them?” Richie asked.

“Yeah, they like firm pats on the side of the neck like this,” Mike demonstrated, “Don’t move too suddenly or they’ll startle.”

“Oh, great,” Eddie said faintly. Stan agreed to pet exactly one horse and no more, but one glance from a neighing Peaches broke him easily enough. Eddie hesitantly reached out to pat Marigold, who was soft and warm, and he was thinking it wasn’t too bad, when something barreled into the barn, crashing into Mike’s legs, and scaring ten years off Eddie’s life.

“Hudson!” Mike chided, but he reached down to pet the overexcited dog jumping at his legs anyway. “Calm down, buddy.”

“You have dogs?” Richie gasped. He dropped to his knees and held his arms open and Hudson, a small brown mutt of some kind, bounded over, excited to meet someone new. “Why do we never come over here? We should come every week.”

Mike smiled at them as they crowded around the dog, arguing over who got to pet him. Eddie sort of liked dogs, in the abstract way he imagined he liked tigers, they were cool, but he didn’t want to be up close and personal with them. The others nagged at him until he caved, even Stan who was laughing as Hudson licked his chin.

“Hudson is the youngest, we have two dogs and three cats. The cats stick to the house, mostly, but the dogs gather the sheep and hunt rats that try to eat the crops. The other dog is probably inside already, her names Shirley, she’s Hudson’s sister.” Mike explained as Eddie kneeled down and warily held out a hand for the dog to sniff. Hudson gave it a cursory sniff before launching into Eddie’s chest and sending him crashing into the ground.

“Oh, my god!” Eddie yelled. Hudson was licking at his face now and it was a funny sensation, almost ticklish and Eddie found himself reluctantly giggling, “Okay, okay, enough, I like you too buddy, oh my gosh you are so heavy.”

Richie was grinning down at him, looking unbearably fond, “Watch it Hudson, I know he’s cute, but I haven’t even got to kiss him yet.”

“Shut up,” Eddie scrunched up his nose and tried to wiggle out from under Hudson, still giggling. Eddie decided that maybe he did like dogs after all, but not all of them. Just Hudson. And Shirley, when they went inside and met her. She was a lot calmer than her brother and when they sat in the family room, she jumped up into Eddie’s lap and laid down, head on his knee and her tail thumping on his arm softly.

“How come you don’t hold me like that?” Richie pouted at him as Eddie scratched Shirley behind her ear.

“Beep beep, Richie,” Eddie rolled his eyes.

“How come Eddie is the dogs favorite already?” Stan asked, sitting on an ancient, but extremely comfortable looking armchair.

“It’s because he’s just as cute as them, and they know it,” Richie plopped down next to Eddie to pet Shirley as well. “And cute things stick together. Cute, cute, cute,” Richie said as he pinched Eddie’s cheek. Eddie scowled and slapped his hands away, but Richie only grinned wider. The others started bickering over what movie to watch, as Richie swooped in and kissed Eddie’s temple before Eddie could slap him away. They ended up sleeping over at Mike’s house, all piled in his family room floor cushioned by blankets. Eddie fell asleep with Shirly curled up in front of him, and Richie curled up behind him, feeling more optimistic about the summer than he had felt all week.

 

 

Most of the first week on summer break was spent biking around, swimming in the quarry, and movie nights at Bill’s house. It was on the second Tuesday of the summer break, when they were sprawled out on the shore of the quarry, drying in the warm summer sun, that a shadow fell over them and they all looked up into the smiling face of Beverly Marsh.

“Hey, boys,” she said. Her hair was a bit longer, but only fell to her chin, and she was just as pale and skinny as Eddie remembered. She wore a yellow shirt and light blue overalls and she was beaming at them, looking happier than Eddie had ever seen her.

“Bev!” They all yelled, scrambling up to their feet, each of them trying to be the first to hug her. She laughed loudly as they crashed into her, and she ended up squished in a Loser’s group hug. Eddie was pressed into her side and she had her arms over his shoulders and over Ben’s shoulders on her other side.

“Did you miss me?” she giggled.

They all tried to speak at once, Eddie saying “Holy shit, how did you get here?” while Ben asked how long she was staying and Richie was demanding to know how long she had been in town and Bill was asking if she was in town with her aunt and Mike asked how she had been and Stan was asking if Portland was as cool as it looked.

She laughed again, grinning at them. “I missed you guys too.”

 

 

They spent the rest of the day catching up, all of them gathered close to Bev as if she would disappear if she wasn’t within five feet of them. Bev explained how she begged her aunt, whose name was Claire and was awesome, to move back to Derry as soon as they arrived in Portland.

“I hated it there,” she said with her nose wrinkled. “No one was any fun and the school was too big, I hardly knew where anything was.”

She said how she had a hard time adjusting without them with her. She had nightmares and woke her aunt up constantly with her screaming. Claire began to make arrangements for them to move back to Derry, but they couldn’t afford to until the end of the school year. So, Bev had slugged through the school year reluctantly, refusing to make any friends and go anywhere but school and back. They only got there this morning, and her aunt had her help move the boxes into their new apartments before she biked over to find them.

“I knew you guys would be here,” she said fondly.

“So, you’re going to stay here f-for g-good?” Bill asked hopefully.

She beamed at him and nodded, “Yeah, I told you guys I’d be back.”

They end up having a movie night at Bill’s house, all crowded on Bill’s bed with Bev in the middle. Eddie felt so light, as if some weight that he hadn’t even known was there had lifted and now he was floating away. When it grew darker, and everyone was tired and quiet, Bev spoke up.

“Do you still have nightmares?” she asked quietly.

There was a moment of silence, not as comfortable and relaxed as before but tense. Richie, predictably, spoke first. “Sometimes, I guess.”

“I don’t think there’s a week that goes by where I don’t have one,” Eddie admitted quietly. He felt Richie grab onto his hand and squeeze it and Eddie wiggled himself more firmly into Richie’s side, trying to burrow into his warmth.

“Y-yeah,” Bill whispered. “I can’t look in Georgie’s room. It’s still the same, even after all this time.”

Eddie’s heart lurched in his chest at the sound of Georgie’s name. God, he tried so hard not to think about Georgie, about how he didn’t deserve a fate so gruesome and horrible. He tried so hard not to think of his gray, water bloated face, of his whitened-out eyes and the gaping hole where his arm should’ve been and the torn open flesh of his leg, the dangling bits of skin, the maggots crawling in his exposed muscle, digging into his dead body, and eating away, eating him, oh god, _Georgie_.

“Eds,” Richie said softly. He wrapped his arms around Eddie and was holding onto him tightly. “You okay? Do you need your inhaler?”

Eddie blinked back into the present and realized that his friends were looking at him through the darkness of the room, listening to his wheezing breaths. He tried to calm his breathing, focusing on Richie’s chest rising and falling next to him, his warmth, and his arms around him.

“I’m okay,” he said in a small voice. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Sorry,” Bev apologized. Eddie felt her reach over and squeeze his shoulder. “I just- there’s no one to talk to. I can’t tell my aunt, because she doesn’t know the full story, and if she did I doubt she’d believe me. And I was - I was just so alone in Portland. I was so alone.”

“You can talk about it,” Eddie muttered, resting his head against Richie’s chest. “I just can’t.”

Richie placed a kiss on the top of Eddie’s head and Eddie closed his eyes. His eyes were stinging, like they did before crying, but Eddie didn’t know why. He didn’t feel like crying. He just wanted to forget. But, when he really thought about it, he knew he couldn’t, even if he had the chance to. He had to remember, all the horrible details, for Georgie, for all those missing kids, so somebody knew what happened to them. So, someone could stop it if it ever happened again. Eddie knew this, he swore a blood oath to this, but he didn’t want to think about it. If he thought about it too much, it’d break him.

“I still think I see It,” Stan said, “Sometimes, when I walk in my dad’s office and see that stupid painting, I think it’s all a lie and it’s going to jump out of the frame and eat me.”

“I can’t stand the smell of burning meat,” Mike added. “I’ll freeze or throw up, or just run. My grandparents figure it has something to do with the fire, which I guess it does, but it’s not just that anymore.”

Eddie pressed his face against Richie’s chest and sighed. He wished they didn’t have to deal with this. They were just kids, he wanted to scream at someone, we’re just kids we don’t deserve this. But he guesses they are burdened with it because they were kids, because the adults chose to do nothing when kids were dying right under their noses. Adults were horrible, he thought, not for the first time. They acted as if they were never kids, as if all kids were dumb and didn’t know anything. They claimed to do everything they could to keep their kids safe, but Eddie didn’t buy it, not for a minute. He thought of his own mother, lying to him since birth, making him believe he was some weak, sick thing and that he could never survive on his own, not because of him, for his safety, but because she was sick herself, sick in the head and scared to be left alone. No, Eddie thought, nothing she did was ever for him, she never asked what would make him happy. She did this to him because she was selfish and cruel, she didn’t love him, not really. Maybe she did once, maybe she still thought she did, but Eddie knew the truth. She hadn’t loved him, she wanted to control him.

“Have you guys been back?” Bev asked after a moment. “To the sewers?”

“God, no” Ben said. “They got all the bodies out, that’s the last I heard anything about the sewers and I’m planning to keep it that way.”

“I think my granddad was right,” Mike mused. “This town is cursed. Maybe not as much now, now that It’s gone, but it’ll be a while before It’s influence has left. The whole world can’t be like this.”

“How would we know?” Eddie asked, his voice weary. “How do we know that’s the last of Its kind? We don’t.”

“I g-guess we have to b-believe that other kids s-see what we saw, and be b-brave enough to s-stop it,” Bill offered, but he didn’t sound all that hopeful. They didn’t fall asleep after that, just held onto one another until the sun rose up and spilled into Bill’s room, illuminating their tired and weary faces.

 

 

The following weeks were spent at the quarry, the barrens, building a dam in the river, and at the Aladdin, watching movies for half price on Tuesdays and before noon every day. Bev finished moving into her apartment with her aunt Claire, who the Losers met and agreed with Bev that she was awesome. She was a freelance costume designer for rich, bored people and for movies. She flew to a few movies sets a year to work with the costume design team, but preferred to work at home. Her behind the scenes knowledge about the movie industry instantly won Richie over, who listened with wide, awe filled eyes. Bev told them excitedly that her aunt was teaching her to sew and make clothing designs and made the boys promise to model the clothes she’d make in the future. Eddie thought it was nice to see Bev so happy for a change. She hardly ever used her fake smile around them anymore, and she laughed easily.

Richie and Bev became fast friends, both having a wicked sense of humor and restless hands that needed something to distract them. Bev smoked regularly, but never around Eddie, as it triggered his asthma too easily, and Richie sometimes came through his window at night with clothes reeking of smoke. He figured Richie was smoking but he never saw because Richie was hyperaware of anything that could set off his asthma.

Eddie, on the other hand, was getting fed up with asthma. It was acting up as it came closer to the anniversary of the day they first went to Neibolt House. He knew it was mostly in his head and he hated that it got in the way of everything. He went to the library and researched asthma, anxiety and how to get them the fuck out of his life. He learned that a slow increase in exercise could help lesson the effects of asthma, but it was important to stretch before and after and warm up and cool down, which was apparently different than stretching. Eddie was never a big fan of physical exercise, but it was that or dealing with asthma attacks every two seconds, so there wasn’t much of a choice.

Eddie read that swimming was a good exercise to start off with, so he woke up early, something he detested, and went to the quarry to swim for about an hour and a half. He usually left Richie sleeping in his bed when he left and when he came back, after a shower, Richie was still fast asleep. Eddie either wiggled back in Richie’s embrace, when Richie grumbled sleepily, but tugged Eddie closer and sighed contently when Eddie settled back in his arms, or sat around reading comics or books until Richie woke up.

Swimming was nice, but Eddie wanted his asthma gone, immediately, even if that wasn’t realistic. Eddie was never a patient person and he got irritated when three weeks later he still had small asthma attacks at least once a week. He started to jog in the mornings before his swim instead of biking over to the quarry. Running was fucking awful, he decided and he had to use his inhaler constantly at first, but after a week Eddie noticed that he could run pretty fast. It was probably due to him running for his life from Bowers and his gang and later a psychotic clown, but Eddie pointedly did not think of that.

Anxiety set off his asthma attacks, but Eddie later read in a mental health book in the library that those were actually anxiety attacks and developed into asthma attacks when his lungs were like shit, where the fuck is the air. Eddie didn’t know much about mental health and only read the book until he got into a section discussing PTSD before deciding that he was maybe better off not knowing some things.

It was almost August now, and Eddie was better with his asthma now, and only used his inhaler when he woke up from nightmares and couldn’t breathe. Richie noticed, Eddie knew, because Richie noticed almost everything, but wisely didn’t mention it. The others changed through the summer as well. They were all fourteen now, except Eddie who turned thirteen in September, something he was _not_ bitter about, shut up Richie, it wasn’t a big fucking age difference and he wasn’t a baby. Richie had a growth spurt and seemed to get taller every morning, Bill and Stan also grew a bit, but not as dramatically.

Mike hadn’t changed all that much, but he had started volunteering at the library after Ben got him hooked on reading. Mike was fascinated by history, and enjoyed reading in his down time. Ben started to lose some baby fat and Bev shot up a bit in height, and started to wear her hair in braids since it was long enough for it now.

Bill wanted to try for the baseball team and enlisted the Loser’s help in practicing. He was a fast sprinter, but he was better behind a bat. He begged one of the Losers to join him in trying out and Stan reluctantly agreed. Bev helped them practice the most, since she played baseball when she was younger, but Eddie and Richie were there most days when they practiced, Richie offering very loud, but enthusiastic encouragement and Eddie content to lay down in the sun next to him and doze.

The anniversary of the first day they went to Neibolt passed, and they spent it on Mike’s farm, far away from central Derry, playing with Mike’s dogs and carefully climbing up Mike’s horses for short rides. Eddie refused to ride one until Mike said he would have the horse, Marigold who was the calmest of the bunch, on a lead the whole time.

Richie had whistled from outside the small horse corral and winked at Eddie, “I always knew you’d look good riding, Eds. I bet you’d look better riding my- “

“Beep beep, Richie!” Eddie yelped, face flushing pink. “I’m going to kick your ass when I get off this thing!”

“Kinky!”

“ _Richie_!”

 

 

Mike loved the library. He would stay inside it all day if he had the chance, reading each and every book at least once. He always loved stories, and could remember evenings spent in front of the fire, listening to his parents tell him stories. His mom was an avid book reader and encouraged Mike to read anything he wanted. Mike’s dad used to boast that he had the smartest son in the whole goddamn town if the amount of books Mike went through in a month was any indication. Before the fire, his granddad often came over and told him stories. His dad said those stories weren’t true, that they were tall tales people told to explain why the world was the way it was when they had no real answers to grasp at. Mike thought those were the best stories of all. They were like history books, but better because there was an air of mystery to them, and were told from their ancestors who learned it by their past ancestors and so on. The culture of just one story was amazing, Mike thought.

He could hardly believe it when Ben casually mentioned the library offered volunteer positions. He asked the librarian the next day who gave him a form to fill out and said they’d call him within the week. He hung around the phone for the next two days, anxious to hear from them and when they called, he almost jumped with joy. His volunteer position didn’t give him access to everything, like the records on the computer, but he was beyond happy with what he got to do. He put books away, organized them by author, and checked the books regularly for any damage. He loved when people asked him where a book was, or if he had any recommendations, and he loved looking after the kid’s reading corner. There, the kids were excited to learn, and he liked reading to them during story hour in the afternoons. The kids were curious and sweet, and he liked watching them learn and grow, change into a tiny person with thoughts and opinions. He always wanted to be a teacher, but now with him working on the farm, he didn’t know if he’d be able to.

Mike also became close friends with Ben, who was always at the library as well. They chatted about books and about their friends. Mike liked Ben, he thought he was kind, a little bit shy, and had the biggest heart a person could have. Ben was protective of his friends and seemed to melt whenever Bev looked at him. Mike thought it was cute, but when he told Ben that, he got flustered and insisted he didn’t know what he was talking about.

It was one of these days when Mike was on his break and sat down to talk with Ben at their usual table, that Mike noticed something was off with his friend. Ben was a quiet kid by nature, but today he only mumbled and nodded in response to Mike’s chatter. He was frowning down into a book, looking forlorn and finally Mike couldn’t take his friend looking so low anymore.

“Are you okay, Ben?” Mike asked. “You look a little down.”

“Huh?” Ben looked up and blinked. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine, sorry. I was just… thinking, I guess.”

“Care to share?”

Ben frowned, glancing away, “It’s not a big deal, I’m just being dumb”

“If it bothers you this much then it’s not dumb,” Mike reasoned. “You don’t have to tell me, but I’d like to help if I’m able.”

He looked at Mike contemplatively for a long moment before sighing, “It’s just, I wished Bev had come back later.” His eyes widened, and he quickly clarified, “That sounded bad, I don’t mean it like that, I’m glad she’s back and I’d never want to her to be alone in Portland- “

“I know what you mean, it’s okay,”

“Yeah, okay,” he heaved another sigh. “Sorry, I’m not good at speaking. I just meant that I wanted Bev to come back later, when everything would be different.”

“What do you mean?”

Ben looked down at the table, the tops of his ears going red. “Do you promise not to laugh?”

“Ben, I’d never laugh at you,” Mike assured him. “Except if you fall and it’s really funny, but only then.”

Ben cracked a small smile before wringing his hands together. “I wanted to be different – better, when she got back, I mean. I don’t know, I guess I thought if she’d be gone a while I would’ve had more time.”

“More time for what?” Mike frowned. He didn’t like hearing his friend sound so sad. Ben mumbled something, and Mike leaned closer, “Sorry, what did you say?”

“Lose weight,” Ben muttered, his face about as red as a tomato.

“Ben,” Mike hated that Ben thought there was something wrong with himself. Mike thought all his friends were beautiful. They were all very different, but that’s what made them beautiful. “You don’t need to lose weight for someone else, if you want to lose weight because you want to, then okay but don’t change yourself for anybody.”

“I do want it for myself but I …” Ben fiddled with his fingers on top of his book nervously, “But I want it even more now because she deserves someone good, you know?”

“Good? Ben, I don’t know what you see when you look in the mirror but when I look at you, I see one of the bravest, and smartest person I know. You’re sensitive and you have a big heart, which I know everyone makes it sound like a bad thing, but it’s not. My momma said my dad and me were, and she said it was a good thing, that it gave us empathy and strong morals. I promise you Ben, anyone would be lucky to have you, and if anyone thinks less of you because of something as insignificant as your weight, then they’re a dumbass and I’ll fight them.”

Ben smiled, this time it reached his eyes and made him blush, not in embarrassment but of bashfulness. “Thanks, Mike.” He looked back at his book, a frown tugging his smile away again, “I want to be better though. I know I eat when I’m stressed and then I get stressed that I’m eating and it’s not healthy.”

“If you want to do this for you, then I’m with you.”

Ben glanced up hopefully. “Really?”

“Of course,” Mike clasped Ben’s shoulder and smiled. “Tell me how to help.”

 

 

Richie knew that his parents loved him, like how he unquestionably knew the sky was blue, but it was hard to remember sometimes. They obviously cared for him, they gave him clothes, food, a home, bought him a new bike for Christmas when they celebrated with his dad's mom and a guitar for his birthday, but he couldn’t remember the last time he talked to his father other than a quick greeting. His mother was home often, she loved to cook, and she like to chat with Stan’s mom on the phone about upcoming events at the synagogue. She was a devout Jewish woman, even if her husband was Christian and Richie wasn't really anything. She went out Saturday afternoons with her friends for a late lunch and some wine. She talked to him, asked about school and his friends, but she always looked at him oddly, like she didn’t know where he came from exactly, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted him there. Richie usually tried to avoid her.

After a long day spent in the quarry, feeling sunburnt and itchy, Richie walked into his house, immediately tripping over the shoes piled in front of the entryway.

“Shit!” he muttered, kicking away the shoes with a scowl. He really needed to move them, but maybe later, after he ate.

“Richie?” his mom called out. “Is that you, honey?”

Richie grimaced but replied, “Yeah, it’s me.”

“Come into the kitchen, dinner is almost ready.” Richie didn’t really want to, but food. He’d do anything for food, so he trudged over and sat down on a chair in front of the table. His mom was mixing a salad, humming quietly along with the radio. “How was the quarry?”

“The same as always, I guess.” Richie rested his chin in his palm, elbow propped up on the table.

“That’s good,” she said absentmindedly, “And Eddie? I saw him at the grocery store the other day, he’s changed up quite a bit, hasn’t he?”

Richie felt his face heat up and wow, suddenly the table was the most fascinating thing he had ever seen, and he needed to stare at it forever. His mother loved Eddie, she thought he was a good influence on him, which was a fucking riot but Richie sure as hell wasn’t going to tell her that. She was right about Eddie looking different though. Sometime during the summer, Richie had realized Eddie looked different. He was always adorable, and you’d think with the amount of time Richie spent looking at Eddie he’d noticed sooner that Eddie wasn’t _just_ cute anymore. Eddie had taken up swimming, which would explain why he had less asthma attacks, and it was awful. Swimming made Eddie tanner, making his freckles stand out more, and gave him a healthy glow. Eddie had never been scrawny like Richie was, but now he was not quite muscular, but toned. Richie couldn’t even put it into words what had changed, but Eddie was beautiful. Eddie had already owned Richie’s heart from the moment they met at seven years old and Eddie talked back to him, all snark and barely restrained anger, but, God, if Richie had ever doubted that fact, he fucking knew it now.

“Yeah,” Richie said uncertainly. “I guess so.”

Richie’s mom frowned at him, setting a plate in front of him before fixing herself a plate and sitting across from him. “I know you know more words than, ‘I guess so’, if all the calls I get from the school are any indication.”

He sighed, picking at his dinner. It was mashed potatoes with chicken and gravy spilled all on top. Stan would hate it, Richie thought absently.

“Richie, you know you can talk to me, don’t you?” His mom persisted in trying to draw him into a conversation, like she did every couple of months. Richie hated it. She never cared for anything he said anyways, so why did he have to play along? It was stupid. “I just don’t understand you, Richard.”

Oh no, he thought, time to go.

She spoke again before he could make an excuse to bolt. “I don’t know why you never talk to me, maybe you’d talk to your father, but I’m trying here, Richie. Sometimes, I just… I almost wish you were born a girl, it’d be much easier to talk to you.”

Richie dropped his fork and it clattered onto his plate loudly. His mom startled and began to scold him, but Richie had stopped listening.

“I forgot something at the quarry,” he blurted out, jumping up from his seat and booking it to the front door before she could call him back. He hopped on his bike and took off towards Bev’s house, fuming. By the time he biked to the apartment complex, his anger was mostly gone and in its place, was bitter acceptance. He knew his mom didn’t like him, but that didn’t mean he wanted to fucking hear her say it.

He climbed up the stairs to Bev’s apartment door and knocked. The door opened, and Bev looked at him quizzically.

“What’s up, Richie?” she raised an eyebrow at him and he made a face. Bev understood immediately, because she was awesome like that and held the door open for him to walk through. “Your mom?” she asked.

Richie nodded and sprawled on Bev’s patchwork couch with a huff. He usually came by when his mom got to be too much, because Bev never pushed. She understood that sometimes parents just sucked and let him vent at her. She lifted up his legs and sat on the couch before placing them on her lap. She offered him a cigarette which he accepted, and she lit them for them both.

He took a long drag, exhaling loudly, “Why is she like this?”

Bev shrugged, taking a small puff. “She’s just like any other parent, I suppose. Oblivious or batshit.”

Richie frowned. He knew about Bev’s dad, they all did. It was pretty fucking obvious when It transformed into him and Bev put a spike through It’s fucking head. He didn’t know the details, and if he was being honest, he didn’t want to know them either. They never mentioned it.

“She said she wished I was born a girl, so I’d be different, easier to handle.”

Bev patted his leg, “No offence, but your mom sounds like a fucking idiot.”

Richie grinned at her, “None taken.”

“So, how’s Eddie?” she changed the subject, because she knew it’d instantly brighten his mood, which it did now.

He groaned, “Bev, he’s so fucking cute I’m going to die.”

“I think you’ll survive,” she said wryly.

“No, I won’t. Killed by Eddie Kaspbrak, the cutest boy alive.”

“Quit being a drama queen,”

“The short shorts, Bev! He’s doing it on purpose, except he’s not, but it feels like he is. They taunt me.”

Bev rolled her eyes, but she was smiling in amusement. Richie didn’t know what Eddie was to him. Eddie was his best friend, of course, but Richie knew you weren’t supposed to feel this way about your best friend. He knew other people thought he was sick for thinking like he did, but Richie didn’t feel sick. Eddie was the best thing in his life, that was one thing he knew for sure. He felt a little bad, maybe, that he was looking at his best friend in a less than platonic way and Eddie didn’t know.

“You ever going to tell him?” she asked

“I don’t know,” Richie frowned. “I don’t think he’d want me around anymore.”

“That’s bullshit, he loves you, idiot. You’re his best friend.”

“Yeah, but it’d be different. He’d know, and he wouldn’t want to hug me, or share a bed, or let me touch him anymore. And I don’t want to change anything.”

“I guess,” Bev said doubtfully, tapping the end of her cigarette on an ash tray. “I really don't think Eddie would do that, but you won't know unless you try.”

“No, I already feel bad enough.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I feel like I’m taking advantage of him. I feel guilty for looking at him like that without him knowing, like I’m using him.”

“That’s dumb, Richie.”

“I know,” Richie sighed. “But knowing that doesn’t help me not think about it.”

Bev blew out a large cloud of smoke, leaning her head back on the back of the couch. “I’m not going to tell you what you should do, Richie, that’s something you got to do yourself, but I know Eddie would never hate you, and he’d never leave you. He’s been with you this long, and you’re not subtle at all.”

“How could I be? Have you see him, he’s adorable and oh my god every time we go to Mike’s and the dogs play with him, I want to die. It’s so fucking cute, Bev, holy shit.”

Later, after he left Bev’s and dropped off his bike at his house, he was climbing up the familiar tree to Eddie’s window, which was cracked open. He peered through the window and saw Eddie already curled up in bed, drowning in the thick, fluffy blankets that Eddie loved, with only his mop of hair visible. He quietly crawled through and locked the window after him, trying to be as quiet as possible as he kicked off his shoes and jeans. He had a stash of pajamas in Eddie’s drawers now, along with some hoodies and jeans and he changed quickly before sliding into bed.

Eddie made a small noise as Richie pulled the blankets around him, turning towards Richie, and reaching out sleepily. Richie wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, where Eddie could curl up on his side, head resting on his chest.

“What’s the time?” Eddie mumbled. Richie brushed back his curls and held him closer.

“One,” Richie pressed a soft kiss to Eddie’s forehead, warmth bursting in his chest. Being here with Eddie felt right, it felt like home. No, Richie wouldn’t risk this, not for the whole world. “Go back to sleep.”

Eddie hummed, and Richie watched his peaceful expression until sleep came for him.

 

 

Bill didn’t sleep the night before, but he felt hyperaware of everything. It was one year ago today now that they killed It and he found Georgie. Or what was left of him. He didn’t want to think of it, but he knew that being in a sewer for months wouldn’t have been kind to his brother’s body. He remembers being at the hospital waiting with Stan’s parents when he heard his mom sobbing in the hallway, “ _My baby, oh god, my baby what happened to him_ ” The police had brought the newest bodies to the morgue already, and his parents had to go identify the body. Bill remembered thinking it was odd they took the body so soon, but later realized he had been at the hospital for almost sixteen hours by that point.

He had wanted to be alone today, even though he knew he shouldn’t have. His friends needed him, and he really needed his friends, but he just needed to sit still for a moment, alone. He didn’t know how long he sat there in the quarry when a hand clamped down on his shoulder. He almost jumped a foot in the air and he turned around frantically.

“Bill!” Mike was in front of him, looking worried. “Bill, come on, we need you here.”

“What?” he asked. “Where did you come f-from?”

“We can’t find Stan,” Mike said quickly. Bill froze, looking up at Mike with a sense of dread. “We’ve checked everywhere, even went to Neibolt house, the sewer exit we crawled out of, the library, the school, the Aladdin, Bill he’s not anywhere!”

“How long?” Bill got up, his legs stiff from sitting in place for so long.

“We were supposed to meet at Richie’s at eleven, it’s almost three now.”

“I’ll f-find him, go b-back to the others,”

“Bill, I don’t think- “

“I g-got this,” Bill insisted. “He’ll s-spook if there’s t-too many of us crowding him. Go back with the others.”

Mike hesitated, but nodded and jogged back to his bike and rode off, back into town. Bill frowned down at the ground, trying to think of places they hadn’t checked yet. He started running to his first guess, trying not to trip over anything as he scrambled down the hill and then splashed through the river towards the sewer entrance.

He found Stan standing in front of the first sewer entrance they went to last summer, where they found Betty Ripsom’s shoe and met Ben for the first time. He was panting by the time he approached Stan, but all he felt was relief. He should’ve known that Stan would take today the hardest. Last year, he didn’t speak for a week after everything happened.

“Stan,” Bill called as he got near. Stan didn’t move. “Stan, are you okay?”

“It doesn’t feel like a year, sometimes.” Stan said after a moment. “Some days it feels like a life time has passed, but today it feels like it just happened.”

“Stan, we shouldn’t be here, the others are worried.”

Stan didn’t look away from the sewers. His hands were trembling. Bill slowly reached out and grabbed one. When Stan didn’t react, he laced their fingers together and squeezed his hand.

“I don’t think I can do it,” Stan whispered.

“Do what?” Bill’s chest felt tight, like he couldn’t breathe.

“Go back,” Stan said. “If It comes back, I don’t think I can do it.”

“You’re not going to do it alone, Stan.” Bill said firmly. “You’re never going to have to do it alone, I promise.”

Stan was quiet, still staring into the dark sewer. “I don’t remember how it got me.” He said suddenly. “All I remember were these lights, I had my eyes closed, but I could feel them, trying to get me to look at them. I think if I did, if I hadn’t closed my eyes at all, I’d be dead right now.”

“Stan,” Bill whispered. He didn’t want to hear this.

“I don’t know what that light was,” Stan continued. “But it felt like dying, like I was on the edge of a black hole and waiting for it to swallow me. I didn’t see any vision of the future, or whatever Bev saw. All I felt was death. Maybe that’s my future.”

“No, it isn’t, Stan,” Bill forced himself in front of Stan, meeting his blank stare with his own determined one. “You’re not going to die unless you’re dying of old age. It’s not going to kill you. We’re not going to let It win by being afraid for the rest of our lives. You told me that, remember? You’re stronger than you think, and you’re my best friend and I’m not letting some asshole clown take you away, okay?”

Stan blinked and seemed to focus on him. “You didn’t stutter.”

Bill frowned, “What?”

“You didn’t stutter,” he repeated. Stan looked down at their hands for a long moment before he nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I won’t let It win,” Stan clarified, looking up into Bill’s eyes. “But I can’t do it alone, I can’t.”

“You’re not,” Bill pulled Stan into a fierce hug. “You’re never alone. I’m with you, always.”

 

 

Mike was volunteering at the library, restocking shelves again. It was quiet today, a Wednesday morning, and he wasn’t expecting anyone to come by until at least one, which is why he was surprised when he heard someone speaking.

“Cruel,” someone whispered. Mike jumped, looking around. He placed the book he was holding down, straining to hear something else and poised to run. It was quiet until he heard the same slow voice, an old and weary voice. “Gone, we’re all gone.”

Mike walked to the end of the aisle, looking over to where the voice was coming from, but there was no one there. He waited, trying to figure out if he was losing it, when something thumped onto the ground behind him. He spun around and saw a stuffed animal, from the kid section, on the floor. He hadn’t seen it on the shelves earlier, and he was sure he’d have noticed it, so where had it come from? He carefully picked it up and looked down at it. It was a stuffed turtle.

“Cruel… blood.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanna explain real quick that it is canon that Ben struggles with food and uses it to deal with problems and he is insecure about it and his weight. And Eddies asthma isnt gone or cured and if you have asthma do not exercise without anybody there. Eddie is irresponsibly trying to fix his asthma which will not work for people with severe asthma. The only reason why it works here with Eddie is because while he does have minor asthma, most of it is in his head and most of his asthma attacks are actually anxiety attacks. So since the asthma is mostly in his head and he believes exercise will help it does end up helping him but it really has to do more with the breathing exercises associated with aerobic exercise than it does with getting fit. and richie's parents aren't abusive in this story they're just kind of oblivious idiots but they mean well. they neglect him emotionally but they're not abusing him and they will not in the future, BUT that child abuse warning is there for a reason bc it gonna get bad for someone. some stories on here have been so sad about richie i don't know where that came from but damn let my son be happy haven't they suffered enough?
> 
> Chapter title is from Cat People by David Bowie


	5. Can anybody hear me? Am I talking to myself?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie has a tough day. Featuring Sonia the Literal Demon and Richie being a dumbass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeeyyy so it's been a while (only a week but i missed you guys okay) so sorry about that. life sort of got Too Real and not gonna lie this chapter got way darker than i originally intended because i had a shitty couple of weeks lmao yikes. and bc of said shitty weeks, this chapter isnt as well edited as i would like it so i will go back and fix it when i have slept more than two hours. soo, i dont really know if this is too much angst and if this is graphic child abuse or abuse in general bc i literally cannot tell if some things are traumatic for people since im just used to it i guess???? that sounds bad i had strict overprotective parents who were raised in a "traditional" home so if i miss any trigger warning please let me know in the comments below and i will adjust them. also, for the same reason, i realized maybe this story isnt so safe for the general audience so im gonna bump up the warning to mature just bc of the child abuse and general trauma. this sounds so depressing did i mention this story has a happy ending? eventually?
> 
> Trigger warning for dissociation, child abuse, PTSD, sort of claustrophobia(???), and general shitty parenting. I will explain in the notes at the end if you want to skip this section. The scene in question here starts at the sentence "he jumped back, startled, and looked up." and ends with a section break and the next sentence "She kept him home from school for four days." but it does get discussed after but not graphic.

Ninth grade wasn’t so different than eighth, Eddie thought. The middle schoolers and high schoolers had the same school, since the school building was huge and there weren’t many kids in this shit town anyway. The right side of campus was for middle schoolers and the left was for high schoolers. They had different lunch periods, but shared the same football field and gym. Eddie thought it was a pretty stupid fucking idea to have high schoolers in the same building as middle schoolers, it was how Bowers and his old gang were able to torment the Loser’s Club for so long. Eddie seriously questioned the adults and their common sense in this town.

Bev was with them this year, and while the boys were happy she was back, others were not so welcoming. Greta Keene, the pharmacist’s daughter and the cruelest girl in the whole school, confronted Bev the second the stepped through the school doors.

“Wow, back so soon? Did your aunt decide she couldn’t stand to have a slut living in her house?”

The Losers glanced at Bev, unsure if she wanted them to get involved. Eddie didn’t have a problem fighting a girl, he’d punch anybody probably, but the others weren’t so sure.

Bev smirked at Greta, “Miss me?”

“Yeah, because I really need a whore like you in my school again.” Greta sneered.

“I’d be careful who you called a whore,” Bev said. “I heard your dad hasn’t been so faithful.” Greta spluttered, going red, but Bev continued to be a badass. “In fact, someone told me that he likes to watch little girls in the pharmacy.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Greta demanded in a shrill voice.

“You should ask your dad, if you don’t believe me,” Bev’s smirk faded away and she grew serious, “I wouldn’t though, who knows what’d he do if he found out you knew?”

Greta paled considerably before storming away. Eddie looked up at Bev who was watching Greta go with a flat expression.

“Bev?” Richie asked. He tapped her shoulder and when she didn’t pull away, placed his hand there. Bev wasn’t as jumpy as she used to be when people touched her, but whenever she was pensive and quiet, the Losers checked if she wanted to be touched by giving her a quick tap. They’d usually straight out ask, if it was only the other Losers around, but they knew she didn’t like to draw attention to it in public.

“Would her dad r-really do s-something like that?” Bill asked.

“No,” Bev muttered, “He’s a piece of shit, but he’s a cowardly piece of shit.”

“Kind of harsh,” Stan commented idly. Since the anniversary, he’d been quieter, and slept at Bill’s house often. Eddie noticed he stared into space more than he used to, and he always tried to bring him out of it by just talking about anything that came to mind. Sometimes that’s all they could really do, offer a distraction for each other when everything got to be too much. “Not that I care. That girl is awful,”

“Hm,” Bev hummed indifferently. She blinked, and the flat, blank stare faded away as her usual smile came back. “Come on, I’m not being late on the first day of class.”

 

 

Eddie didn’t care for school all that much, the only good thing about it was his friends. He didn’t like the teachers, or the other kids, or the disgusting cafeteria, but anywhere was better than home. His mother was getting increasingly irritated the more he avoided and outright ignored her. He knew she was going to do something soon. He didn’t know what, or when, but he knew she’d make him regret it. Eddie tried not to think about it, but it was always hanging over his head like a death sentence. He didn’t want to be trapped in the house again. He didn’t want to wake up everyday bored to tears and wheezing through panic attacks every time his mother came to check on him.

Eddie hadn’t slept well since last year, but now he hardly slept at all. Richie stopped coming to his room at night, not even on the weekends. Eddie didn’t know why, Richie acted normally during the day and at school, but as soon as the bell rang, he was gone. Eddie began to feel like he had done something wrong and Richie was avoiding him. He tried to think of something he said, or did, that would’ve pissed Richie off, but he honestly didn’t know. He and Richie never fought over anything serious; they bickered constantly, much to the Loser’s amusement and irritation, but nothing of importance. If they did, like the one-time Richie crashed Eddie’s brand-new bike, they yelled it out and got over it five minutes later. He couldn’t think of anything that Richie could do that would make Eddie avoid him. Richie was always a constant in his life, no matter how annoying he was or how lame his jokes were.

He worried about it constantly, but he was afraid to bring it up with anyone. If he asked the others if they noticed Richie was acting weird and they said no, then that would mean Richie was just mad at Eddie and Eddie had done something wrong. And if he confronted Richie about it, then they’d have to face it and what if Richie didn’t want to be his friend anymore? What would Eddie do then? No, he’d rather live in constant uncertainty than lose Richie, thank you very much.

He was worrying about it as he walked up his front steps to his house. It was because of this distraction that he didn’t notice his mom standing a few feet behind the front door when he opened and locked it behind him, until he almost bumped into her.

He jumped back, startled, and looked up. His mother was glaring at him and Eddie’s lungs stopped working for a beat. Oh no, he thought faintly in the part of his mind that wasn’t frantically screaming, I’m fucked.

“Mom?” he asked hesitantly. “Is something wrong?”

“Yes, yes there is, and there has been for a while now.” She said firmly. “I’ve let this go on for too long, Eddie, you are sick, and you need your medicine.”

“Mom, I’m not sick, they were placebo pills-”

“And who told you that? Your friends? I told you, they are no good for you, Edward! They’ve been tainting you, making you defiant like this, and I will not stand for it!”

Eddie stepped back, his body tensing to run. He glanced at her and to the backdoor. He could make it, he was fast. The front door was still behind him and he’d have to unlock the damn thing which always took forever because of the sticky lock. The backdoor was never locked though.

“Mom, I’m not sick,” Eddie said again. “I never was. I don’t know why you’re doing this, but I’m not defying you. I just want to be normal, and be a kid.”

“You’re not normal, Eddie, you’re sick and you have to be careful! What happened to my good little boy? I wouldn’t have to do this if you would just behave!”

Eddie didn’t want to know what “this” was because fuck that ominous shit, and he sprinted for the backdoor. He grabbed at the door knob frantically, but it was locked. It was never locked, why was it locked? He had just unlocked it, when his mother grabbed his arm and yanked him away. He cried out in pain as her nails dug into his skin and she began dragging him away.

“Mom!” he yelled. “Let me go!”

“I’m doing this because I love you Eddie,” she said over his screams. She barely flinched when he pulled at her hands, desperate to get free. “I wouldn’t have to at all if you had just listened to me. If you don’t want to listen, then fine, but you will be punished.”

Eddie’s heart was racing away in his chest and he didn’t know what she meant by being punished but he had an idea and he was going to be sick. He didn’t want to go with her, he wanted to leave and go to Richie’s or Bill’s and watch dumb movies with his friends.

“Mom! Stop, you can’t keep doing this!” Eddie tried to cling to the kitchen doorway with his free hand, but she ripped him away from it. “Let me go! Why are you doing this, Mom, please! You can’t, you can’t lock me away! Let me go, let go of me!”

She whirled around, and he barely registered her hand raising before he felt the sharp burst of pain on his cheek. He felt the slap echo through the house and he stared up at her in shock. She used his momentary distraction to drag him up the stairs and to his room, where she slammed the door closed and pushed him into his closet. He fell back against the wall, tripping over his shoes and banging his head on the clothing rack. She stood in front of him, heaving for breath, and glared at him. She grabbed his belt from a clothing hanger and folded it in half.

“You are going to stay in here until I say so,” she said. “If you want to be defiant, then fine, you are going to suffer the consequences.”

“Mommy, please,” he was sobbing now, and he hated it, he hated that she still had this power over him. He tried to stand up, but she swung the belt at him and it hit his chest, knocking him back down.

“I will come back in two hours. If you decide to be reasonable by then, then you can come out. But if not, you will stay in there all night.” She slammed the door closed and he heard the lock on the outside click before she stomped away. She left his room, closing that door behind her as well, and left Eddie alone.

“Mom!” he yelled, even though she was probably down the stairs by now. “Mommy please!”

She didn’t answer, and Eddie curled up on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest and cried. His cheek and chest hurt, he didn’t know if he was bleeding and it was too dark to see anything. He pressed his face to his knees and wrapped his arms around his head and sobbed.

 

 

He had a lot of time to think while he was locked away. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed exactly, but he hadn’t slept or eaten or had any water. His mother came back once, to ask if he was going to be reasonable. He threw himself against the door, banging his hands against it and screaming.

“You can’t keep me here forever! I won’t let you! You already took my childhood away, you can’t take away anything else! Let me go!”

Shockingly, she didn’t let him go. Since then, he grabbed some of his clothes from his hangers and made a small pillow. There were two spare blankets that were stored here with him, so he made a bed out of one and wrapped himself up in the other. He didn’t want to give into his mother, but he was hungry, and the closet was so small and dark. He knew he wasn’t big enough to break down the door, and he didn’t know how to pick the lock. His only chance to get out of here without having to bend down to his mother was if Richie came over. He wasn’t optimistic, since Richie was avoiding him for some reason, but he still hoped. He knew it was a long shot, and it’d probably hurt more when morning came, and Richie still hadn’t come, but he couldn’t help it.

He stayed awake staring into the darkness and huddling under his blanket. He didn’t like the dark. He didn’t like what could be hiding in it. Realistically, the closet was too small for anything else to fit in here with him, but that only made him more afraid. He was paranoid if he looked out from under the blanket, It would be an inch away from his face, mouth stretched into a crazed grin with those teeth, stretching over his entire face and there were so many and there was blood on them, blood and bits of flesh, and he really didn’t want to fucking look.

It must’ve been around one or two in the morning when the door to his bedroom creaked open. He held his breath, paralyzed with fear, but he heard his mother’s familiar steps.

“Eddie-bear,” she cooed. “Are you ready to be a good boy?”

Eddie had to cover his mouth with his hands to stop from sobbing. He just wanted to be let out, he wanted to have a normal mom and be able to be with his friends without being afraid to go home. He wanted to get out.

“I don’t want to leave you in there, but you need to listen to your mother. This is my house, Eddie, and I do everything for you. I give you clothes and food, I let you go to school, and all I ask is for you to obey me.”

Eddie thought of his friends, he thought of Ben and Mike, of their sweet and kind nature, of Stan and his quiet resilience, of Bill and his strength. He thought of Richie, but it hurt so fucking bad. He wanted his best friend back and he didn’t know what to do. He thought of Bev, of how badass she was, and how she lived through her dad’s abuse and got out on her own. He remembered her speaking of it this past summer. They had all been at the barrens, and it was nearing sundown. They were spread out on the ground, quietly enjoying each other’s company when Bev spoke up.

“I never thought about it before,” she had said, “But I could never be myself until I met you guys. I was always pretending. At school, at home. I didn’t want to be hurt more, you know? And pretending helped, but I wasn’t happy. You guys make me happy.”

Eddie took a deep breath and wiped his eyes. He could be strong like Bev. This was nothing compared to what Bev went through. Eddie could pretend.

“Okay,” Eddie whispered, closing his eyes. He tried not to hate himself for giving in, he tried to tell himself that it wasn’t giving in if he was pretending. But he hated himself anyway.

 

 

She kept him home from school for four days. Eddie retreated somewhere in his mind and acted through the motions of the day. He mostly stayed in bed, as his mother fretted around and gave him pill after pill. He didn’t feel much of anything, although if that was due to his own self-loathing or the pills, he couldn’t tell. He just pretended. He pretended his mother’s touch didn’t make him sick, and that he didn’t want to leave and never come back, and that it didn’t hurt at all that Richie or any of the Losers hadn’t come looking for him in the four days he’d been gone. He pretended.

It wasn’t until Saturday that his mom left him alone. He listened as she bustled around downstairs and then stomped her way to his room. The door opened, but he didn’t bother turning around to look at her.

“Eddie-bear,” she crooned, “I’m going to visit your aunt for the day, I’ll be back by seven, okay? Remember to take your medicine, dear, you don’t want to get sick.”

She left soon after and for a moment he just laid there. He wasn’t sure if this was a trap or not. He heard her drive away, but she could be lying. Eddie decided that he didn’t have the energy to care.

He got up slowly, his body aching in protest after laying still for so long. His vision blurred out when he stood up, but he hardly paused as he mechanically changed into his clothes and put on his shoes. He left out the backdoor and didn’t look back.

He wasn’t planning to go anywhere in particular. His feet were walking of their own accord, Eddie still felt like he was detached from his body and he was watching himself through a dirty window. He walked and walked until his feet stopped and he blinked up at a house. It took him a minute to realize he was in front of Bill’s house.

Eddie walked up the steps and knocked on the door. He didn’t have a plan, he didn’t even know if Bill was home, but he was too exhausted to care. The door opened, and Bill looked surprised to see him.

“Eddie?” Bill asked. “Where have you b-been? We figured your mom must’ve f-finally f-flipped and locked you up. I t-tried calling, b-but s-she said you were s-sick.”

Eddie vaguely understood Bill’s words, but it wasn’t making any sense in his head. It was Bill’s expression that finally tugged him back into existence. He looked worried, and he had reached out to place a hand on Eddie’s shoulder. It was the first touch in days that didn’t make his skin burn.

He blinked and felt tears spill out, but it wasn’t until Bill’s eyes widened and he pulled Eddie inside that Eddie snapped back into his body and suddenly, every pent-up emotion he’d been hiding for days hit him. Bill had barely closed the door before Eddie was sobbing.

“Eddie,” Bill said softly. He hugged Eddie tightly and Eddie couldn’t do anything but cry harder. “Oh Eddie, no, what happened?”

 

 

Richie knew he was being a piece of shit friend, okay? He knew this, and he didn’t need Bev pointing this out to him. He was an asshole and he knew it, but he didn’t know what to do. He was a coward and he hated it, but he was afraid.

He knew his friends loved him and there was basically nothing he could do that would make them hate him, but he was still fucking terrified. He didn’t really think about it until Bev pointed it out, but he really wasn’t subtle at all when it came to Eddie. He was a fool in love and he knew it. He knew the other Losers knew him and Eddie were close, and that Richie was a touchy sort of person, and that he flirted with anything that moved, but he didn’t know if they knew how he really felt about Eddie. He had accepted the fact that he was in love with Eddie for a while now, and when Bev found out, because she was Bev and knew everything, he felt relieved to be able to talk about it. But that didn’t mean he wanted the rest of the Losers to find out. He knew they were all the kindest people on this whole planet, probably, but if they knew then that made it _real_.

Richie loved Eddie, he really fucking loved the little asthmatic, and this wasn’t news to anyone, but Richie didn’t realize how big of a problem it was going to be until school started over again. The Losers were all having lunch when Mike made a passing comment about a pretty girl in his class and Eddie asked if it was the girl with the cute hair. Richie suddenly realized that, holy fucking shit, he was in love with his best friend who did not feel the same and Richie was going to have to watch him find a girl and fall in love and pretend to be happy about it. That was a little too much for his brain to grasp all at once and he couldn’t believe he’d never thought of this before. What the fuck else did he think was going to happen? Eddie had never made any indication he felt the same about Richie and they weren’t going to be kids forever. Eddie was going to move on in life without him, and get a girlfriend and go to college and get a job and be the beautiful, smart guy Richie loved and wow, Richie was suddenly terrified Eddie was going to leave him.

Sure, Eddie was Richie’s everything, but he wasn’t Eddie’s. The realization made Richie want to cry.

He didn’t want the others to know because that meant it was real and he’d have to do something about it. He didn’t want to lose Eddie. He didn’t know what the fuck he would do without Eddie. He had loved Eddie since he was seven years old, and god fucking knew he wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. And how long could he get away without Eddie knowing anyway? Surely, Eddie was going to realize at some point that boys weren’t supposed to sleep in the same bed so often as they did, and then Eddie wouldn’t let him and honestly Richie wouldn’t blame him. Richie already felt shitty that he was looking at his best friend like this without him knowing, he felt like he was using Eddie and he hated that. He couldn’t help staring at Eddie though, Eddie was so beautiful it was impossible to look away.

Richie didn’t fucking know what to do, and the person he told everything to, was the person who was inadvertently causing this just by existing, and he couldn’t tell Stan because then he’d _know_ , and he didn’t want to tell Bev because then she’d give him that _don’t be a fucking dumbass_ look that he knew meant she thought he was being stupid for not telling Eddie, but it wasn’t that fucking simple.

So, yes, Richie was being a shit friend to Eddie because he didn’t know what the fuck else he was supposed to do. He just felt so goddamn guilty and heartbroken when he looked at Eddie. He knew that Eddie knew him too well and would figure out in two seconds something was wrong if he actually talked to Eddie, so he did everything he could to make sure that did not happen.

Bev, because she was fucking psychic or something, immediately caught onto his plan and gave him a flat look when he showed up at her apartment to smoke.

“I know you’re going through shit, but stop being a shit head already. You’re going to end up hurting him,”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he denied immediately. She raised an eyebrow, giving him an unimpressed look, but she didn’t push him, and he loved her for it.

Eddie had been gone for four days now and Richie was worried out of his mind, and he pestered Bill everyday if he had heard anything and if he called and what did Eddie’s mom say did he hear Eddie at all? Bill sighed with annoyance at his barrage of questions, but Richie could tell Bill was just as worried about Eddie as Richie was.

Richie was pacing his room when the house phone rang, and his mother called up for him.

“Richie, it’s Bill! Answer the phone!” she yelled from the kitchen and he ran downstairs, skidding to a stop in front of the phone and picking it up quickly.

“Bill?” he asked.

“What did you do?” Bill cut him off.

“What?”

“Eddie s-showed up at my house and he’s crying, and you’ve been ignoring h-him, s-so what did you do?”

“Wait what? Why is Eddie crying?”

“I don’t know! H-he s-said something about his mom. Come over h-here and fix whatever you d-did. I can’t g-get anything out of h-him.”

 

 

Eddie was sitting on Bill’s bed and Bill sat down in front of him after handing him a box of tissues. Eddie wiped tiredly at his face and sniffled.

“Do you w-want to t-talk about it?” Bill asked quietly.

Eddie felt more tears burn at the back of his eyes, but he stubbornly shook his head. He wanted to go to sleep, and he wanted to leave his house and never go back. He didn’t even know why he started crying, he was just so tired.

“Do you w-want a hug?” Bill offered, and Eddie couldn’t stop the tears anymore than he could stop from nodding his head. Bill wrapped him in a hug and Eddie closed his eyes, sinking into it gratefully. He didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but he only pulled away when he heard approaching footsteps and frantic scrambling at Bill’s bedroom door.

It flew open and a wild-eyed Richie stumbled in, immediately zeroing in on Eddie. Eddie blinked at him in surprise. He didn’t expect to see Richie for a while, and while he figured Bill must’ve called him, he was almost in disbelief that Richie actually came.

“Eds,” Richie breathed out, taking a step forward. He stopped in his tracks and rocked back on his feet uncertainly, “Oh, Eds, I’m sorry.”

Don’t, Eddie thought to himself fiercely, don’t you fucking do it. His body ignored him, and he felt tears fill his eyes again. Richie made a distressed sound and rushed forward, wrapping his arms around him and Eddie stiffened. He was mad at Richie for ignoring him for seemingly no reason, but he was mostly so relieved that Richie was here, that he still cared about him. He slumped into Richie’s embrace and clutched at Richie’s shirt to reassure himself that Richie wasn’t going anywhere.

“I’m so sorry Eddie, I’m dumb and I’m an idiot and I should have never tried to ignore you.” Richie told Eddie quietly, slowly rocking Eddie back and forth in that soothing way he always did when Eddie was upset. “You didn’t do anything wrong, I was just being stupid, I’m sorry, Eds.”

Eddie still didn’t understand, but if he was being honest, he was always going to forgive him. Richie was Richie and he was Eddie’s best friend, even when he was being an idiot. He still wanted to know what happened, but he was too tired right now and he finally felt safe and relaxed in his friend’s arms. He could ask questions later, but for now Eddie only nodded and buried his face in the crook of Richie’s neck, where he could close his eyes and pretend everything was okay.

Richie kissed the side of his head before holding him tighter. It was quiet, and Eddie was dozing away in Richie’s arms when Bill spoke up.

“What happened, Eddie?” Bill asked softly. He felt Bill place his hand on his back and began rubbing soothing circles on it. “What’s going on?”

Eddie didn’t want to talk about it. He knew he should, but he was so fucking tired.

“My mom,” he croaked out. Richie ran a hand through his hair and shifted so Richie was sitting down on Bill’s bed instead of kneeling in front of Eddie, and pulled Eddie mostly onto his lap. Eddie let himself be moved without protest, and only held on to Richie tighter when he settled down. “She got mad.”

“Did she lock you in your room again?” Richie prompted when Eddie stopped talking.

Eddie sighed shakily. “I knew she was going to do something soon, but I didn’t- I didn’t think it’d be so bad.” He could almost feel his mom’s nails digging into his skin, feel the stinging pain after being hit. “I tried to run away first, but the door was locked, it’s never locked but she locked it because she knew I’d run, she knew. A-and I didn’t want to go, but she dragged me away and it hurt, and she hit me, and she locked me in the closet and it was so dark in there and I was scared.”

He was sobbing again, he couldn’t tell if he was even understandable at this point, but he figured they got the gist of it when Richie hugged him impossibly tighter and whispered softly, “Oh, Eds, I’m sorry I should’ve been there.”

“I was so alone,” Eddie gasped. “She left me there for so long, and I kept hoping you’d come find me, but you never did, and I didn’t want to let her win, but I was so scared.”

Bill had shuffled forward and engulfed them both into a hug by then. Eddie’s sobs calmed down with the familiar presence of both his friends. He was warm and hidden between them, and he could almost pretend that his mother could never find him here, in this safe little family he found in his friends.

“I’m sorry,” Richie kept repeating softly, “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m s-sorry too, Eddie,” Bill murmured quietly. “We s-should have r-realized s-something was w-wrong.” Eddie didn’t blame his friends, not really, but there was a little part of him that was still bitter and hurt that they hadn’t thought of checking on him. He knew that it was stupid to think like that, that his friends couldn’t have known because Eddie always missed school when his mother freaked out about some imaginary disease.

“Are you okay?” Richie asked. “Did she hurt you really badly?”

Eddie shook his head. “I don’t think so, it’s just bruises.”

“That’s still bad,” Richie protested. He kissed Eddie’s temple and cheek and forehead, “She shouldn’t hit you at all.”

Eddie didn’t know about that. His mom used to hit him, with and without the belt, when he misbehaved as a smaller child, but she hadn’t done it in a while. Maybe he foolishly thought she would never do it again, and that’s why it hurt so much this time. The closet was new, although she always came up with new and painful punishments, like kneeling on the concrete in the garage, or cleaning the kitchen floor by hand until it shined, or that one time she ripped his bedroom door off its hinges. Eddie didn’t think he should tell the others about that though, Richie was already upset enough.

“You can s-stay here for today,” Bill said. “We can talk later. B-but now, you s-should get s-some sleep, Eddie.”

Bill and Richie moved him under the sheets and Bill left to call the other Losers as Richie crawled in bed with Eddie. He wrapped Eddie in his arms again and placed gentle kisses on his cheeks and nose before softly brushing his hand through Eddie’s hair.

“Go to sleep, Eddie,” Richie said quietly. “I’ll stay here with you, I’m not going anywhere again, I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay for those who skipped here's the dealio: Sonia tries to confront eddie bc she thinks he's being defiant and drags him to his room, slaps him a bit, hits him with a belt and locks him in his closet for the night with the threat of no food or water until he agrees to behave. and after that Eddie is understandably a little messed up and dissociates while his mom keeps him home from school for four days because hes "sick" (spoiler alert: he's not she's just loosin them marbles if you know what im sayin)  
> and with Bev confronting Greta it mightve seemed a little cruel but Bev is not intentionally a cruel person, okay she's just traumatized and theyre all only 14 they dont exactly have good conflict resolution skills. (and gretas dad is a total perv but he wouldnt actually do anything and he wont in this story).
> 
> Chapter title from tag youre it by melanie martinez


	6. I lost my mind, I don't mind (where's my mind?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lost my mind, I dont mind. Where's my mind?  
> Where's my mind?  
> Maybe it's in the gutter, where I left my lover  
> What an expensive fate.  
> My V is for Vendetta, thought that I'd feel better  
> But now i got a bellyache.
> 
> aka: honey i fucked up the kids' mental health

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again, it is i, back with more angst even though i said last week that it would be happier lmao shout out to that sweet depression. this chapter is a long one, for me at least, and i think i kind of have an idea how long this story is going to be now. i'm thinking like 20ish chapters? i wish i could show you my outline, but you know spoilers, because i think i'm fucking hilarious and it's just a mess of outdated vine references and memes that somehow turns into a story? how you may ask??? i honestly dont know.
> 
> Content Warning for your chapter today:  
> some sweet depression, with a side of dissociation and just a sprinkle of suicidal thoughts. And to top it all off we have vomiting with a hint of implied eating disorders.

Eddie got really good at pretending. He pretended he wasn’t angry and resentful towards his mother, he pretended that he was happy and doing well, he pretended he didn’t stay up until two in the morning wishing the fucking clown had killed him in that sewer a year ago.

He pretended

It was almost something to be proud of, when he could even fool Bev into thinking he was all right. Bev was the best pretender of them all. He couldn’t fool Richie, because Richie knew him too well, and he made it a point to sneak into Eddie’s room at least three times a week so he knew Eddie didn’t sleep. Eddie knew he was worried, but he pretended he didn’t and that was that.

At home, Eddie behaved like a good little boy and swallowed his pills. He puked them up later, when his mom let him go back to his room. Even Richie didn’t know about that. Eddie was careful, he knew Richie would be worried, but he just couldn’t keep the pills down, he couldn’t fucking do it. He could pretend to be the happiest, most well-adjusted kid on the planet, but he fucking refused to take those goddamn placebos again. He’d rather die.

He copied down the names of the pills and their ingredients and took the list to the library. Mike still volunteered there, although now that school started he had to work less hours. Eddie didn’t want to involve Mike at first, but he had to admit that he really didn’t know shit about the library and wouldn’t even know where to start looking. He stopped by on Saturday around noon, when Mike usually started and found him in the back, shelving old books.

“Hey Mike,” he called as he walked up.

Mike looked up, looking surprised but happy to see him. “Hi Eddie, what are you doing here?”

“I was hoping you could help me with something, actually.” Eddie glanced around, paranoid his mother could hear him. “With a research project, of sorts.”

“Research project?” Mike raised a skeptical eyebrow, “What for?”

Eddie handed over the list and waited nervously as Mike looked it over. When he saw Mike’s furrowed brow and questioning look, he quickly blurted out, “My mom is making me take pills again and I don’t know what they are or what they’re supposed to do, and I really don’t want to take them but she’s making me, so I at least want to know what they’re doing to me, you know?”

Mike blinked. “Wait, when did she make you take pills? Is that why Bill called us when you came to his house the other week?”

“Kind of, yeah. I just really need to know what these pills are, I can’t ask anybody else or my mom would undoubtedly find out and never let me leave the house again.”

“Of course, I’ll help, Eddie,” Mike assured him. “How is it, with your mom and everything?”

Eddie glanced away, shrugging. “It’s fine, I guess. Same old bullshit as before. She can’t take me out of school, as much as she’d like to, so at least there’s that.”

Mike patted him on the shoulder, “I know it sucks, but she’ll tone it down after a couple of months. We’ve missed you at movie night.”

Eddie’s chest tightened with longing. He wasn’t allowed to leave the house on the weekends except to go to the pharmacy, which is where his mother thought he was now. He lied to his mother after school and told her he was at tutoring for math, so he could hang out with his friends, but it wasn’t the same. He missed his friends, and he loathed being stuck at home with his mom. He wasn’t allowed to go outside once he got home from school, so he was stuck doing homework in his room and rereading old comic books unless Richie decided to sneak over. He still sneaked out most morning to go running, although now it wasn’t for controlling his asthma as much as it was a distraction from his problems.

“I miss you guys too,” he said with a sigh, “Maybe by next month she’ll let me out more than once a week. How long do you think it’ll take for you to look up what those pills are?”

“Not too long, I think. I’ll have something by Monday, at least. I want to check the encyclopedias before I dig up articles and research papers about them.”

“Thanks Mike, I really appreciate this.”

“No problem Eddie, just take care of yourself, okay? Don’t worry too much, I’m sure these are just sugar pills.”

Eddie hoped to fucking god they were. He didn’t particularly like puking his guts up every morning, and he didn’t know how long he could get away with it until someone found out. After going to the pharmacy to pick up his bullshit medication, he went home and immediately hid in his room and locked the door behind him. Just because he was good at pretending, didn’t mean he wanted to talk to his mother more than necessary.

 

 

Richie thought he was a pretty laid-back person. He was a joker, so he was rarely serious about anything. He wasn’t careless, per se, he just didn’t have a brain to mouth filter and didn’t really give a shit about anybody other than his friends. His friends were probably the only ones that could get him to shut up and listen, because he loved them, and he cared about them. He knew he tended to blabber on and on without really noticing, and sometimes he said offensive shit, but his friends always reminded him when he got too far. Whenever he heard “beep, beep Richie” he shut up and tried to backtrack, tried to figure out what he said that was too much. He wouldn’t do this for anyone else, but he cared what his friends thought of him, and he didn’t want to hurt them in any way. His friends were also the only ones who ever saw him get emotional. He didn’t like to cry, or get angry or anything like that. His parents generally ignored him whenever he was upset as a kid, so he got used to hiding it. With his friends, he knew they wouldn’t judge him and while he still wasn’t about to go writing poems like Ben, he was way better than he used to be. And because of this, he was a fucking pro at reading people, especially his friends.

Which is why he was banging on Stan’s front door at nine at night and impatiently waiting for someone to let him the fuck in. He was still knocking obnoxiously on the door when it swung open and Stan’s dad looked at him with the most unimpressed face ever. Stan really did look a lot like his dad.

“Hey Mister Uris,” he said, already skidding past him, and heading to the stairs to Stan’s room. “You’re looking good today, new haircut?”

Stan’s dad sighed and closed the door. “Hello, Richie.”

Richie bounded up the steps, grinning. Stan’s parents were all too used to him now. Richie had been annoying the shit out of them since he was old enough to talk, and this sure as hell was not the first time he came over at a questionable hour and ran around like he lived here. He burst through Stan’s door and it really was a sign of their friendship that Stan didn’t look up from his book.

“What do you want?” Stan said, casually turning a page. He was sitting on his bed, reading before bed like he always did, and Richie flung himself on Stan’s armchair with a huff.

“Why do you think I came here for something, can’t I just come over and enjoy my friend’s company?”

Stan looked up from his book to level him with an unimpressed stare – the resemblance to his dad was uncanny, really.

Richie rolled his eyes, “Okay so, there’s something wrong with Eddie.”

“When isn’t there something wrong with Eddie?” Stan retorted, going back to his book.

“No, I mean for real, not some disease he thinks he got. He’s starting to freak me out.” Stan glanced up again, raising a single eyebrow for Richie to continue. “He’s been acting all shifty, and he’s twitchy about it when I ask him, and not his normal twitchiness. He’s hiding something, I know it. And have you looked at him lately? He’s almost as thin and sickly looking as your dick.”

Stan sighed, closing his book after carefully placing a bookmark inside. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Now, what the hell are you talking about?”

“Haven’t you noticed? He’s a twig!” Richie exclaimed, flinging his hands up in exasperation. “He’s all pale and quiet it’s freaking me the fuck out.”

“He does look thinner,” Stan admitted after a moment. “But that doesn’t mean something’s wrong with him.”

“He’s not okay, Stan, I know him okay? There’s something he’s not telling us.” Richie looked at Stan pleadingly. He didn’t know how to explain it, but there was just something _off_ about Eddie, like he had been washed out or something. It wasn’t noticeable at first glance, but Richie sure as fuck looked at him a lot more than one fucking glance, so he saw it. Eddie wasn’t all there when Richie looked at him, there was a dullness in his normally bright eyes, and when he held him close at night, Richie could feel his ribs a lot more than he ever had before. He hadn’t seen Eddie as much as he’d like to, since Sonia was keeping him under lock and key again, so he couldn’t pinpoint what was bothering Eddie.

Stan looked at him carefully, gaze assessing and sharp. After a solid minute, he asked, “This doesn’t have anything to do with your crush on him, does it? Did you tell him or something?”

Richie sputtered, gaping at Stan. For once in his life he was fucking speechless. He finally choked out after a minute, “You know?”

Stan rolled his eyes, “Richie, I’ve known you since we were in diapers, shithead, of course I know.”

Richie closed his still open mouth, staring at Stan in bewilderment, “Why did you never say anything?”

“I figured you’d tell me when you’re ready. I wasn’t going to spring it on you, I’m not that much of an asshole.” Stan shrugged. “So, does it?”

“What?”

“Does your crush have anything to do with Eddie acting weird?” Stan snapped impatiently. Richie was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that his friend knew for however fucking long he did and never said anything.

“Wait, so you’re not mad at me or anything?”

Stan’s scowl twisted into a confused expression, “Why would I be mad?”

“Because, I don’t know, of me liking dick and going to hell or whatever?”

“Okay, first I’m Jewish, secondly why the fuck would I be mad about that? I don’t care who you want to fuck, as long as I don’t have to hear about said fucking. Which is unrealistic, probably, since you never shut up.” Stan raised his eyebrow when Richie said nothing, “Wow, I don’t think you’ve ever stayed quiet for so long. Are you having a stroke?”

Richie blinked at Stan, his eyes suddenly stinging. Bev had found out, because she’s Bev, but they didn’t talk about it like this. She confronted him head on like she does with everything, casually asking if he liked Eddie and patting him on the shoulder when he nodded before changing the subject. After that, she would offhandedly ask him about it until he was able to bring it up himself. It wasn’t so scary then, because Bev was so chill about everything, but this was Stan, who he’s known since they were babies. He knew his friends wouldn’t care about his sexuality, but he didn’t know how fucking relieved and _loved_ he would feel hearing it. All of the Losers were good people, they didn’t give a fuck about race or gender or sexuality or religion, they accepted everybody as they were and that was that. But being on the other end of that, feeling their unquestionable acceptance and love, was overwhelming. He suddenly wanted to call a movie night at Bill’s and hug all his friends and tell them he loved them.

Stan’s face softened when Richie still didn’t speak, “You’re not any different now, Richie, you’re still my annoying best friend. It doesn’t matter who you love, that doesn’t change anything.”

Richie flung himself onto Stan, hugging him tightly. He felt Stan hug back immediately and tried very hard not to cry. “Thanks Stan,”

“You’re an idiot,” Stan said fondly. “I’ve dealt with your annoying ass for this long, I honestly doubt there’s anything you could do that would change that.”

Richie grinned, sitting down on the bed with Stan, but not letting go just yet. “Aww I love you too, Stan the Man.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Stan said. “Of course, I love you.” Richie let go of Stan, crossing his legs on Stan’s bed. Stan rolled his eyes at Richie’s grin, but there was a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Now, what’s the deal with Eddie?”

“I haven’t told him,” Richie told him. “I don’t know if I want to, but that’s not the problem here. He doesn’t look healthy.”

Stan leveled him with a flat look, “We’re talking about this later, your pining after Eddie is getting old. But fine, so what do we do? If he didn’t tell you, I doubt he’d tell anyone. Maybe he’s just stressed about being back under house arrest?”

“I don’t know, he’s never acted like this when he’s been stuck inside before.” He said anxiously. “You didn’t see him at Bill’s last month, Stan, he was a mess. And he was telling us Sonia hit him and locked him in a closet all night, like what the fuck? I’m worried about him trapped with her all the time.”

“She hit him?” Stan asked, “Was this the first time?”

“I don’t think so,”

“There’s not much we can do, Eddie’s a minor and she’s his legal guardian. We can’t exactly hide him in our rooms.”

Richie scowled. He wished he could bundle up his Eds and take him away from that god-awful house and from Sonia. If he could, if it wouldn’t make it worse for Eddie, Richie would’ve done it years ago. Sonia always threatened to move away with Eddie if Eddie pushed too far, and Richie was terrified she’d make use of that threat and take Eddie somewhere far away where Richie couldn’t follow.

“We have to do something,” Richie insisted. “He hasn’t looked like this since – since last summer. Right after we fought It.”

Stan sobered, looking down at the book on his lap. It was still a sensitive topic. It probably would always be. Richie remembered the first few weeks after the sewers, when Eddie wouldn’t get out of bed, when he’d wake up to Eddie’s frantic wheezing for air, or his sobs. He remembered holding Eddie close after nightmares, feeling Eddie’s shaky breaths on his neck and Eddie’s tears cooling on his t-shirt. Eddie hardly ate or slept, and he’d stare into space with empty eyes, seeing something Richie couldn’t. Richie was so afraid back then, not so much for himself, but for Eddie. He’d worry he was watching his best friend, his Eds, fade away into nothing right in front of him. The first time Eddie really smiled at Richie after the sewers, Richie wanted to cry in relief. Eddie’s smile was the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, and his laugh was music to Richie’s ears. He’d do anything to make Eddie laugh.

 

 

On Monday, Mike pulled Eddie aside in the morning, away from the other Losers who give them questioning looks. Eddie looked up at Mike, who looked worried, and frowned.

“What is it?” Eddie asked.

“Those drugs you asked me to look into,” Mike began, “You can’t take them, okay?”

Eddie’s eyes widened, “What are they?”

“They’re some newer drugs that are supposed to mimic the drug Prozac, but they’re not FDA approved, half of the drugs on the market aren’t. Apparently, there’s tons of kids killing themselves, it’s the highest suicide rate for teens we’ve ever seen and they’re making new antidepressants to help, but they’re not being tested. I don’t know how your mom got these without you going to a doctor first, but you can’t take them.”

“What do you mean untested can they do that?”

“Technically, yes. They don’t have to report much to doctors or hospitals, or the FDA and we’re supposed to take them at their word, but all they’re after is the money. You haven’t been taking them, right?” Eddie shakes his head. “Good, don’t. Prozac is an antidepressant, a really strong one, it’s a mood modifier and you really shouldn’t take them without a prescription who knows what the side effects for that is.”

Eddie gapes at Mike in shock. He really shouldn’t be so surprised, his mother has been drugging him since he could walk, but holy shit his mother is trying to shove antidepressants down his throat because he told her no.

Mike patted his shoulder firmly, “Don’t take the pills, Eddie, just flush them or something. These aren’t sugar pills this time, I don’t know what they’d do to you but they’re dangerous.”

“I won’t,” Eddie promised. “What did you mean about the highest rate of suicide?”

“Depression is a serious condition, Eddie. It’s only been recently acknowledged as one, but it kills people as sure as a bullet does. There’s a lot we don’t know about mental illnesses. There’s PTSD, depression, general anxiety, social anxiety, OCD, I couldn’t name them all if I tried.”

Eddie thought of the mental health he browsed through at the library. He couldn’t read past the section on PTSD, because it was all too similar to his own life and it scared him. He knew he had anxiety, but did that kill people? It felt like dying when he had anxiety attacks and he wondered if actually dying was better, if death meant no more gasping for air, no more hyperventilating until you black out, no more crushing weight on your chest or extreme paranoia that something was wrong, something was wrong with him, and the painful longing that hit him made him realize why death would seem like the easier choice for some. Eddie didn’t know if that realization should terrify him, but he was mostly numb. He knew about OCD, that’s what Stan had, but other than that he was at a lost.

“Isn’t depression just being sad all the time? Isn’t that normal?” Eddie asked.

Mike looked at him with concern, “No, it’s not. It’s not just being sad, it’s not being able to feel anything. It’s debilitating.”

“Oh,” Eddie said faintly. He wanted to sit down for a minute, or thirty, but the bell for school rang and the other Losers were coming over. Richie caught his gaze and his relaxed expression immediately turned concerned. He walked faster to get to Eddie’s side and gently grabbed Eddie’s arm.

“Hey,” he asked softly. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“I…” Eddie just looked at him and Richie’s brow furrowed. He glanced to Mike and back to Eddie, his other hand coming up to Eddie’s neck,

“Do you want to leave?” he asked, leaning down to speak quieter. “We can go home, if you want.”

“Yeah,” Eddie said after a beat. “Okay.” Richie nodded and grabbed his hand, turning towards Stan, and telling him something. Stan nodded, and Richie began to tug Eddie gently away from the crowd of students and back towards their bikes. They walked their bikes to Richie’s house, which was probably good since Eddie was pretty sure if he tried to ride his bike he’d fall. At Richie’s house, Richie led them to his room and Eddie sat down on the bed heavily.

“Do you want to talk?” Richie asked, sitting down next to him. Eddie shook his head, he was suddenly unbearably tired. “Lay down?” Eddie nodded and Richie tugged Eddie down with him, arranging them in their usual places, Richie on his back with an arm around Eddie, and Eddie’s head on his chest, one arm slung over his torso. Richie ran his fingers through Eddie’s hair, and kissed his forehead.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Richie said “But I’m always here for you, okay? Always, no matter what, and you can tell me anything. You don’t have to be alone, Eddie, you’re never alone.”

“Okay,” Eddie whispered. He turned his face to nuzzle into the space between Richie’s neck and shoulder. It was safe there, and Eddie closed his eyes, breathing in the familiar scent of laundry detergent, faint smoke, and something else sweet that he could never place. “I love you, Rich.”

“I love you too, Eds,” Richie whispered back, pressing another kiss in his hair.

 

 

Another month passed; Eddie’s birthday passed without much affair. He wasn’t allowed outside, but his mom made a cake. It was on a Saturday, and usually he’d go spend it with his friends in the Barrens, but this time he spent it locked in his room, under his covers. Richie sneaked in at noon, which was risky, but Eddie couldn’t care less in that moment. Richie grinned at him, and flopped down in the bed with him, shoving a wrapped box at him. Richie gave him new comic books and an old car book. They spent the afternoon looking through it, Eddie reading each page with interest and Richie looking at the pictures and making fun of the people in the photos.

It was October now, and Eddie was allowed to go to movie nights again. It was the best night he had in a while and his face hurt from smiling so much. Bill and Stan made the baseball team, and they went to their first game, cheering obnoxiously whenever Bill or Stan got to play in the field. Bev was an aggressive fan, yelling instructions at Bill and Stan and cheering the loudest when they played well, screaming “I taught them that! Look at my boys!”

His mom still gave him pills and made sure he swallowed them, having Eddie open his mouth wide so she could check if he was hiding it under his tongue. Eddie continued to vomit them back up when she left. It wasn’t healthy, he knew, but he didn’t have much of a choice. Richie still knew something was wrong, he didn’t push Eddie, but Eddie knew he was worried when he held him tightly at night. Eddie wanted to tell him he was okay, but Richie could always tell when he was lying.

People still stared at them at school, but Eddie rarely had the energy to care about that anymore. He mostly pretended they weren’t there. He wished he could float off into the sky, fade away into nothing, not thinking of anything but peace until he couldn’t think at all. He sometimes caught himself thinking of those floating bodies in the sewer. Would he look like them if he died? Stiff, with bloated faces, red eyeballs and gray tongues, and skin tearing off their bodies in places. He wondered in the maggots and bugs would make a home in his flesh, eat away at him until nothing was left.

As it got closer to Halloween, his mom grew more lenient and Eddie was allowed most evenings, as along as he was back before the sun went down. He sneaked out the nights Richie didn’t sleep over, and he wandered. He didn’t take his bike, he just walked. He walked to the barrens and to the quarry, he walked through the neighborhoods and he walked through parks. He just walked.

He was walking one night, and it was probably getting close to two in the morning. He found himself at the kissing bridge, absentmindedly reading the graffiti. There were initials painted inside hearts, some were crossed out, some graffiti was just crude or gross, or some kind of gang signs. There was a lot of slurs. He stared at those the longest, the homophobic slurs, read them until he could remember them all. He wondered if homosexuality was another mental illness Mike mentioned. Could it be? He knew it wasn’t right. He saw the news, he listened to people talk, his mother talk. Those people were sick, sick in the head. Maybe Eddie was sick. Not physically sick like his mother led him to believe, but sick in the head. Is that why he was like this, he wondered, was he being punished for being sick in the head? Eddie didn’t let himself think of sex, or boys, or girls for that matter. He ignored the prospects of relationships, he didn’t understand when some of the Losers would talk about the opposite sex, he didn’t want to. He ignored it all.

But that night, staring at the graffiti, he was too tired to ignore it, he was so goddamn tired, and the truth was looking him straight in the face and he couldn’t look away.

He heard footsteps and turned around, not expecting to see anything except maybe a bunny or squirrel.

The leper stood at the end of the bridge, blocking it, and its mauled face was twisted up into something that could be a smile or a sneer.

“Come on, Wheezy,” it groaned out. “I’ll blow you for a dime? You know you want to, don’t lie. What about a nickel?  I’ll blow you for a nickel, I’ll blow you for free! Come float with me,”

Eddie scrambled back until he tripped, falling hard on his back. He blinked, and the leper was gone. He frantically turned around, his heart beating too quickly in his chest, but there was nothing there. He looked back to where the leper had been standing, but there was only a small turtle. It must have made the noise he heard. He stared at it as it turned its head to look at him. It blinked at him, and for a second he thought the eyes looked human, looked intelligent and all knowing, but the next it was just a turtle. It turned back and continued on its way.

Eddie laid there for a second, gasping in breaths and shaking. He didn’t notice he was sobbing until he heard a horrible, brokenhearted keen and realized that he was making that sound. He curled up, hugging his knees to his chest and scooting back so his back was pressed against the side of the bridge and sobbed until the sun began to rise.

He didn’t go to school. He didn’t get out of bed, and when his mother came in to wake him up, he said he felt sick and she cooed, fussing over him. He didn’t have a fever, because he wasn’t sick on the outside, he was sick in his head, so his mother went to work. He got up after a while, his vision blacking out for a minute, and stumbled to the bathroom. He looked gray in the mirror and he thought of Georgie, of how gray he turned, how mangled, and ripped apart he looked.

“I’m sick,” Eddie whispered. Maybe this is what his mom sensed in him for all these years, and that’s what she couldn’t cure. He was sick, he knew it, he’s known it for years, but he ignored it, but there was no hiding now. He was stripped down to his bones, there was nothing to hide behind.

Eddie began scrubbing at his skin, only pausing to vomit his medicine his mom made sure he took this morning, and scrubbed and scrubbed until his arms were bleeding. He was sick, but he could hide it again. He just needed to be clean, he needed to get clean, he was dirty and disgusting, and he couldn’t look in the reflection or he’d puke again. He just needed to get clean.

Something crashed in his room, but Eddie only faintly heard it. He couldn’t bring himself to care; if it was the leper, let it kill him already and get it over with. The bathroom door swung open, but Eddie didn’t look up until someone was yelling at him, pulling his arms out from under the water and pressing towels down on his bloody arms. He looked at them blankly, idly wondering where the soap went, when his hearing started to fade back in.

“Eddie, Eds, no, no, no, what did you do? Oh my god, what the fuck did you do? Fuck, Eddie, Eds look at me please, Eddie please you’re scaring me. Shit, what do I do, what the fuck, oh my god, Eddie no, no, no. You’re going to be okay, alright? Eddie please say something, Eds, can you hear me?”

His legs gave out as soon as the voice registered, and he felt Richie scramble to catch him, hugging him to his chest before gently guiding him to the floor, sitting him against the bathtub. The towels came back, wrapping around his forearms. Warm hands cupped his face, tearing his gaze away from his arms and forcing him to look at Richie’s terrified expression.

“Eddie, baby, please answer me, Eds, Eds, please, what did you do to yourself?” There were tears on Richie’s face and Eddie stared at them. Why was Richie crying, what did he do? Richie never cried. Was he mad that Eddie was dirty, did he know?

“Eddie, Jesus Christ, please say something. Come on, Eds, please baby, please answer me. Come back to me Eddie,”

Eddie blinked. Richie was still crying, and it was beginning to worry at Eddie, dragging him back into his body. “Rich?”

“Eds! Oh, thank god, oh my god, Eddie.” Richie crushed him into a hug and Eddie could hear his sobs. Richie only pulled back to frantically kiss Eddie’s hair and forehead, his warm hands going back to cup his face. “Eddie, what did you do, what are you doing, you scared the shit out of me, please don’t ever do that again. Please, please don’t hurt yourself Eddie, please.”

Eddie looked down at his arms in surprise, “Oh,” he said stupidly. The pain was beginning to hit him, and he noticed he was shaking.

“Come on,” Richie said, wrapping his arms around him and not letting go of him as he dragged Eddie up. Richie was shaking almost as bad as he was, and Eddie’s legs weren’t working for some reason. “Come on, Eddie, let’s get you out of here, okay?”

Richie picked him up and carried him to Eddie’s room, kicking the door closed and placing Eddie gently on the bed.

“Why the fuck are you so fucking light?” Richie was mumbling as he tore Eddie’s room apart, looking for something. “I fucking knew something was wrong, god, I should’ve done something. I’m sorry, Eddie, I’m so sorry.”

Eddie didn’t know why Richie was apologizing, but Richie had found Eddie’s first aid box, always fully stocked, and sat in front of Eddie.

“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, you’re the doctor here, but fuck it. I’m sorry, this might hurt,” Richie rambled as he got a disinfecting wipe and wiped his hands, and got another one to clean off Eddie’s arms. It did sting, but Eddie was still trying to sort out everything that had been clocked out before and was now working overtime and flooding his brain with too many sensations. His arms fucking burned. “I should’ve taken that fucking health class last year, I’m going to take it next year, I swear to fucking god. Is this what goes next? Antibiotic cream? Burn cream? Feel free to jump in any time and tell me what the fuck to do because I don’t know anything. Fuck it, okay burn cream first. Does burn cream hurt? Okay, antibiotic cream, then what? Wrap next? What am I forgetting? I’m going to wrap them, fuck okay, sorry.”

Eddie flinched when Richie placed gauze pads along his forearms and then wrapped it. Richie rushed out apologies and quickly pinned them in place.

“Okay, that wasn’t so bad, was it? I actually have no clue, but optimism or whatever. What the fuck do I do next? Eddie, can you hear me? Eds, say something.”

Eddie blinked up at him, at a loss for words. His arms hurt, and his throat was sore from vomiting and he had a pounding headache.

“I’m going to call Bill,” Richie said. “When in doubt, call Bill. Wait, fuck he’s in school, fuck, fuck, I’m all out of ideas, that was the only thing I had.”

Richie was still crying; little hitching breaths and he was blinking a lot to clear his eyes. Eddie looked back down at his arms. They were wrapped, and they hadn’t bled through yet, that was good. His skin around the wrap was bright red and burned. Eddie tried to remember if the water was boiling hot, but he couldn’t. He had just wanted to be clean.

“Oh, no, Eddie, no,” Richie said in distress. Eddie realized he was beginning to sob and he sobbed harder. Richie hugged him tightly. “Eddie, baby, no, don’t cry, you’re okay, it’s okay, we’re going to be okay, I promise. Don’t cry, baby, don’t cry.”

Eddie stayed in Richie’s arms as Richie held him close, swaying Eddie slightly and pressing kisses to the side of his head every so often.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie choked out. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, Eds, it’s okay,” Richie soothed. “You’re okay.”

“I didn’t mean to,”

“I know, baby, I know. It’s okay,” Richie ran a hand through his hair and rocked Eddie from side to side. “You’re okay.”

They stayed like that until Eddie was too tired to keep crying. Richie carefully rearranged them, so they were lying down, without letting go of Eddie. He pulled Eddie on his chest and wrapped both arms around him tightly.

“Go to sleep, Eds.” Richie whispered. “We’ll figure it out later, just sleep now. I’m not going anywhere, I promise. Go to sleep, baby, you’re okay now.”

 

Eddie floated back into consciousness when the doorbell rang repeatedly. He felt Richie shift under him, swearing under his breath as he tried to scoot out from under Eddie without waking him up. Eddie mumbled out a questioning noise and Richie immediately stopped moving. He hugged Eddie close and kissed his forehead.

“Go back to sleep, it’s okay,” Richie told him softly. “It’s probably just the other Losers.”

Eddie’s eyes hurt, they were probably swollen to hell, so he didn’t bother opening his eyes. He hummed an affirmative noise.

“I’m going to go let them in before they break a window, okay?” Richie kissed his forehead before gently shifting Eddie off him. Eddie, instantly colder, reached for the blankets with a grumble, pulling them up to his chin. Richie sighed, swooping in again and kissing Eddie’s cheek and then his nose. Eddie smiled faintly, feeling warm at the open affection. “Cute, cute, cute,” Richie murmured before kissing Eddie’s cheek one more time and leaving.

Eddie heard Richie open the front door and the immediate barrage of questions from various voices. Richie shushed them, not being very quiet himself, and closed the door after letting them in.

“Eddie’s sleeping upstairs,” Richie explained. Eddie heard people shuffling about at the bottom of the stairs. “I don’t think he slept last night so keep it fucking quiet.”

“W-what happened?” That was Bill, always the first to demand answers.

“I don’t know! I found him in the bathroom, and he…” Richie’s voice cracked, and Eddie felt guilt flush through him. “I don’t know.” Richie said more quietly.

There was a moment of quiet, except for the sounds of more shuffling and someone, probably Bev, patting Richie’s shoulder.

“I don’t want to go blabbing shit that isn’t mine to tell,” Richie said eventually. “You can ask him yourselves. He’s probably going to wake up soon.”

“Can we go up?” Stan asked, voice significantly quieter and calmer. Richie must have nodded because he heard footsteps on the stairs the next second. Eddie didn’t want to wake up, he wanted to stay asleep forever, but when he recalled the pain in Richie’s voice and how he sobbed earlier, Eddie reluctantly began to sit up. His friends were just worried, but they weren’t like his mother, they wouldn’t push and prod and threaten him into telling them anything.

When they walked in, Eddie was sitting up and trying to rub his eyes open. They were sore and ached, but that didn’t matter when he heard them step in. His eyes flew open and he blinked his friends into focus. Richie immediately walked past them and plopped back into his spot on the bed, always at home in Eddie’s room. The other Losers sat at the foot of the bed, or on the window seat, except Bill who went to Eddie’s other side and drew Eddie into a tight hug. Eddie relaxed into it, hugging him back just as tightly.

Bill pulled back to look him over, eyes stopping on his wrapped arms and widening in horror. “Eddie,” he whispered. “Y-you d-d-didn’t…”

“No!” Eddie quickly reassured him, guessing from his horrified expression he had thought Eddie had tried to kill himself. Eddie didn’t mention how yesterday he wanted to. Bill sagged in relief and Eddie felt ashamed for worrying him so much. Bill was like his brother, and he knew Bill considered him like one too, and Eddie wasn’t cruel enough to take away another brother from Bill. “I didn’t try, I just – I didn’t mean to.”

“W-what d-d-d” Bill frowned in frustration. “F-fuck, why t-then?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie whispered, shrinking back in shame. He hated worrying his friends. He felt lower than shit seeing all their worried expressions. He felt Richie thread his fingers through his and squeeze gently. Eddie squeezed back, holding on so tightly that it must’ve hurt, but Richie didn’t flinch.

“Eddie,” Bev said softly. She was sitting at the foot of the bed and scooted closer to rest a hand on his knee. “What happened?”

Eddie couldn’t meet her sincere gaze, and looked at his free hand in his lap. “I don’t know, I was just out walking last night. And I thought I saw, I thought I saw the leper, but it was so real. He said…” he trailed off. He couldn’t repeat what it said; the words were stuck in his throat. He shook his head, taking a breath before continuing. “It was so real. And when I went back home, I told my mom I felt sick and she let me stay home. Then I was in the bathroom, and everything was dirty, I felt so dirty and I needed to be clean, I was trying to get it off me, but it wouldn’t come off and I didn’t know,” he looked back to Richie, who was already looking at him. “I didn’t mean to.”

“I know, Eds,” Richie assured him softly. He rubbed his thumb over Eddie’s knuckles. “It’s okay.”

Eddie looked away, wiping at his eyes with a sigh.

“Have you been sleeping?” Stan asked. Eddie shrugged. “So, no. Could the leper have been a hallucination? Sleep deprivation can cause that.”

“Maybe,” Eddie admitted.

“You never sleep,” Richie pointed out. “Maybe two or three hours every other day, and that’s only when I’m here. Do you sleep at all when I’m gone?”

Eddie didn’t look up when he shook his head.

“Have you been taking those meds?” Mike asked after a moment.

“What meds?” Ben questioned. Mike looked at Eddie, raising an eyebrow. Eddie wanted to curl away from their stares, he wanted to sink into a hole in the ground and let it eat him whole.

“Eddie?” Richie asked. “What is Mike talking about?”

Eddie sniffed, feeling tears burn at his eyes. He was so tired of crying, he was so tired of being tired. “She won’t let me leave until I take them,” he spoke to the comforter on his lap, refusing to look up. “She checks if I swallow them, so I have to, but I don’t want to, I hate them. I can’t take them, I can’t.”

He was crying again, and Richie wrapped his other hand around Eddie’s, sandwiching his small hand in both of his.

“I can’t take them,” Eddie repeated. “But she’d find a way to make me, and I _can’t_.”

“Oh, Eddie,” Bev whispered.

“So, I throw them back up,” Eddie said, wiping his eyes fruitlessly. “I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t _not_. I won’t take them, I hate them.”

“Eds,” Richie said softly, tugging him back into his arms, where Eddie went easily, tucking his face in his favorite spot, between his shoulder and neck and hiding from his friend’s looks there. “Eddie, there has to be something else. You’re all bones, Eds, it’s not safe.”

“Sonia can’t make him, can she?” Ben asked. “Is this even legal?”

“I doubt it, but like they’d believe a bunch of kids over his mother,” Bev sighed. “How dangerous are these drugs if he has to take them?”

“No,” Eddie moaned out. Richie shushed him, holding him tighter and murmuring quiet, pacifying words.

“I wouldn’t try it,” Mike said. “If you’re not prescribed these, it could lead to addiction, depression, or suicide. And these drugs are untested, and not FDA approved so who knows what else it could do.”

“Eddie’s not taking them,” Bill said firmly. He had one hand on Eddies back, rubbing comforting circles like he used to do during Eddie’s asthma attacks. “There’s no fucking way. But this isn’t safe.”

“Where does she check? Under the tongue? Could we hide them somewhere else?” Stan offered.

“If she found out, I’m dead,” Eddie said between tears. “I don’t want to know what she’d do, not after last time.”

“We have to try something,” Richie told him. “Jesus, Eddie, I can feel your ribs. You can’t keep doing this, you’re going to kill yourself.”

Eddie buried his face more securely in his neck, clutching at Richie’s shirt. “Okay.” He said with a shaky sigh. “We can try.”

“Would she let you out tonight?” Bev asked. “I think we need a movie night.”

“Maybe, if I pass inspection.”

“Movie night at mine, then.” Bill said. His stutter hadn’t come back yet. Bill was always at his most confident when taking care of others, it was just how he was. “We can all pile on the bed and watch shitty comedies.”

“And pizza.” Richie added. “We need pizza and you’re eating one by yourself,” he jostled Eddie to poke his side and Eddie grumbled unhappily. “Also, I want ice cream.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you catch that sick reference in there, feel free to cry in pain with me. I did a ton of research on pharmaceuticals for a research project over the summer and i read some journals and articles to brush up. It really wasn't until 1994 that antidepressants started being regulated and a shit ton were super sketchy before then, Prozac was created in the late 1980s and it really was an all time high for suicide among adolescents around 1990. In this timeline, these kiddos are 14 years old and it is the fall of 1990. also, i've literally spent more time researching for this fic than i've spent on my actual homework what am i doing with my life. Finals Week is coming up in about three weeks so imma try to get a few more chapters out before Death. if you dont hear from me for like two weeks straight, don't worry this story still owns my ass, i'm probably just in a coma somewhere, but your somewhat not really regular posting will be back soon. please pray for me.
> 
> Chapter Title from bellyache by billie eilish


	7. Why do i find it so hard to write the next line? I want the truth to be said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This year, for some reason that he did not think of and definitely did not panic about every year, he was anxious. Said anxiety had nothing to do with the New Year’s tradition of kissing the person you liked, that would be stupid, and Eddie did not even think about it at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i couldnt stop myself, we're getting close to the good stuff and i am so impatient so heres another chapter asdfghjkl sorry.  
> not really any content warning besides internalized homophobia but thats a given have you seen my boy eddie he is so repressed and gay rip

The end of December brought snow, and a somewhat more stable mental health. Eddie didn’t know if he would have been able to drag himself out of whatever mental breakdown, which he Did Not Speak Of, that was without his friends. Bev taught him how to hide his meds between his top back molars and his cheek, so he didn’t have to throw them up anymore. She also began to teach him sleight of hand, where he could make it seem like he took his meds without it ever touching his mouth. He was a bit clumsy at it first, but he practiced with quarters and dimes and pennies. Richie was delighted by it, and was always ready to help Eddie practice. Stan meticulously prepared Eddie well balanced lunches, since it turned out that throwing up breakfast and dinner, and only eating shitty cafeteria food for lunch was not good for your body. Eddie’s stomach was not happy with him at first; he had gotten so used to vomiting everything, that he felt weighed down and nauseous with too much food, which would make him want to vomit. Ben and Mike had researched – well honestly Eddie didn’t know how they researched what to do, or where they found this information, but he learned not to question it – nutrition facts and stuff like that to find out how to ease Eddie back into regular eating. Stan followed their instructions religiously and always made sure that Eddie had breakfast, lunch and dinner, and snacks in between. Bill asked his mom about home remedies to help sleep, and gave Eddie chamomile tea, which Eddie made every night before bed. Richie, of course, declared it disgusting, but diligently made sure Eddie drank it all anyway. Richie was rarely at his house to sleep anymore, and Eddie fell asleep every night wrapped up safe in his best friend’s arms

Eddie began to put on weight, and gained a healthy color to his skin again. His mother noticed this, along with his increased appetite and energy, and allowed him to spend most afternoons and weekends with his friends. Eddie still pretended with her, but it was easier to look her in the face and not feel the sting of betrayal. As far as Eddie was concerned, he could never trust his mother again and he owed her nothing.

The Losers were hardly ever apart, and Eddie felt lighter most days knowing his friends all loved him so much. They didn’t bring up that day, talking about it made Eddie want to hide away in the bathroom forever, but they all had different ways of checking up on him. Stan was the most obvious, he straight out asked Eddie what he had for breakfast, forced healthy snacks in his hands during nutrition break and after school, and called after dinner to check if he ate. Bill wasn’t shy about hugging Eddie and asking how his day was, and how he was feeling. Eddie still felt bad for worrying Bill so much, Bill already had suffered so much with Georgie that Eddie didn’t want to burden him. Mike always seemed to know when Eddie was feeling distant and unattached to his body and invited Eddie over to his farm to play with the dogs. Eddie really loved those dogs, Hudson and Shirley never failed to make him smile. Ben joined Eddie sometimes on his morning runs, and Eddie was pleasantly surprised by his company. He liked when Ben came out to jog with him. They didn’t have to talk, and could run comfortably in silence with the morning sun. It was surprisingly peaceful and comforting to have him there. Bev always invited Eddie over to her apartment, or to the Aladdin and let Eddie rest his head on her shoulder and talk about whatever was on his mind, or distracted him with her flourishingly clothes designing and sewing skills. Eddie liked to watch her draw out outfits and meticulously stitch colorful patches on her jeans or mend tears in old clothes.

Richie, of course, was a constant in Eddie’s life. Eddie didn’t worry about being a burden to Richie, because it was Richie who was openly affectionate and loving and honestly probably knew more about Eddie than Eddie did about himself. He didn’t push Eddie, he was just always there for Eddie to lean on, always there to offer a hug or crack dumb jokes to make Eddie smile. On the days when it was too overwhelming to get out of bed, he curled up in bed with him and quietly let Eddie cling to him. On the days when every sound was an explosion in Eddie’s mind and he couldn’t breathe, Richie was there with a soft, calm voice and warm, steady hands. Eddie felt safe and able to stand on his own two feet confidently for maybe the first time in his life.

Of course, there was the Issue that Eddie Did Not Talk About, thank you very much. It was difficult to ignore, seeing as it was partly responsible for his mental breakdown, but fuck if Eddie didn’t try to. It didn’t fucking work, but Eddie was determined, okay? He just had trouble ignoring it when his guy friends talked about cute girls and he couldn’t relate, or when Richie held his hand and Eddie felt his face flush, or when he woke up to Richie’s stupid cute messy hair and his stupid cute face.

But he was handling it.

He furiously smothered the butterflies in his stomach when Richie kissed his cheek and called him “cute, cute, cute!”, he did not fucking stare at his friend when he wasn’t looking, and he absolutely did not acknowledge the fact that he maybe, sort of definitely had a crush on his best friend, Trashmouth Tozier.

God, Eddie was fucked.

 

 

Richie thought the scariest day of his life had passed already, in the sewers with a fucking demented clown, but wow was he fucking wrong about that shit. He had never been more terrified than he was seeing Eddie digging his fingers in his own arms and ripping his skin off with a blank expression. Richie first thought It was fucking with him, but he knew It wasn’t, he knew this was real and Eddie, his Eds, was tearing his own skin off with his small, bloody fingernails. If he was honest, he didn’t remember what he said when he was talking to Eddie then, all he remembered was the overwhelming horror and panic and terror. All he remembered was trying to get the bleeding to stop, and Eddie’s too light body, and the way Eddie’s eyes were so devoid of life it was almost like how Bev was back in the sewer. He remembered how those eyes slowly started to focus, how Eddie asked in a slightly confused voice, “Rich?” and how his eyes filled with tears when he looked down at his arms and the horrible sound of his sobs. When Eddie passed out, Richie had cried and held Eddie close to him, feeling horrified and guilty and ashamed for not seeing how much Eddie was hurting, and feeling how Eddie’s bones pressed into his skin too easily and how cold and sick his Eds looked.

Richie didn’t think he’d ever forget those details, he was positive they would be etched in his memory for the rest of his fucking life.

After the Losers had come over, and Eddie had sobbed through his explanation, they went to Bill’s house where Richie didn’t let go of Eddie for more than a minute. They all piled onto Bill’s bed with Eddie in the middle and Richie stayed up all night looking at Eddie’s pale face and swearing to himself that he would never let Eddie feel this alone or afraid in his life again. The next day, Richie didn’t want to leave Eddie at all, but Sonia would rather die than let Richie in the house, and she was doubtlessly going to hover over Eddie when she saw his bandages, so he’d never be able to sneak in. He walked home in a daze, still shocked and processing when he walked through his front door.

His mother, who was in the kitchen, came out to find him standing idly just inside the front door. She frowned and asked if everything was all right, and Richie couldn’t stop himself from bursting into tears. His mom rushed over, sweeping him into a hug and petting his hair soothingly like she had when he was a kid. She sat him down on the couch when he let go and he told her about finding Eddie yesterday through his sobs. His mom wasn’t the first-person Richie would choose to talk to, but he was exhausted and confused and so fucking scared that he couldn’t shut up if he tried.

“Oh, that poor boy, I cannot believe Sonia is doing this, I should give her a piece of my mind- “

“No!” Richie had shouted, sitting upright, and looking at his mom pleadingly. “You can’t, she can’t find out he hasn’t been taking them, or she’ll make him, and it’ll get worse for Eddie, and it can’t you didn’t see him, he’s so skinny, he’s not safe, you can’t mom please.”

“Okay, okay,” his mother consoled. “I won’t, I promise. But, sweetheart, something has to be done.”

“We’ll figure it out, just don’t tell his mom, she’ll move him away and I’ll never see him again.” Richie was close to crying again at that thought. He was a fucking wreck.

“Alright, don’t worry, I won’t.” His mom hugged him again and sighed. “You tell Eddie that he is always welcome in this house, okay? No questions asked, he can come over whenever he wants for however long he likes.”

“Okay,” Richie mumbled into her shoulder. He was hit with the realization that his mom really wasn’t so bad, and maybe Richie had been unfair in judging her. She loved him, and she would protect him without a doubt if he needed it. That was a lot more than some parents did for their kids. “Thanks mom.”

“Don’t thank me, honey. I love you, you’re my sweet boy. I know we’re not close, and I think that’s my fault, but never forget that, sweetheart. I’m afraid I’m not best with words, it’s no surprise that you got that from me, and I’m sorry for that.”

Richie sniffed back tears and nodded. “I love you too.”

His mother offered to call Sonia and invite her out for lunch if Eddie ever needed a break and she told Richie he was a good friend and to never change. Since then, Richie and his mother got along a lot better. He still didn’t see his father a lot, but his mom must’ve told him he had a tough day because that night when Richie was drifting to sleep, he heard his door creak open and a familiar sigh from his father. There was a moment of quiet before his dad walked to his bedside, brushed Richie’s hair out of his face gently and said, “Goodnight, son”.

It was easier sneaking into Ed’s house now, as he didn’t have to lie to his mom about his whereabouts. He’d stop by her room and leave a note if she wasn’t home yet that he’d be at Eddie’s for the night and when she was home, she’d smile and tell him to say hello to Eddie for her. He had left a note last night, as she was out with Stan’s mom and the rest of the ladies from the synagogue, and he woke up now before Eddie. That was rare on school days, but on weekends or on break like now, Eddie always slept in. Eddie detested waking up early, he was usually grumbly and sleepy until at least an hour had passed, and Richie thought it was adorable. The only days he woke up early without too much complaint was when he went running, but even then, he’d slump back into bed as soon as he could and soak in the sun from the window like a cat. It really was an honest to god miracle that Richie’s heart hadn’t stopped yet from being overloaded by Eddie’s cuteness, he thought sometimes.

Eddie was curled halfway on top of Richie, shamelessly using him as a human space heater since Eddie was always cold if it wasn’t blistering hot outside. His face was tucked into Richie’s neck, his nose just brushing against the underside of Richie’s jaw. He had a fist curled in Richie’s t-shirt, as if to make sure Richie wasn’t going anywhere, which, why the hell would Richie want to?

Richie squinted over to Eddie’s alarm clock and saw it was a little after nine in the morning. He yawned and idly played with Eddie’s hair until Eddie made a small humming sound, rousing slightly. Eddie huffed out a breath, warming Richie’s neck, and Richie knew he was awake.

“Morning Eds,”

“Hmph,” Eddie grumbled incoherently. Richie smiled fondly, running his fingers through Eddie’s hair to watch him sink back into placidity. He enjoyed the morning peacefulness, the comfortable quiet and calm that Richie rarely felt with anyone else.

“What’s the time?” Eddie mumbled, but he was still half asleep, so it ended up sounding like “Whazza time?”

“Nine something,” Richie guessed. “Too early for your highness?”

“Fuck off,”

 

 

Since it was winter break, Eddie’s mom reluctantly let him sleepover more than once a week, and sometimes if there was enough snow he wouldn’t be able to walk home. Those days were the best, when he got to have snowball fights in Bill’s front yard with the other Losers and build snow forts and snowmen before coming inside where Bill’s mom would make them hot chocolate with little marshmallows and whipped cream. They always gave some of their marshmallows to add to Beverly’s cup, grinning when she rolled her eyes at the stupid pun, but she always ate them all anyway. They couldn’t bike in the snow, but they trudged up the small hill behind Bill’s house and sled down instead. Movie nights became almost daily, the only time they were apart for long periods at a time was when Ben spent the holidays with his grandparents in Texas, and most of their parents wanted them at home for their respected holidays. Stan and Richie were busy at the synagogue, both of their parents heavily involved in celebrating Hanukkah, and Richie went to his father’s grandparents on Christmas Day to celebrate Christmas. Eddie had to go visit his aunts with his mother, which he loathed, but Richie came over that night to give him a present, so it wasn’t all bad.

Eddie always loved winter break the best, it used to be summer but well that obviously changed for certain reasons, even though the cold could kiss his fucking ass, and he dreaded going back to school. School was awful and shitty, and Eddie really couldn’t wait to leave this goddamn town.

On New Year’s Eve, they went to Bill’s house. His parents were out at a work party, which sounded horrible, so they had the house to themselves. This year, for some reason that he did not think of and definitely did not panic about every year, he was anxious. Said anxiety had nothing to do with the New Year’s tradition of kissing the person you liked, that would be stupid, and Eddie did not even think about it at all.

Eddie was totally panicking, what the fuck, this was the first time he let himself think about kissing someone he actually liked that was not a girl and also happened to be his best friend. He shouldn’t think of his friend like this, but it was so hard when Richie smiled at him and all Eddie wanted to do was kiss his stupid fucking face. Maybe, if he was lucky, he’d panic himself into blacking out and could just be happily unconscious and live in blissful obliviousness for a few minutes.

God, Eddie really was not mentally stable enough to think about this. He had only been avoiding it for his entire fucking life. He suddenly, and not for the first time in his life, wished he was old enough to drink himself into a coma. He really needed better coping skills, Jesus Christ.

He arrived early at Bill’s house with Richie, because when was he not with Richie honestly, and immediately made a beeline for Bill. He was in the kitchen, pulling out snacks from the cupboards and Stan was in the living room, going through the movies the Losers had agreed to rent at the video store. Eddie saw Richie plop down next to Stan, immediately snatching the movies away to look through.

Bill looked up from the snacks and cracked a grin at Eddie. “Hey Eddie,”

“Hi Bill, need any help?”

“There’s s-some soda in the f-fridge,” Bill gestured towards it as he turned back to the cupboards. “I could’ve sworn w-we had c-cookies, b-but I can’t find t-them.”

“I think Bev said she’d bring over her aunt’s cookies,” Eddie got out the cans of coke and sprite and placed them on the table. “And Mike is bringing his grandma’s apple pie.”

“T-thank god, I love her apple p-pie.” Bill said enthusiastically, idly rearranging the snacks in order of bag size. Eddie lined up the cans up, making sure the label was facing outwards. “How’s it g-going, Eddie?”

“Okay, I guess,” Eddie muttered, feeling his face flush as he thought about his very not okay urges. Bill glanced up at him, frowning and even Eddie could tell how dejected he sounded.

“Are you s-sure?” Bill asked. He had stopped moving the snacks, and all his focus was on Eddie now. Eddie hated how his sincere eyes always made him want to spill his guts. Eddie shrugged. “Eddie,” Bill said, and oh no, it was his I Am Disappointed in You voice, and Eddie wanted to disappear.

“I’ve been eating and sleeping,” Eddie reassured him, looking down at his hands fidgeting with the cans of soda. He hated Bill’s disappointed face.

“B-but?” Bill prompted after Eddie trailed off.

Eddie shrugged again, “I don’t know, I’m just anxious is all.”

“Uh-huh,” Bill did not sound convinced. “About what?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie sighed, dropping his hands onto the table and sneaking a glance at Bill who raised an eyebrow. “Do you ever think that maybe we deserved what happened to us, that maybe no one else could stop It because we were being punished?”

Bill blinked at him, his eyes wide in surprise and concern. “N-no, not r-really.”

“Oh,” Eddie said lamely.

“Why do you t-think that?” he asked.

“I just do,” Eddie mumbled, looking down again. “I guess I figured there must have been some reason why we had to deal with that, something we did maybe.”

“Eddie,” Bill said softly. Eddie looked up at his concerned face, already regretting saying anything, but Bill didn’t look upset. He just looked slightly fond and worried. “Sometimes, t-there’s no r-reason why stuff happens. Georgie didn’t d-deserve to die, he hadn’t d-done a single b-bad thing in his life. Stuff happens that w-we c-can’t control.”

“God, sorry, Bill, I didn’t mean to imply that Georgie deserved that, I would never think that.”

“It’s okay, I know what you m-meant,” Bill shook his head in dismissal. “I think w-we all t-tried to g-grasp onto some reason to m-make it all make sense, but we didn’t do anything wrong, we didn’t d-deserve to go through that, honestly I w-wouldn’t wish that on my w-worst enemy.”

Eddie nodded, still feeling sick with guilt at bringing up Georgie.

“Why w-were you t-thinking about this? D-did you feel like you did s-something w-wrong?”

He flinched, silently cursing Bill’s ability to pin down Eddie’s insecurities. He shrugged again, trying to shrink into himself.

“You can tell me anything, Eddie, you know that, right?” Bill waited for Eddie to nod before continuing. “So, you know I wouldn’t judge you f-for anything, r-right?”

Eddie felt his eyes burn and sniffled, hating himself for crying. He hated how easily he cried these days. Bill was quiet, letting Eddie calm himself down and went back to shuffling around the snacks. Eddie cleared his throat softly, “I think there’s something wrong with me.”

“What d-do you mean?”

“I’m not right,” Eddie whispered. “I’m wrong, and dirty and gross and I hate it.”

Bill didn’t speak for a moment, Eddie knew he was gathering his words carefully like he always did when he was trying to be serious. “I don’t know why you would think that, but you’re not sick, Eddie. You’re you, and nothing about you is w-wrong or d-dirty. Your mom is w-wrong about you. You’re the b-bravest of us all, and you’re not weak or frail. You’re a good person, Eddie.”

Eddie blinked and felt tears escape his eyes. He didn’t look up, knowing if he did he’d start sobbing, and Richie would hear him and come running.

“You d-don’t understand,” Eddie said in a shaky voice. “There’s something I know is wrong, something that everybody says is wrong and I tried to make it go away, but it didn’t work.”

“People are stupid,” Bill declared. “And they sure as hell d-don’t define who you are.”

Eddie tried to take a deep breath, tried to calm down enough to speak without crying. He knew Bill was right, that he didn’t listen to people who said Mike was less of a person because of his skin color, who said that Stan wasn’t right for being Jewish, but he was so _scared_. He didn’t want to be different, he didn’t want people to stare at him in disgust, he didn’t want to see the look on his mother’s face if she ever found out her son was a disgusting monster.

“I don’t want you to hate me,”

“I could never hate you,” Bill promised. “Eddie, you’re my b-brother. If there’s anything that summer taught me is that none of that superficial shit matters. I wouldn’t change any of you for the world.”

Eddie closed his eyes, trying to steel himself for Bill’s anger and disappointment just in case. It was easy to say stuff, to promise things, but it was always harder when faced with things head on, with no words to hide behind and the only thing that mattered was action.

“I think I like someone I’m not supposed to,” Eddie whispered. “I can’t – don’t make me say the word.”

The silence was worse than anger, Eddie thought as Bill said nothing. Eddie was two seconds away from sprinting out the room and bolting through the window, fully prepared to take on another life as an isolated sheep herder in fucking Iceland or something, when Bill spoke up.

“If I told you that I liked guys, would you hate me? Would you throw me out of your life?”

“What?” Eddie looked up in surprise. “Of course not!” Bill raised a pointed eyebrow at him and Eddie’s eyes widened, “Oh.”

“I don’t hate you,” Bill told him. “You’re still my brother.”

Eddie had to hug Bill at that, or he’d break down in tears, and Bill hugged him back, resting his chin on top of Eddie’s head.

“Thanks Bill,”

“Thanks for t-telling me, Eddie.”

They pulled apart when they could hear Richie’s voice gradually get louder as he walked over. He and Stan came into the kitchen just as the door rang and he immediately spun around, yelling “I got it!” as he ran to let the rest of the Losers in. Stan rolled his eyes and sat at the table, gaze sweeping over the organized food and cans of soda as his hands automatically strayed towards them to order them. He looked up at them with a grateful smile and Bill beamed back.

“My boys!” Bev cheered as she came into the room, Richie practically bouncing at her side in excitement. “I brought weed!”

“Beverly!” Stan scolded.

She grinned at them, pulling a joint from her pocket and waving it around. “Come on, we’re going to be fifteen this year, that’s old enough to smoke. I smoke cigarettes, this’ll be a breeze.”

Richie looked at Bill with wide puppy eyes and Eddie smothered a laugh when Bill sighed, looking upwards in exasperation.

“Fine, b-but only in the backyard!” Bill said over Bev and Richie's excited shouts. “If the house s-stinks, I’m g-grounded for sure.”

“Don’t worry, Eds, I’ll smoke enough for the both of us, because I know you won’t, but if you change your mind I have your inhaler.” Richie spoke quickly.

“No, you won’t! You can’t smoke too much on your first time, you’re going to have a heart attack and die.” Eddie protested, but Richie was already running away, cackling as the doorbell rang again.

 

 

When they turned on the news and watched the New Years countdown, the Losers were mostly sober. Richie, of course, had smoked enough for two people and his blown-out eyes and awe filled look did _not_ give Eddie butterflies and especially didn’t make his chest feel warm with fondness. Richie and Bev were giggling most of the night, and eventually all the other Losers but Eddie had passed the joint around. Weed smelled horrible, and the smoke irritated Eddie’s throat, but it made his friends relaxed and giggly, so it wasn’t too bad.

Eddie was sitting next to Richie with Bill on his other side. Richie was leaning over the armrest to talk with Bev, who was sitting on the armchair to the left, and Eddie let himself look, just for a second. He wondered what it would feel like, to let himself love and be loved by someone. He wondered how it would feel like to hold a boy’s hand in public, to kiss them and not feel ashamed. His heart clenched in longing, as he looked at Richie, at his flushed face and wide grin and bright eyes.

When it officially was the New Year, Richie threw an arm over Eddie’s shoulders like he always did and kissed his cheek before throwing himself on Stan, laughing when Stan made a face and tried to wriggle away. Eddie’s cheek burned where he kissed him, and he let himself imagine kissing Richie, just once, before he pushed the thought away and got up to hug the rest of the Losers. He couldn’t even say the words to himself, and he sure as hell couldn’t say it out loud, but he thought maybe this year would be different. Maybe he’d be able to say it, maybe he’d feel okay with it sometime this year. He didn’t want to hide forever, not from his friends who loved him more than anything, and not from himself. He wasn’t sure of much anymore, but he knew that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it's poorly edited i only had time to read through it a couple times. also, i went back over some of the chapters and edited them and also added small details. nothing major, but stuff that bugged the fuck out of me and i just needed to fix it.
> 
> Chapter title from True by Spandau Ballet


	8. I got to be your friend now, baby and I'd like to move in just a little bit closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie wasn’t saying that he hated everything and wanted to die, but he hated everything and wanted to die.
> 
>  
> 
> or, Richie plans the Move and Stan is plotting murder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's been a lot of Eddie and Richie perspective lately, and i missed my other children so we gonna catch up with them this chapter. Your comments warm my cold, bitter heart and fuel my ability to write i would die for all of you. Take this fluff and boys being dumb and in love as my thanks
> 
> no content warnings

Richie wasn’t saying that he hated everything and wanted to die, but he hated everything and wanted to die. Not seriously, but maybe he could just fade out of existence for a day and then pop back like nothing happened. He was losing his fucking mind.

“But Bev,” he exclaimed, throwing his hands up in agitation. He was lying on her couch, his legs hanging over the armrest, so Bev had room to sit on the end and sew. She was concentrating on Richie’s denim jacket, her tongue pressed between her lips, as she carefully sewed on patches. Richie loved Bev’s jeans, she added a bunch of patches or ripped holes in them and they were a beautiful mess. Richie demanded she make him something immediately. Bev was glad to, and Richie bought a new denim jacket for her to work on. It was big on him, seeing as Richie had yet to stop growing and he wanted to wear this jacket forever. “How am I supposed to live when I’m being attacked like this?”

“You’re not being attacked,” Bev replied with an eyeroll.

“Yes, I am, I’m in hell.”

“You’re Jewish,”

“ _Half_ Jewish, and what does that have to do with anything, I’m still suffering.”

“Jesus, you’re such a drama queen,” Bev sighed. “Eddie is not trying to kill you.”

“That is a lie,” Richie protested vehemently. “Have you seen him? Beverly, I don’t stand a chance, oh my god. Don’t get me wrong, he’ll always be my best friend first and I’d do anything for him, but holy shit I have never showed so much self-restraint in my life.”

“That’s not a surprise.”

“There is no need for insults, Marsh, I am already in pain. I have to wake up to his perfect face every morning and not kiss it, that’s practically fucking impossible, how am I alive?” Richie reached over for a cigarette, lighting it, and taking a puff. He sighed, smoke billowing from his mouth. “And his smile and his laugh, I love that he smiles more now, but it’s also the worst thing to ever happen to me. How am I supposed to act normal around him if he keeps doing cute shit like that?”

“You haven’t acted normal a day in your life, Tozier.”

“Bev, please, you’re adding insult to injury here.”

“Oh, please.” Bev laughed. “Richie, how long have you been pining after him? The only way that’s going to change anytime soon is if you do something, you idiot.”

“No, no thanks, not going to happen.”

“Well, then have fun suffering.”

“Bev!” Richie whined. “I can’t tell him, what if he hates me or what if everything goes horribly wrong and he never wants to talk to me again?”

“That’s literally never going to happen- “

“It could though! And then what am I going to do?” Richie waved his arms while speaking, stopping only when ash from his cigarette dropped onto his face. He shook his head, barely skipping a beat, “I’m dying here, Bev, he’s so adorable, how does he do it? And ugh, don’t get me started on his cute little blush. He blushes _all the time_.”

“He’s always blushing because you never stop flirting with him. Honestly, Richie, subtlety is not your strong suit.”

“But he never flirts back! See, how the fuck am I supposed to tell him shit when he doesn’t even do that?”

“Christ, he’s just as oblivious as you are,” Beverly muttered. “You flirt with everyone, he probably doesn’t think you’re serious.”

Richie pouted, taking another drag. “I don’t want to date anyone else but Eddie.”

“I know that, Stan knows that, but that’s not going to happen if you sit here complaining and don’t do shit.”

Richie sat up and shuffled over to Bev, slumping down so his head rested on her shoulder. She held out her hand for the cigarette which he handed to her. She was done with two band patches already, and was working on some flowers on the pocket.

“I don’t know what to do,” Richie said quietly, growing serious for once. “I want him to be happy, but I want to be happy with him too. I don’t know if he even likes boys, let alone me, and I’m no good with words, what if I just fuck it up?”

“Richie,” Bev said, shifting so Richie had to lift his head and look at her. She reached over and clasped his hand in hers. “Eddie loves you, he’s happy with you. I really can’t see anything bad happening, you both are a couple of love struck fools.”

“Do you really think he could like me like that?”

“I think he already does.” Bev smiled at him fondly, “You’ve got nothing to lose here, because no matter what, you guys are best friends first, right? And you’re always going to be.”

Richie studied her face, but Bev was nothing but sincere. He smiled at her, “Thanks Bev,”

She rolled her eyes, tousling his hair with her free hand before taking another drag and passing the cig. She picked up her needle and thread again and resumed stitching. “You boys would be lost without me.”

 

 

Richie needed a game plan. He never really came up with plans, he was too spontaneous and impatient for that shit, but this was Eddie, who deserved something amazing and thoughtful. Richie was unsure about how to go about it though, and neither Bev or Stan were of any help. They told him repeatedly to just go for it, but that was literally the worst thing that Richie could do, so he ignored them. He didn’t want to just go for it, because Eddie was barely starting to get better; he slept, ate, and laughed more. Richie didn’t want to jeopardize that so soon, he wasn’t that selfish.

He didn’t know when the right time to bring it up was. It was only March, and Eddie had broken down around the end of October, was that too soon? Eddie really needed to focus on himself right now, Richie wanted him to be happy above anything else, so he didn’t want to spring this on him. But god, did Richie want to tell him. Every time he saw Eddie smile, or saw him laugh at one of his dumb jokes, he could barely contain the love from bursting up in his chest. He wanted to tell Eddie he loved him, had loved him since the first grade, but he never did. He watched Eddie with fondness, curled around him at night, kissed his cheek and called him cute, but Eddie never caught on and Richie never pushed. He prayed to whatever fucking higher power was up there (although if there was one they were probably a sick fuck to create It and have them face It, so they probably wouldn’t listen to him anyway) that Eddie would show him a sign, give him some kind of proof of his feelings. It would still be scary, but at least Richie wouldn’t be so nervous about it.

He spent a lot of time with Eddie, which was amazing of course, but it was slowly killing him watching Eddie just exist, being happy and cute, right in front of him. He almost wanted to pull away, distant himself from Eddie until he could contain himself, but he remembered what happened last time he dropped off the map without telling Eddie anything and he was not fucking doing that again. So, instead he suffered in silence, complained loudly to Stan and Bev, and tried to think up a plan.

He still had nothing, a whole two weeks later. He and Eddie were sitting in the school library during study hall, and while Eddie was diligently doing his homework, Richie was looking at his best friend. Eddie had the cutest concentrating face, his nose scrunched up when he was trying to figure out some problem, and his eyebrows furrowed when he read from his textbook.

God, Richie was so gay.

At least, he thought so. He still liked girls, he thought they were pretty and he’d date one, sure. But why would he when he had Eddie to pine after? Bev said he could be bisexual, but Richie didn’t really care what label he put on it. All he cared about was that he was in love with his best friend and Eddie was the cutest thing to ever grace this planet, probably the whole universe.

“Richie!” he was rudely yanked back to attention when a hand waved in front of his face. Eddie was frowning at him, clearly this was not the first time he had called Richie’s name.

“What?” Richie said, blinking his dry eyes. He must have drifted off in his head again, no surprise there.

“What world did you go off to? We’re supposed to be studying.”

Richie rolled his eyes, his hand propping up his head lazily. “When have I ever studied?”

Eddie glared at him. It was like being glared at it by an angry puppy. He was so whipped. “You should. You need to learn how to study so it isn’t so hard in college, which is hell incarnate apparently.”

“I thought that was high school.”

Eddie snorted. “High school is hell because everyone is an asshole, but in college the work load is worse than death. Haven’t you been listening to our teachers? They talk about it all the time.”

“Ew, no that’s gross.” Richie wrinkled his nose in disgust. Eddie sighed, going back to writing his notes. Richie glanced over to the clock and groaned. They still had fifteen minutes. Eddie, without looking up, kicked Richie’s shin. “Hey!”

“Shut up, Richie.”

 

 

Beverly was laying on her bed, browsing through a fashion magazine when the phone rang. She sat up and reached over to the phone on her nightstand that her aunt had allowed her to install. It was nice, to be able to pick up the phone whenever she felt down to call one of her friends.

“Hello?” she answered.

“I’m going to murder Richie.”

She snorted out a laugh, “Well hello to you too Stan.”

“There’s no time for greetings, if I have to hear Richie wax sonnets about Eddie’s eyes one more time, I’m going to murder him.” Stan said mulishly.

“Tell me about it,” she sighed. This was not the first time they had called each other to discuss Richie’s crush on their friend. Stan wanted to leave them to figure it out themselves at first, but as the weeks wore on and Richie did not shut up, he grew impatient. “He was just here yesterday.”

“We need a plan,” he said. “Usually, I’d ask Bill for a plan, but I’m not that desperate yet.”

“Wow, I’m really feeling the love.”

“Oh, shut up, you know what I mean.” She did; they weren’t about to go blabbing about Richie’s crush to the rest of the group, it wasn’t their secret to tell. But it would be a lot easier to figure out what to do if they could get the other’s opinions on it. “This is serious, I’m going to end up in jail.”

“Only if they find the body.” She joked back. Last year, or hell, even this past summer, she wouldn’t dare to joke about death or dead bodies or anything that could bring up memories of It, but they were better now. Stan had been perhaps the worst one after the sewer, and any mention of It would make him clam up, but Bill and Ben called her throughout the first year when they could and updated her on all the Losers, so she knew Stan was a lot better. It was only around the anniversary that Stan had taken a couple steps back, but now he was comfortable enough to not flinch at any mention of bodies or death.

Stan huffed out a sigh, “I don’t think Richie is going to do anything any time soon,” he admitted. “And watching him pine is getting depressing.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Bev agreed. Richie and Eddie were both oblivious idiots. Richie looked at Eddie like he hung the moon while Eddie looked at him the same way, it was sickeningly sweet. “He’s scared, is all. I don’t blame him.”

“I just want him to stop moping about it. He deserves to be happy too,”

“Aww, Stan, you big softie.”

“Shut up,” Stan retorted. “No one will believe you if you tell them.”

“Don’t worry, your secrets safe with me.” She grinned as she fiddled with the phone cord. “Maybe we should just lock them in a bathroom or something, make them talk about it.”

“No use, Richie can pick locks.”

She flopped onto her back and sighed. “I don’t know, it’s just something they got to face by themselves. We shouldn’t meddle.”

“I know, I’m just sick of hearing Richie whine.” Stan said irritably. “They’re both fucking idiots, it’s so obvious they both love each other. It is physically nauseating to watch them be so stupid.”

“You’re not wrong there,” she said. “Okay, how about this; by summer, if they still haven’t gotten together, we’ll make a plan. I’m sure by then one of the other Losers will have found out, maybe they’ll have some ideas.”

“Alright, fine, but I’m not happy about it.”

“Are you ever?”

“I’m hanging up now.”

 

 

Bill liked to think that he was a good friend, and he was worthy of trust, but it was really hard to feel like one when Eddie kept ignoring him. He knew Eddie wasn’t doing it intentionally, and that it wasn’t because of Bill, but rather what Bill knew. Whenever they talked at school, Eddie was twitchy and wouldn’t look him in the eyes. Bill was confused at first, because he thought he made it clear that he didn’t think any less of Eddie for being gay, even if Eddie didn’t say it out-loud. After school, Eddie stuck close to Richie’s side and Bill couldn’t confront him there. He knew the second Eddie got that panicked look on his face, Richie would be between them in a flash. Richie wouldn’t know why they were fighting, or really care, he would still lead Eddie away if Eddie asked and only then would he ask Eddie what that was about. Bill knew Eddie would rather die than have Richie start asking why he was avoiding Bill, and Bill wouldn’t do that to Eddie.

Even if Eddie was being a brat.

Bill finally cornered Eddie when he showed up at his house. Usually, the Losers rarely went to Eddie’s house since his mom had tightened her reins on Eddie, but this was an emergency. Besides, adults tended to trust him more than the other Losers. Out of all of them, it was more likely that she would allow him inside. He gave her his most sincere “I am a good child you can trust me” smile and politely asked if he could speak with Eddie. She narrowed her eyes at first, but let him make his way to Eddie’s room. When he opened the door, Eddie was sitting at his desk, doing homework. He looked up when he heard Bill and his eyes widened in surprise. Bill closed the door behind him and smiled.

“Hey Eddie,”

“Hi,” Eddie squeaked out, his eyes darting around the room as if he was planning an escape.

“I j-just wanted to s-say something,” he said, “And t-then I’ll g-go if you w-want.”

Eddie still looked uneasy, but he nodded.

“You know I still love you, r-right? N-nothing’s changed.” Bill said. Eddie looked away, looking guilty. “I don’t t-think any d-different of you.”

Eddie shifted uncomfortably, looking at his hands. “I know.”

“T-then why are you avoiding me?”

“I didn’t mean to,” Eddie assured him, looking back up at him with earnest eyes. “I was just scared I guess. You’re the only one that knows. It makes it feel real, it’s not just in my head now.”

Bill decided it was probably safe now to sit at the foot of the bed, “Are you okay w-with t-that?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, and I don’t regret telling you or anything like that. I’m just scared of dealing with it.”

“You d-don’t have to d-deal with it alone,” he reminded him gently. “Can I t-take a g-guess here and s-say t-that you like someone n-now and t-that's why you told me?”

Eddie stiffened, but eventually nodded.

“And t-this person is a b-boy, s-someone we b-both know.” Bill continued. Eddie didn’t move. “S-so, R-Richie, huh?”

Eddie met his eyes nervously, not saying anything. Bill only smiled in return, shaking his head fondly.

“Eddie, R-Richie has b-been in l-love with you f-forever.”

Eddie went bright red, and his eyes widened. “What? No!”

“He is the l-least s-subtle p-person I know.” Bill rolled his eyes. “I’d n-never say anything if I d-didn’t know you like him b-back, b-but you do.”

Eddie still looked at him as if Bill had grown a second head, a mixture of horror and bewilderment. “He likes me? Like, the same way I like him?”

“D-duh,” Bill grinned. “I know you’re s-scared, b-but you’ve g-got nothing to be s-scared of. The r-rest of the Losers wouldn’t care, and t-there’s no w-way Richie c-could ever hate you. He’d p-probably die of happiness on the s-spot.”

“I don’t think I’m ready to tell anyone else,” Eddie said hesitantly.

“T-that’s okay, I d-don’t expect you t-too, b-but when you w-want to, remember t-that, okay?” Eddie nodded. “B-but if you d-did want to t-tell Richie, I know t-that he’d be so happy. You g-guys are good f-for each other.”

Eddie blushed again, searching Bill’s face for any sign of a lie, but Bill really did think Richie and Eddie would be great together. They already bickered like an old married couple, and flirted all of the time. It was obvious to anyone with eyes, or ears actually since Richie did not shut up, that Richie adored Eddie. And Eddie, although he hid it better, was just as in love.

“You really think so?” Eddie asked. “He wouldn’t be mad?”

“You could kill s-someone, and Richie would s-still love you,” Bill reassured him. “Richie could never b-be mad at you.”

Eddie smiled a little and for a second Bill saw what could be, saw Eddie’s face glow with happiness, saw a life filled with endless smiles and love for Eddie and Richie, and he hoped his friends would be brave enough to reach for that future.

 

 

Mike didn’t know why that day in the library bugged him so much. He couldn’t stop thinking about. He constantly wondered if he heard the voice, or if his mind was playing tricks on him. And if it was a voice, who was it, and what the hell did they mean? And he was so sure he hadn’t placed a turtle on that shelf, but why would it pop up there, what was the point? He felt like he was trying to solve a puzzle, but he couldn’t find all the missing pieces, and without them he had no clue how to go about connecting anything together.

His first instinct was to research, but where would he even start? He didn’t want to tell anyone, they’d think he was crazy, and he didn’t want to tell the other Losers yet either. He had nothing concrete, he didn’t want to worry them over nothing so soon after worrying over Eddie. So, he was alone in this, at least for now. He started looking through old records and newspapers for any odd occurrences, but he had already viewed over most of them with Ben and they mostly were due to It. There wasn’t much sign of anything else. He tried to think of a way a turtle could somehow be connected to It, but the idea seemed ridiculous. Nothing was making sense and Mike was frustrated.

Most books said that turtles symbolized endurance, and the continuation of life against incredible odds. Some books also stated that a turtle tattoo was a mark of guidance. In Native American culture, the turtle was the oldest sign for mother earth. He didn’t know how reliable these sources were, as Derry didn’t have a very diverse library. Mike worried he would have to find access to a bigger library to find more information, which was going to be difficult, since the nearest town was too far to bike to, and he didn’t have a car.

He then looked up what the voice had said, something about blood and everyone being gone? He thought maybe it was a quote of something, but he couldn’t find any evidence to support that. Maybe he had misheard? Was it a name of a book, a location somewhere? There were too many possibilities to narrow it down. After the library closed, he often stayed for an hour to help clean and lock up along with the head librarian. He kept hoping that he’d see the turtle pop up somewhere, but it was always in the kid section where it was supposed to be. He didn’t listen to any music, hoping that maybe he would hear the voice again. Mike wasn’t a fool, he knew he had little to grasp on, but he also trusted his instincts, which were telling him that something was here. There was something that he needed to figure out, he just didn’t have all the pieces yet.

It occurred to him that maybe this was another one of the adults can’t see or hear things situation. If that was the case, maybe other kids had seen or heard something and were just not saying. He listened to student’s conversations at lunch, eavesdropped more than he cared to admit, but he was desperate here. He was going to figure it out, he just needed to be patient.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: You Spin Me Round by Dead Or Alive


	9. controlling my feelings for too long, forcing our darkest souls to unfold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning, Richie was anxious. Eddie didn’t know why, and he was honestly a little worried. Richie was the relaxed one, it was usually Eddie who was anxious over everything. During class, he was unusually quiet, which was another red flag something was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen i know i have finals but consider this: i have no self control. Im putting out another chapter because i started posting this story a month ago from today and im lowkey a sentimental dumbass so.
> 
> content warning: internalized homophobia, discussion of conversion therapy (only mentioned but still)

Richie had a plan. He had a fucking plan, okay? And it was a good plan, fuck you very much Beverly. It was May and Richie was literally going to combust if he didn’t do something soon. He just needed to know, he told himself, knowing if he had a chance or not was good enough for him. He totally would not be horribly crushed if Eddie said no, he was fifteen next month, he couldn’t cry like a baby because Eddie didn’t love him like that, or never even entertained the idea of loving him like that, and it was fine. Everything was fine.

He was so fucking nervous. He had been pacing his room for almost an hour now, trying to build up the courage to go to Eddie’s tonight. It was a Thursday, so tomorrow was movie night at Bill’s and he couldn’t tell Eddie at Bill’s and he knew if he pushed it off any further, he would lose any nerve he had and back out. So, it had to be today, or tomorrow morning, or maybe after school? Fuck, no he was pushing it off again. But Richie really didn’t want to risk it on the night he was supposed to sleepover, as if he didn’t sleep more in Eddie’s bed than he did in his own, because then Eddie wouldn’t be able to sleep if it went to shit. At least, if it was tomorrow, Eddie would be with the other Losers at movie night and be able to sleep. But fuck, if it went bad, then he couldn’t go to Bill’s, and everyone would know something was wrong because nobody missed movie night unless on the brink of death. And they’d ask Eddie, since he was the closest with Richie and they spent almost every day together, and Richie didn’t want to put Eddie in that spot, Eddie hated the spotlight.

Christ, maybe there was no right time to do it. Maybe he should just say fuck it and blurt it out now. It’d be like ripping off a band aid, right? That way would be easier, he thought to himself. Of course, if it went to shit, it was going to suck either way, but positivity and all that.

Bev rolled her eyes whenever he asked her if he should do it, saying repeatedly, “There’s no way he’d say no, you fucking idiot.” And Stan definitely had lost his patience with Richie and informed him quite calmly that if he didn’t do it soon, he would “murder you slowly” so he wasn’t much help.

“Honey,” his mother said as she opened his bedroom door, “I can hear you pacing up a storm up here, is something wrong?”

Richie wondered if his mom would disown him if he told her. She never really said anything bad about it, but she didn’t say anything good either. He had no idea what her opinions were on the subject and that was a whole other issue he would probably have to face eventually.

“I’m just restless,” he lied. “No worries.”

She raised a skeptical eyebrow, “Richie, you’ve been up here for an hour. You’re usually at Eddie’s by now. Are you guys fighting?”

“No,” he said honestly, hesitating on how much to tell her. “Well, maybe. Sort of? I don’t know.”

She leaned against the doorway, seemingly settling in for a long conversation. Goddammit, why did Richie never keep his mouth shut? He really didn’t want to discuss this with her, not right now and preferably not ever.

“Well, fight or not, it looks like it’s stressing you out. Is he having problems with his mom again? I can call Sonia if he needs some space.”

It hit Richie then, that she really loved him and she honestly loved Eddie as well. Just as Richie could never shut up, his mom was always vocal if she didn’t like someone. If she didn’t like Eddie, or didn’t care at all, she wouldn’t offer anything he needed, or ask Richie so frequently how he was. He decided right there, that maybe he could trust her a little.

“No, nothing like that. I’ve been keeping a secret from him, I guess. And he deserves to know, because it concerns him, but I don’t know how to tell him. I don’t want him to get mad at me.”

His mother was quiet for a moment, looking at him thoughtfully. “His reaction might depend on the secret, but that boy has been your friend since you were seven. I don’t think he’d throw that away over a secret. As for telling him, just be honest, sweetheart. What’s done is done, nothing we can do about that now, what’s important now is what you’re going to do to make it right.”

Richie was a little bit surprised by her answer. He didn’t often go to her for advice, and she never offered, but it was sound advice. At least it was for what limited information he gave her.

“Thanks mom,”

“No problem, honey. Don’t worry too much, if Eddie cares about you, he’ll understand. Now, get going before it’s too late, and don’t forget your backpack. You still have school tomorrow, and I don’t want another call from your teacher about you forgetting your school supplies.”

 

 

The next morning, Richie was anxious. Eddie didn’t know why, and he was honestly a little worried. Richie was the relaxed one, it was usually Eddie who was anxious over everything. During class, he was unusually quiet, which was another red flag something was wrong. He asked Bill during their next class together if Richie seemed off to him, and Bill frowned a bit.

“I g-guess so,” he replied. “B-but, he doesn’t seem upset. Maybe he had a f-fight with his parents.”

Eddie didn’t know about that, Richie never really got anxious about his parents. Angry? Yes, but anxious? He really hoped Richie didn’t do something stupid and get in trouble.

After school, Richie still wasn’t saying anything, and Bev was starting to give him looks. She didn’t seem angry, but he caught her whispering to Richie at lunch before he sat down, and she had looked annoyed. Right now, she was glaring at him and Richie was pointedly not looking at her. Eddie glanced between the two of them before turning back to the others to see if they noticed. Bill looked confused, but Stan seemed more annoyed than Bev.

“Are you okay?” Eddie asked, reaching out to place a hand on Richie’s arm. He startled, however, when Richie jumped away, wide eyed and panicked. “Richie?”

“What? Yeah, I’m fine, I’m good, everything is great.” He said quickly, pushing up his glasses nervously.

Eddie looked at him in disbelief, “Uh huh, sure. What the fuck is going on with you?”

“Nothing!” Richie’s voice was unnaturally high, and he looked quickly between Bev and Stan before looking back at Eddie. “Hey, let’s go to the quarry, it’s finally warm enough.”

“What?” he asked, thrown by the sudden topic change. “It’s fifty degrees.”

“I think that’s a great idea!” Bev chimed in loudly, suddenly appearing at Eddie’s side. She had a wide grin on her face that he immediately was wary of. “Doesn’t that sound nice, Stan?”

“Um,” Stan said eloquently. Bev gave him a dirty look.

“Lots of birds at the quarry, I bet.” She pressed.

“Right,” Stan said slowly. “The birds.”

“Great! Let’s go!”

“Uh,” Bill said, looking as confused as Eddie felt. “What?”

“Hey, aren’t you, Ben and Mike heading over to the library to check out that book you mentioned at lunch?” Bev interrupted. Ben, who was beside Bill, startled when she said his name. His eyes widened, and he opened his mouth to speak when Bev barreled on. “Yeah, that’s too bad, we’ll see you at movie night, then! Bye boys!”

She hustled Richie on his bike, who looked bewildered, and Stan got on his as Bev started dragging Eddie to his.

“Wait,” Eddie tried to say, but Bev had pushed Eddie on his bike and was now hopping on her own, speeding away.

“Hurry up, boys!” she called back “I don’t want to miss the sunset!”

Eddie followed her and Stan, glancing back at the others who genuinely looked like they had no clue what had just happened. He could relate. By the time they had biked to the quarry, Richie had a look of dawning realization and was glaring at Bev, but Eddie was still confused as fuck. Beverly happily pedaled on, chatting with Stan, who did not look confused anymore and instead looked a bit smug. Eddie did not like that face, that was the face of a man who knew something Eddie did not, and he did not trust it one fucking bit.

“Isn’t it nice out, boys?” Bev said as they dropped their bikes on the ground, except Stan who stood it up properly.

“It’s freezing,” Eddie deadpanned. “Why are you acting weird?”

“Wow, you know what I just realized?” she continued brightly. “The quarry is really beautiful, isn’t it Stan?”

“Sure is,” Stan agreed. Eddie narrowed his eyes at him. He was enjoying this too much, Eddie was going to kick him.

“It’s almost something out of a movie,” Bev said, turning to grin at Richie. Richie looked like he wanted to pass out. “A nice movie, like I don’t know, a romantic one?”

“Bev,” Richie said in warning.

“Oh! Speaking of movies, I forgot it’s mine and Stan’s turn to pick up the movies this week!”

“It’s Ben and Mike’s turn,” Eddie interrupted impatiently.

“I guess we have to go, sorry boys, see you later!” She said loudly over him as she got on her bike. Eddie had never witnessed someone move as quickly as Bev and Stan did as they tore out of the quarry. He blinked after them, opening his mouth a couple of times before turning back to Richie.

“What the fuck?” he said. Richie looked like he wanted the ground to split open and swallow him whole. “What the fuck was that about?”

“I hate them,” Richie said under his breath. Eddie stared at him in disbelief.

“Does this have something to do with why you’re acting all weird?” Eddie questioned.

Richie sighed, scuffing his shoe on the ground and looking at the ground. “I guess.”

Eddie waited, but he was never a patient person to begin with. “And? What’s with the secrets?”

Richie looked at Eddie carefully, staring into his eyes as if trying to read his mind. Eddie let him and after a moment Richie took a deep breath, standing up a little taller.

“Come sit for a second,” Richie said, and they moved to the edge of the quarry, making sure to stay safe from the freezing water. Richie was still quiet and as much as it bothered him, Eddie let him gather his thoughts. Eddie look out over the quarry; the water was still and peaceful. He didn’t see any animals, but then again there wasn’t too many that hung around when the Losers came over. He thought of the turtle he saw at the kissing bridge, and the one they occasionally spotted in the water. He didn’t know if it was the same one, but how many turtles were there in Maine, anyway?

“Eddie?” Richie said after some time had passed.

“Hmm?” Eddie hummed to show he was paying attention, but Richie didn’t continue. Eddie looked over to him, ready to ask if Richie was okay, but he was cut short as Richie surged forward, looking determined, and kissed Eddie.

Eddie froze in shock. Richie had never kissed him on the mouth before, even if this kiss only lasted for a second and Richie was already pulling back look at Eddie anxiously. Eddie stared at him, still not believing what the fuck just happened, because Richie just kissed Eddie and Eddie’s mind was screaming at him and he didn’t know what the fuck to do, and Eddie dimly thought that if his heart kept racing this quickly, he was going to have a heart attack and die.

“Eds?” Richie prompted quietly. “I knew I’m a great fucking kisser, but I didn’t think your mind would literally break.”

He just said the word, Eddie thought a bit hysterically. Eddie thought he had somewhat accepted that he liked Richie and was content to suffer forever, but holy shit that was the biggest lie in the universe, because Richie kissed him, and Eddie wanted more, immediately, but Richie was not moving, and Eddie didn’t know how to fucking do any of this.

“You just,” he barely whispered out. Richie looked at him warily. “Rich?”

Richie shrugged, averting his gaze for a second. “I like you, in case you haven’t guessed it by now. I didn’t want to hide it from you, but I don’t expect anything, it’s okay if you don’t, I get it and it’s not a big deal because you’re still my best friend first, right?”

Eddie felt his mind come to a screeching halt, because no, he very much did like him, but he was not prepared for this, what the fuck was he supposed to do. Richie looked unsure and anxious and Eddie hated it, but he didn’t know what to do to make it better.

“This doesn’t have to change anything, we can pretend it never happened if you want – “

Eddie leaned forward and kissed him. He didn’t know what the fuck he was doing, but it still felt like the best thing on the planet because it was Richie, and his lips were soft and slightly chapped, and Eddie’s body felt warm and light.

It only lasted another second, but when they pulled away, Richie had a blinding grin on his face and Eddie felt his face soften at the sight.

“Is that a ‘yes, I like you too’?” Richie asked. Eddie still felt terrified, but he also felt free, for maybe the first time in his life.

“It’s an ‘I don’t hate you’.” Eddie said, comforted by the familiar bickering. Richie was practically bouncing in place, and Eddie let himself revel in the fondness that flooded his chest.

“I’ll take it,” Richie beamed at Eddie, who rolled his eyes, but went willingly when Richie pulled him forward, taking his face in his hands and peppering soft kisses all over Eddie’s face. Eddie giggled, letting himself enjoy it. Richie looked delighted at the sound.

“I didn’t think you’d actually say yes,” Richie admitted softly.

“I haven’t said yes to anything, you dumbass. You haven’t asked a question,” Eddie teased. He didn’t think he’d ever get to be this happy.

Richie leaned in again, kissing him gently. He didn’t pull away after it ended this time, just rested his forehead against Eddies so their faces were only inches apart.

“Date me?” Richie asked. Eddie’s heart was going to burst through his chest.

Eddie’s mind suddenly threw images of the graffiti on the kissing bridge, of the people on the news talking about gays being beat up for loving someone they weren’t supposed to. Through the fog of giddiness in his mind, fear started to climb back in.

“We could get in trouble,” he told Richie, his voice barely above a whisper. “People would hate us.”

“None of those people matter, all that matters are us and our friends. Everybody else can fuck off.” Richie said firmly. “Does this feel wrong to you? It doesn’t feel wrong to me.”

It didn’t. Having the possibility of something he thought he would never be able to experience right in front of him made him burn with yearning. He never felt safer or happier than he did when he was with Richie. Richie made him feel warm and loved and that couldn’t be bad, could it? But there had to be a reason everybody hated this, why they thought it was perverted and wrong, right?

“What if someone finds out?” Eddie asks.

“Then we’ll deal with it. We can do anything together, remember? Me and you, us, and the other Losers. We can make it work.”

Eddie wanted it so badly it ached, but he was terrified. He didn’t want to give it up, now that it was right within his reach.

“You don’t have to say yes,” Richie said, bumping his nose with Eddie’s. “I won’t be mad. I know it’s scary.”

Eddie felt his hand reach for Richie’s and Richie laced their fingers tightly.

“I want it,” Eddie whispered, looking up at Richie pleadingly. He wanted Richie to understand, that he wanted it more than anything else in the world, but it wasn’t so simple. “I like you too, but…”

Richie didn’t look upset, he only smiled a bit, squeezing Eddie’s hand. “Eds, I’d wait forever for you. You don’t have to say yes now, we can do whatever you want, whenever, okay?”

“Okay,” he said quietly. “You’re not mad?”

Richie rolled his eyes, pulling back just enough so he could kiss his forehead. He pulled Eddie closer, wrapping him in a hug. Eddie tucked his face in the crook of his neck, clutching Richie tightly.

“I could never be mad at you.”

 

 

Richie walked Eddie home, but he didn’t come inside. Eddie was both disappointed and relieved. He needed a minute to himself, just to think, and Richie knew him well enough to know that. He’d see him later tonight, at Bill’s, which suddenly sounded terrifying.

Eddie collapsed onto his bed, looking up at the ceiling and frowning. He wasn’t scared of Richie, that would be ridiculous, but maybe he was afraid of how to act with him now. He felt like everyone would know, with just one look at them. Eddie thought that he might as well brand it on his forehead, because that’d be just as obvious. “I kissed a boy” it would read, or maybe “I just kissed my best friend who is a guy and I loved it” that one was a mouthful. Maybe it would just read “gay”. Christ, he didn’t like to even think of that word, but there was no hiding from it now. He kissed a boy and he liked it and he wanted to do it again. It wasn’t just that Eddie liked Richie, it was the undeniable truth that he never found girls attractive, that he didn’t notice anything particularly nice about them. He had tried to, not so long ago, but it had felt so alien to him that he rejected the idea of dating anyone. It was the fact that Eddie liked boys, he liked that they were tall and strong, not soft, and curvy like girls. Eddie couldn’t deny it now, with the feeling of Richie’s lips against his still on his mind.

So, okay he was gay. He could deal with that, but having other people know he was gay? He’d rather face It by himself. He didn’t want anybody to see him as dirty or wrong. He hated being dirty and people thought this was dirty, so he was dirty, and he hated it, he could never be clean. And, god, his mother. He didn’t want to know what she’d do to him if she ever found out. He’d never leave the house again, that was for sure. He’d probably have to move, and she’d make him go to doctor appointments every day of his fucking life, or maybe she’d take him to one of those treatment centers. People on the news talked about it, some conversion therapy that would cure the homosexual disease. He didn’t know if that was real, but he knew that he definitely did not want to find out.

Eddie wanted to be with Richie, even if it terrified him. He wanted it so bad. But how would it work? Would they have to hide for the rest of their lives? Eddie didn’t want people knowing, but he also didn’t want to live his life in fear. Eddie didn’t know what to do.

The sun went down, and his room soon became illuminated only by his small bedside table light. He knew the Losers would be expecting him soon, but he didn’t want to face people yet. Eddie was contemplating every possible scenario that could happen if people found out when something knocked against his window. He glanced over, and saw Richie sitting on the other side. He knew the window was unlocked, as it always was for Richie to sneak in and out of, but Richie didn’t try opening it. He was giving Eddie a choice.

Eddie sat up and nodded at Richie, who immediately opened the window and climbed through. He sat down next to Eddie, leaning back against the headboard of the bed.

“I figured you wouldn’t want to go to Movie Night alone.” Richie said. Eddie looked at him, at his dumb sincere face, and his too big glasses and felt his heart swell.

“Yeah,” Eddie admitted softly, fidgeting nervously. “What if they find out?”

“They wouldn’t care, but I know what you mean. They’d act the same way they always do, and they’re not going to know just by looking at us. Bev is perspective, but she’s not a mind reader.”

Eddie worried the inside of his bottom lip between his teeth, “Are you sure?”

“They won’t know unless we tell them, and we don’t have to do that anytime soon, Eds. We don’t ever, if you want, but that’d kind of be hard to hide eventually.”

Eddie knew that, but the thought still made his heart race with panic.

“But, Eds, you should now that Bev and Stan know about me,” Richie said, sitting up straight, and turning to face Eddie. “That I’m gay or whatever.”

“I told Bill,” he said hesitantly. “But I can’t say the word, not out-loud.”

Richie beamed at him, looking proud regardless. “Eddie, that’s fucking great! He didn’t care, right?” Eddie shrugged. “That’s a yes, I bet he told you he still loved you just the same, he’s a sap like that.”

Eddie cracked a smile, nodding.

“That’s like half the group already, all together. And nothing bad has happened, they don’t treat me any different, right?”

“I guess so,” he admitted. “Is that why Bev and Stan were acting weird before?”

Richie rolled his eyes, blushing slightly. Very few things made Richie blush, so Eddie was surprised to see him do it now. “They’ve been trying to get me to tell you for like a year now, I think they got annoyed by me constantly whining to them, but I had a plan!”

Eddie raised an eyebrow, “They know you like me? They don’t mind?”

“Please, I think they’d be relieved if we told them, they’d finally get some peace.”

“What were you whining to them about?” Eddie was smiling now, amused at how Richie’s blush deepened.

“Eds, have you seen yourself? You’re the cutest person, or thing, on the planet. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how, and I needed to tell _someone_ how cute you were, or I’d die.”

Eddie felt his own cheeks get pink, but he was grinning now. “Shut up, you weren’t going to die, idiot.”

“Shut up about you being cute?” Richie feigned offence. “Never!”

“You’re so full of shit,” Eddie teased. “What was your plan, then?”

Richie paused, “Well, okay, it was a plan, but it wasn’t like a Plan, you know? I was going to ask you to the quarry, which I did, and then, umm – “

“Your plan was to wing it, wasn’t it?” Eddie asked.

“Sort of, yeah, the quarry was the only thing I had.”

He rolled his eyes fondly and Richie grinned at him, one hand coming up to cup the side of Eddie’s face. “So, are we heading to movie night or not? We’re going to miss the first one soon,”

“Yeah,” Eddie said softly, “Okay.” Richie leaned forward pecking Eddie’s cheek with a kiss before hopping out of bed, already moving back to the window.

“Come on, Eds, meet me outside after you tell your mom.” He said, “Oh and let her know I can’t go to her room tonight, I’m busy.”

“Beep-beep, dumbass.”

 

 

Richie was happy. He was a bit surprised, actually, that he was being mature about all this. He and Eddie weren’t dating no, but Eddie liked him, Eddie wanted to. They couldn’t, right now, but that wasn’t forever. Richie had loved Eddie since the first grade, he could wait a couple more years. He’d probably wait forever for Eddie. They weren’t together, but there was a possibility that one day they could be, and that was enough for Richie. He was over the fucking moon about it, actually and had to contain his giddiness when they arrived at movie night. Eddie went to the kitchen, where Mike and Bill were grabbing popcorn, and Richie went to the living room.

Almost immediately, Bev was in his face, looking at him excitedly. “Richie! Is Eddie here too? Is everything good?”

“Jeez, Bev, hi to you too, no it’s fine I loved being left for the sharks it’s real fun, thanks for asking.”

She backed off a bit, smiling sheepishly. “Sorry, we didn’t mean to push so hard, but I knew if you didn’t do it today you’d never do it, so I had to. We just want you to be happy.”

“I know, I’m not actually mad,” Richie assured. He wished he could tell her, but he promised Eddie.

“So? How’d it go?” she asked eagerly. “Did you tell him, what’d he say?”

“No, I didn’t do it.” Richie lied. “I bailed out.”

“Oh, Richie,” Bev said, “I’m sorry. But we can try again, right? It’s not over yet.”

“Thanks Bev,” he smiled at her, not surprised that Bev was nothing but supportive, even though he knew he could get annoying at times. “Did you guys actually pick movies because I refuse to watch those shitty suspense movies.”

“Those are good!”

“No, they’re not, they’re just boring! I vote ghostbusters.”

“Fuck off, we are not watching ghostbusters for the fifth fucking time, Richie.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so if youre like b r u h why you teasing me right now then lemme explain. being gay, literally just existing as gay or admitting to gay sexual acts was illegal in Maine until 1976. in this story, it's 1991 and the gang is about to turn 15. so they were literally born the year that it became legal to exist while gay. and in 1991, there was a lot of build up to the 1992 election where gay rights was a hot topic for debate so there were a lot of hate crimes that started popping up. so, eddie is very scared here, because in other states, it was still illegal to be gay. and in Derry aka literally the worst city in the world, nobody there is really "liberal" you know what i mean? and years of hearing that being gay is bad and repressing feelings isnt going to go away just because he got a smooch, you feel? he's still 14 here, and hes literally traumatized so
> 
> Chapter title: Showbiz by Muse


	10. If not so in love and it's not so wrong, we're only human after all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie never let himself think of anything that might be considered wrong. He didn’t let himself look, or touch, or feel. Lately though, he found himself lengthening that leash, just a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey im back from the dead! ive missed posting, college is literally the devil i hate it but im on break now! and i am so excited to write more of this story. i have a modern au i've been thinking about for a while (planning it out instead of studying bc i am a horrible student) so if you guys are interested in an It modern au leave a comment so i know. im so glad to be back, i missed talking to you guys and also im sorry if theres any mistakes i am still rising from the grave soo idk if i edited it well.
> 
> Content Warning: blood and gore (mildly graphic but just in case)

Eddie was walking home from school without Richie for once, since he was out sick, and he was jumping over the cracks in the sidewalk, idly trying to entertain himself. It was a lot quieter without Richie at school and Eddie was bored. He wondered what Richie was doing. Probably sleeping, since he was sick, and probably not taking his cold medicine because he was an idiot. Eddie should call him to make sure he took it when he got home.

He continued walking, but he stopped short when he realized where he was. He was in front of the Neibolt house. How did he get here, was he not paying attention to where he was going? Eddie hadn’t been back here since the day in the sewers, and he knew it was just an old house now, but he remembered It falling into the well, still staring at them as it fell into darkness. He didn’t want to go back in there, not for anything.

“Eddie!” a voice called.

Shit. “Richie?” he yelled, taking an instinctive step forward before stopping. “Rich?”

“Eddie!” Richie repeated. “Eds, help!”

Well, he wouldn’t go back in there, except if his friends were somehow trapped inside. Fucking shit, he really hated this fucking house. He crossed the yard, grabbing an iron spoke that was left sitting by the front porch.

“Richie, what the fuck are you doing in there?” Eddie said, nudging the door open and looking around nervously. He didn’t want to look into the kitchen, where It had crawled out of the fucking fridge, body twisted backwards and upside down and It’s fucking head swiveling like It’s neck was made of clay, and held him onto the floor with a hand, his face peeling back to reveal rows and rows of teeth.

No – shut up, brain focus here. Richie might be in danger, there was no time for freaking out.

“I don’t know, I woke up here!” Richie called back. Eddie headed towards his voice, the iron spoke raised like a baseball bat. “Eddie, help me, I can’t move.”

“Where are you?” Eddie asked. His voice seemed to come from down the hall, where there were three doors closed shut. Eddie didn’t know what was behind them, and he really didn’t want to open all of them.

“Boo,” a voice whispered by his ear. He spun around, swinging the iron spoke. It smashed into the leper’s face, caving in the side of its head. Its eyeball was half out of its socket, and there was pus oozing everywhere, and Eddie could see bone through its scalp.

“Aww don’t be like that,” it garbled out. “I’ll blow you for a dime.”

Eddie ran. He chose a door and hoped Richie was in it because they were getting the fuck out right fucking now. He stumbled through the door but froze. It was the same hallway, but he was on the other side now. The leper was no where to be seen, and the door behind him slammed shut. He walked cautiously forward, grip tightening on the iron spoke. There was only one door now, the one directly opposite of him. He looked around, trying to step quietly and listen to any noise. He reached the door again and kicked it open.

It was the hallway again.

Eddie’s breathing picked up, panic crawling up his throat. There was only one exit again, the same door down the hall. Eddie ran this time, throwing the door open again to see the same thing.

“What the fuck?” Eddie whispered.

“How about a nickel?” the leper said from behind him. The door hadn’t closed when he went through this time, and the leper was shambling after him, one leg twisting inward at the knee with a crunch in each stop. Eddie slammed the door closed and sprinted for the door.

“Oh, fuck you!” Eddie exclaimed when it was the same goddamn hallway. The leper was still scrambling after him, and he couldn’t just fucking stand there. He ran forward again, but this time there was a new door, to the left. He careened into it, shutting the door behind him.

He turned around and fell back against the door in surprise. He was in his house. He had just walked in his front door, and he could hear his mother watching TV in the living room.

“Eddie, is that you?” his mom called. “Don’t slam doors, you could hurt yourself.”

Eddie looked around wildly, not trusting this for one fucking second. He walked towards the living room and almost walked right into his mom, who had gotten up to look for him.

“Eddie!” she scolded, “You’re filthy, what on Earth have you been doing?

He looked down at himself, but he didn’t see anything. “I’m not,”

“Yes, you are, don’t be silly.” She said, pointing at his chest. “You’re covered in this stuff! We need to get you cleaned up, you’ll get sick standing around like that.”

Eddie stared at his mother, but she only raised her eyebrows at him. “I’m not covered in anything.”

“Oh, dear, you don’t even see it now, do you?” she sighed, shaking her head at him sadly. “I warned you about this, Eddie Bear, now look what you’ve made me do.”

He stepped back warily, but she didn’t move. The door creaked open behind him and he shakily turned to look.

“What about a penny?” It cackled, blood spurting from its mouth. Eddie backed away, bumping into his mother, but she clamped her hands on his shoulders, pinning him in place.

“Now, now, Eddie, this is what you get,” she told him. “Didn’t I say that you were sick? Now you’ve gone and made it worse.”

The leper stumbled towards him and Eddie tried to wrench himself away to no avail. “Mommy?” he cried out, desperately prying at her hands, “Mommy, please, no, please I’ll be better, Mom help me!”

“I told you, Eddie Bear,” she said with a cluck of her tongue. “You did this.”

“Mom!” He screamed as the leper reached out at him, flesh dangling from its fingertips. “Mommy please! Let me go! No, please!”

She didn’t let him go and he screamed wordlessly as the leper dug his hands into Eddie’s face, gouging out his skin. It was going to eat him, he knew it, it was going to shove its hands into his stomach and rip out his insides and make him watch as it ate on his flesh. He screamed as It started to do just that, digging its nails into his torso and wriggling, digging deeper and deeper, trying to rip him apart-

Eddie woke up with a gasp, sobbing and wheezing and trying to yell but he couldn’t because he couldn’t fucking _breathe_.

“Eddie,” someone said from next to him. “Eds, listen to me, it’s okay, you’re okay, it was just a nightmare. Come on, breathe with me, Eds. You’re okay, Eddie, you’re okay.”

Eddie reached out blindly, his hands clenching at empty space until gentle hands grabbed them and brought them to a warm chest. He looked over, still choking on breaths and saw Richie. He looked like he had just woken up, his glasses were off, there was a faint pillow impression on his face, and it was still dark outside.

“It’s okay,” Richie repeated softly. “Do you need your inhaler?”

Eddie shook his head. He was trying to match his breathing to the rise and fall of Richie’s chest under his hands. It was working, the longer he sat there and the more distant the dream got. After a few minutes, his breaths didn’t come out as a pitiful wheeze and he could mostly breathe fine.

“You okay?” Richie asked. Eddie nodded, but there were still fresh tears on his face that Richie could see, and he asked again. “Are you sure?”

Eddie could feel himself trembling and he shook his head after a beat. Richie gently tugged his hands and Eddie slumped into his arms, resting his forehead on Richie’s chest and clutching onto his shirt. Richie’s arms wrapped around him reassuringly and he could feel Richie place his chin on Eddie’s head.

“Feel like sharing?” Richie asked. Eddie shook his head. “Okay, that’s okay. Want to try to sleep again?”

Eddie shuddered and quickly shook his head no again. Richie’s arms tightened around him.

“Okay.” Richie said soothingly, “That’s okay, too.”

Eddie wasn’t aware of the time passing, but he knew they must have stayed like that for a while, because his leg fell asleep under him. He still didn’t want to move, not just yet. He just wanted to be held for a little bit longer. Richie, at some point, had started to idly run his fingers through Eddie’s hair, twirling the ends around his finger where it started to curl.

“Still awake?” Richie whispered.

Eddie nodded against his chest tiredly. His eyes were heavy, but he knew there was no more sleep for him tonight. He suddenly realized that he didn’t remember falling asleep with Richie there; he must’ve climbed through the window not too long ago.

“When’d you get here?” Eddie mumbled.

“A couple of hours ago. It’s almost 3.” Richie answered, “I was at Bev’s didn’t notice the time. She was working on a jacket for me, did I tell you? It’s coming along really nice, but it’s no-where near done according to her.”

Eddie hummed.

“Want to lay down?” he asked.

“Okay,” Eddie said quietly. His voice was rough and weak from his sobbing and hyperventilating, but Richie must’ve understood anyways, because he curled up on his side with Eddie facing him still tucked under his chin. Eddie wrapped his fists in Richie’s shirt, making sure he wasn’t going anywhere. Eddie didn’t want to close his eyes, not wanting to risk seeing the leper waiting for him. He could still feel its cold hands digging into his stomach.

“It was the leper,” Eddie whispered eventually. He knew Richie wouldn’t go back to sleep without him, even if he was tired. Richie was still playing with Eddie’s hair, something he did when he was trying to both comfort Eddie and stay awake. Richie didn’t speak, letting Eddie go at his own pace. “I was at Neibolt house, and I heard you inside. But I couldn’t find you, and the leper was there, chasing me, and I kept running but it was always the same hallway, and I couldn’t escape.”

Richie hugged him a little bit closer, wrapping his arms more securely around him, as if he was making sure Eddie couldn’t be taken away.

“And then there was a new door, and I was home, but my mom was mad at me, and she held me there, letting the leper get to me, and it was going to eat me, rip me apart while I was still alive and make me watch.”

Eddie shuddered again, trying to shake off the phantom hands that tore at him. He felt sick.

“It’s not going to get you,” Richie murmured to him, “I wouldn’t let It. But even if It somehow did, you’re strong Eds. You’d fight it off.”

Eddie shook his head. “I couldn’t.”

“You could,” Richie insisted. “You _did_. You’re the bravest one of us all, Eds. I wish you could see that.” Eddie didn’t answer, just burrowed closer like if he could get close enough he could sink into Richie’s chest and stay there. “You know, when we first went to Neibolt, It got me away from Bill by using you.”

He stopped wiggling, distracted by Richie’s words.

“I knew it was probably a trap, but the fucker could literally shapeshift so if he could do that, I figured hey teleportation isn’t too much of a reach. And if there was a chance you were there, then I was going to take it. It was a room full of creepy clown dolls, by the way. Fucking clowns, man.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” Eddie asked.

“Because my biggest fear is losing you,” Richie said casually. Eddie’s heart lurched in his chest. “But I don’t have to worry about that, because you’re with me. Your fears, they’re still around, right? Your mom, diseases, shit like that. You deal with it everyday without backing down. So, I know that I don’t have to worry about losing you, because you’re tough as nails, Eds, and you’re brave enough to take on anything.”

Eddie blinked back sudden tears. He hated that he was such an easy crier, but he didn’t think much of it right now. Richie thought he was strong, that he was brave, and Eddie felt like an imposter. He wasn’t any of those things.

“I’m not,” Eddie mumbled.

“Don’t be a dumbass, that’s my thing.” Richie said, always ready for a joke.

“I’m not,” Eddie insisted. “I’m scared all the time, and I can’t even date you because I’m scared of what will happen if people find out.”

“Being strong doesn’t mean you can’t be afraid. Everyone is afraid of something. You’re brave because you don’t let fear stop you. You already told Bill, and you told me. It’s okay to be scared, Eds, it’s what you do with fear that matters.”

Eddie was silent as Richie continued to stroke his hair. He still didn’t feel very brave.

“And, holy shit, remember when you kicked It right in the face? That was fucking awesome.” Richie said suddenly, breaking the quiet. “And when we were having a rock war with Bower’s gang and you were the first jump down to the river, and oh my fucking god remember when you kicked Belch and then when he came up to you at school you were so fucking badass, you didn’t give a shit. And when he started picking on Mike and you literally got him fucking arrested? Eddie, you’re the most badass person I know.”

Eddie let out a snort of laughter, “I guess so,”

“Well, I fucking know so and that’s the goddamn truth.” Richie declared. “Not brave, my fucking ass.”

Eddie pulled back just enough to grin at Richie. “Have you been reading self help books at the library or what? I thought you said Bill was the sap.”

“Fuck off, I am not. No one is as sappy as Bill is, have you fucking seen him?” Richie scoffed. “I am the least sappy person out there.”

“Sure, Rich, you’re not sappy, you’re just cheesy.”

“Don’t wound me like this, Spaghetti Man, please my fragile heart can’t take it.”

“What kind of shit accent was that? And don’t fucking call me that.”

 

 

Eddie has always kept himself on a tight leash. He was cautious, and often wracked with anxiety. Growing up with a mother like his made him paranoid and afraid. He was better now, he knew, but the point was Eddie never let himself have anything. The only time he had pushed on that was when it came to his friends. The day they went to go save Bev in the sewers was the first time he said no, and fought for something that he wanted.

Now, Eddie let himself enjoy things. He was never relaxed outside of his room, he was constantly on edge and he didn’t think that would change anytime soon, but he wasn’t as anxious anymore. Eddie never let himself think of anything that might be considered wrong. He didn’t let himself look, or touch, or feel. Lately though, he found himself lengthening that leash, just a little.

He let himself look; he looked at Richie when he laughed or when he wasn’t paying attention. He let himself feel; he still wasn’t used to the warmth that flooded his chest when Richie flirted and teased because now Eddie knew that was real, Richie liked him. He let himself want. He wanted to hold Richie’s hand and kiss him and go on dates. He didn’t tell Richie, but he let himself imagine. It still made him nervous, of course, but as the days passed, he found himself more eager than afraid.

It had been about a month since Richie asked him, and true to his word, Richie didn’t ever seem upset. He didn’t push, he didn’t try to kiss Eddie, he didn’t act very different at all. They hadn’t talked about it since that day, and while Eddie was grateful he was also worried that Richie would move on. He knew that was stupid, since Richie said he’d wait. Richie was a lot of things, but he wasn’t a liar, not about important things. Eddie was at first hesitant when he hung out with Richie, he wasn’t sure what to expect, but he was relieved to find that Richie didn’t treat him any different. He still teased Eddie and called him dumb nicknames and made horrible dick jokes. The only difference really was that Eddie knew his flirting wasn’t just teasing anymore.

It was summer break again, and Eddie was fucking overjoyed to be out of the house all day and have sleepovers at the other Loser’s houses at night. He loathed interacting with his mother, and he’d rather avoid it altogether. She still made him take his pills, but he was so good at sleight of hand now that she never noticed that they didn’t even touch his mouth. He flushed them all down the toilet.

It was two years since that shitty summer now and they had all changed. Bill, Stan, and Richie were the tallest, they never really seemed to stop growing. Ben was still rounder, but he seemed healthier and happier. He laughed a lot more now, and he wasn’t so soft spoken anymore. Mike was still the strongest, and he was catching up in height now with the others, but he was stockier. Mike was still volunteering at the library and he loved to share stories about the kids there and talk about books. He seemed to know every book in the whole planet, and he didn’t seem to dislike any genre. Bev had grown up too. She was still thin, and she kept her hair short, but her face wasn’t as round, and she was taller. She was happier too, she laughed easily and didn’t fall into sullen silences as much anymore. Eddie thought of out all of them, he probably changed the least. He was still short, but he was probably more fit than he’d ever been before since he still ran when he could. Honestly, Eddie was beginning to fear he’d be stuck at five foot three forever.

Eddie knew that it was unrealistic to stay friends with the same people all your life, but he was convinced that they were the exception. The Losers always had a movie night at least once a week, and even if they hung out in pairs sometimes, they were always sure to hang out as a group every day. Eddie didn’t know what he’d do if they ever grew apart. They were such a part of him that he thought if that ever happened, a piece of him would die. He didn’t like to think about it.

For now, though, they were all at the barrens, following the river to the quarry but not moving too quickly. The best part of summer was that they had no place to be, and could do what they liked all day without consequence.

“You know, we don’t really have a clubhouse,” Bev said suddenly. Eddie looked over at her, she was walking a bit ahead of them, searching for rocks to use as ammo. Her aunt got her a slingshot for her birthday and Bev was deadly with it. She had a scary accurate aim and she adored that slingshot. It was pretty cool, Eddie thought, but he did not want to be on the receiving end of it.

“What do you mean?” Ben asked. He was helping Bev look for rocks, but he had wondered away a bit, distracted by a patch of pink and purple flowers.

“Wouldn’t our club just be Bill’s house?” Stan piped in. He was walking alongside Bill, looking for birds through the trees. “We practically live there, anyway.”

“Nah, not a house. I mean like a clubhouse, or like a secret hideout. That’d be neat.”

“Fuck yeah, a secret hideout!” Richie yelled excitedly. He was a bit behind Eddie, climbing up on rock ledges and trying to balance on the edge. Eddie was already preparing to fix Richie up when he inevitably fell off. “I’ve always wanted one of those.”

“Great, a secret hideout, so if we go missing, no one knows where to find us.” Stan said distractedly. He was squinting up at a tree, comparing a bird he saw there with a picture in his bird watchers book that he had in one hand.

“Don’t fucking rain on my fucking parade here,” Richie complained. “I want a hideout.”

“All in favor, say fuck it,” Bev said.

“Fuck it,” they all chorused, even Stan.

“So, are we thinking abandoned building here or what?” Ben asked. “Because that sounds sort of horrible.”

“N-no, somewhere near the b-barrens. I l-like it here.” Bill said.

“Gee, I never would have fucking guessed, with us being out here every day and everything.”

“Shut up, Richie,” Stan said reflexively. Mike, who had his nose stuck in a book as usual, looked up from it and frowned over at Stan.

“Do you think that bird sound is a yellow billed or black billed cuckoo?” he asked.

“I can’t tell, I don’t see it anywhere, do you? I’m leaning more towards yellow billed. It’s hot out today, maybe there’ll be a storm later.” Stan said as he flipped through a couple pages in his book. Stan had long ago roped Mike into being a bird watcher with him and they often randomly asked in middle of a conversation what the other thought the latest bird sound had been. The Losers barely skipped a beat when it happened now, so used to it that it didn’t interrupt the flow of the conversation.

“That’s probably true, granddad mentioned it might rain tonight.” Mike acknowledged.

“What about a t-tree house?” Bill asked. He was sketching while he walked, glancing up every so often to get a reference of something before focusing back on his sketchbook. Eddie knew he was probably sketching outlines of movements, so he could go back to them later and draw them out.

“Maybe,” Bev hummed.

“Then we got to build it,” Richie complained “It’s too hot for that shit.”

“There’s that,” Ben agreed. “I don’t have any ideas, there’s not much out here.”

“There’s that old house north of the junkyard,” Eddie suggested. “I think it’s empty and it’s not broken as shit.”

“Eddie Spaghetti!” Richie exclaimed, hopping down to throw an arm over Eddie’s shoulders. “You beautiful genius!”

“Didn’t the old guy who owned it die in there?” Ben asked warily.

“He had a heart attack, nothing scary about that,” Bev dismissed.

“Heart disease is scary,” Eddie protested. “There’s been a major increase of heart disease in Americans since the forties.”

“I love when you talk death statistics to me,” Richie said, pressing the back of his hand against his forehead and pretending to swoon. “It really does things to a guy, Eds.”

“Shut the fuck up, asshole, I’m being serious.”

“So am I!”

Beverly rolled her eyes, pocketing a few smooth rocks for ammo. “Shut up, Richie, no one wants to hear about your weird kinks.”

“I resent that,” Richie said immediately “My only kink is Eddie’s mom.”

“Fuck you, Trashmouth, stop talking about my fucking mom.”

“I think you meant to say me fucking your mom,”

Eddie stuck out his foot to trip Richie, smirking when Richie stumbled over it. He didn’t fall, which was a shame, but Eddie felt proud regardless.

“G-guys,” Bill chastised, bringing everyone’s attention back to him. “Clubhouse, remember?”

“Everyone cool with that?” Bev asked. Eddie and Richie nodded and even Mike looked up to say yes.

Ben shrugged, “As long as it’s not broken as shit, I’m in.”

“Stan?”

Stan blew out a sigh, “Fine, but if it’s fucking gross, I’m leaving.”

“F-fair enough,” Bill said with a grin. “Let’s g-go find us a clubhouse.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from something about you by level 42


	11. and all i ever wanted is just a little love... and all i ever wanted is breaking me apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keeping up with the Kaspbrak (featuring Stan the man, detective)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol yikes its been a while. i'm not gonna give you guys any long explanations as to why it took me this long to update. long story short is: some shit went down but i am okay now so it's all good sort of. way to be vague, i know. anyway, this is long overdue and i am so sorry about that. i also want to thank every single person who has ever left a comment because you guys are so sweet and i love them so much, every time i get an alert that someone commented my heart grows three times its size like that scene from the grinch and i read them all at least a hundred times.
> 
> Content warning: a homophobic slur (that i in no way support but its necessary for the story's plot)

Eddie hated being at his house. It never felt safe anymore, and he couldn’t stand to look at his mother. He hated the guilt he felt when he looked at her. Why did he still feel guilty? His mother never really loved him anyways, and had always treated him horribly, why was he still afraid of disappointing her? He couldn’t look her in the eyes and not think about how he kissed Richie and he liked it and how she would hate him if she ever found out. She would hurt him, he knew, and she’d never let him see Richie again. Eddie didn’t want to be hurt anymore, but it hurt hiding. He figured that it would hurt either way. He wasn’t born right, and it was never going to be easy for him. He was always going to hurt in one way or another.

He liked spending the night at Bill’s and Richie’s. Their moms weren’t perfect either, but they were good moms. Bill’s mom had always liked him, and was almost a second mother to him. She had been different since Georgie, quiet and withdrawn. She stared into space a lot with a haunted expression and seeing that always made Bill unbearably sad. She didn’t react to much at first, but she was much better now. She greeted them when they came over, and smiled. Bill was happy about it, that much was clear by the relieved grin on his face when his mother hugged him goodnight before she headed up for bed. She started cooking more, and she even hugged Eddie again. Eddie was glad she was feeling better. Richie’s mom was different. Like her son, she talked a lot. She liked to chat when she cooked dinner, on the phone or with Eddie and Richie if they were nearby. She looked a lot like Richie, Eddie thought, but he knew that Richie got along with his mom only recently. Before, they used to fight a lot, and Richie spent most of the time he was home in his room. Eddie was glad he was getting along with her now, Richie now willingly spent time out of his room when Eddie was there and bickered lightheartedly with his mom as she cooked.

She liked Eddie as well. First, because Richie got in a lot less fights when they became friends. Since he had Eddie to bother, he didn’t talk so much shit to people in class, so he didn’t get beat up for pissing someone off. Eddie liked to think she liked him for more than that now. She chatted to him about her day during dinner and asked him questions and listened to him. She was always giving him cookies to take home, fussing over his weight and making sure he had enough blankets at night. Richie’s dad was still never around, but when he got home from work at eight in the evening, he always greeted Eddie pleasantly. Eddie knew it used to bother Richie that his dad was never home, but Richie seemed used to it now, which was better than miserably trying and failing to get his dad’s attention.

The Loser’s club had a clubhouse now, but Eddie refused to step foot in it. When they first went to the abandoned property to scope it out, they discovered a possum under the porch, and at least four rats inside the house. Eddie and Stan were out of there in a blink of an eye and both declared they weren’t going within a hundred feet of that goddamn place unless those rats were gone.

“Do you know how many diseases rats carry? They literally brought the black plague. The fleas on them did, and everyone died, and they had to burn dead bodies in the streets because everyone was dying so quickly.” Eddie had rambled, only slightly hysterical.

“Eddie, we’ve been in an actual sewer.” Bev had reminded him.

“That was life and death, not for fucking fun and I would prefer not to ever do that again, thanks.”

“I agree,” Stan said, looking warily at where Richie was lying down in front of the porch, trying to poke at the possum with a stick. “Rats are fucking gross, I’m not going in there until they’re gone.”

And so that brought forth, operation get the fucking rats out. Bill and Richie bought a bunch of mouse traps and spent a day setting them up, and spraying the crooks and corners of the house with bug spray. There were no termites or roaches, thank fuck, but there were a shit ton of spiders. Ben begged out of helping when they discovered the spiders, since he was terrified of them. The rest of the club took turns checking the traps and driving out the possum that kept trying to burrow under the porch.

Eddie refused to go with Richie when it was his turn to check the traps, sticking to his word that he was not going inside until it was clean of disease ridden animals. Despite his pouting, Richie was the most excited of the group about the house, which made him eager to get the rats. It went from eagerness to impatience to all out war in an unsurprising amount of time.

“It’s fucking personal now,” Richie had fumed while the Losers were out at the quarry. “They’re doing it on purpose. How are they getting the food out of the traps? They’re messing with me.”

“Wow, Richie is outsmarted by rats, why am I not surprised?” Stan said flatly. Eddie laughed at Richie’s sputtering and offended expression.

“Just you fucking wait, I’m going to win.”

“It’s not a competition you idiot,” Eddie rolled his eyes. “They’re rats.”

“Yeah, and I’m going to kick their fucking ass.”

It was Bill’s day to check the traps, and Richie tagged along “for vengeance” so Bev and Eddie went to the Aladdin to watch a movie. Eddie had noticed Bev giving Richie looks, now that he knew Richie had confided in her, which Richie always made faces at until she gave up. It was amusing to watch, but Eddie almost felt bad for enjoying it. It wasn’t like Eddie and Richie were dating behind their backs, they weren’t really anything yet, but Bev’s obvious support of them made Eddie feel guilty all the same. Maybe he could tell her like he told Bill. She probably had guessed by now, and she knew about Richie and didn’t care so it wasn’t as if Eddie was scared she would hate him. Eddie didn’t fucking know why he felt like he couldn’t tell her, he was just scared. Whenever he thought about telling someone, the words choked up his throat and his heart would start pounding in his ears. He hated that he was so weak, but he didn’t know how to stop.

Eddie was walking home after he and Bev split ways to their respective houses. It wasn’t dark yet, but sundown would be coming within the hour. Eddie hoped his mother wasn’t home yet, she had told him she’d be back before seven, so if he was lucky he would get a few hours to himself. Eddie was thinking of which comic book to read when he got home, he and Bill had traded some last week and Eddie was excited to read them, when he spotted someone walking towards him. He stopped walking, squinting to see who it was.

“Oh shit,” Eddie muttered under his breath as he recognized the figure. It was Bower’s last gang member. The blonde one that Eddie could never remember the name to. He was pretty sure it had a v in it, or was it a t? He hadn’t seen much of him this past year, because he was a senior and should be leaving for college soon. Eddie didn’t know if he was going to college, but he hoped that he’d move as far away from Eddie as he could.

“Hey, wheezy,” the boy said as he noticed Eddie standing there. He was trying to grow a beard, a sad patchy looking thing that clung to his chin and upper lip. Eddie thought it looked gross. “Just the kid I was looking for.”

“What do you want?” Eddie asked warily. He hadn’t bothered the Losers much since Eddie had gotten his friend arrested. Eddie was perfectly okay with never speaking with him again.

“Listen,” the boy shoved his hands in his pockets, fidgeting and looking around uncomfortably. Trever? No, wait, wasn’t it Victor? That was probably right, Eddie thought. “I wanted to talk with you before I left.”

Eddie looked at him with an unimpressed eyebrow raised. “Why? We don’t talk, ever.”

“Yeah, I know, just,” he huffed out a pained sigh. “I’m leaving this shitty town, and I wanted to start over. With all that shit that’s happened here, with everything. I just need to say this, get it off my chest or something.”

Eddie frowned at him. “What does that have to do with me?”

Victor scowled at the ground, scuffing his shoe against the sidewalk. He looked uncomfortable and vaguely nervous. Eddie briefly wondered if this was some sort of set up or prank. Eddie was ready to kick him in the dick and book it, if that was the case.

“All that shit, when we were kids.” Victor said eventually. “With Bowers and your friends. I wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

Eddie blinked at him, mouth dropping open in shock. “What?”

“I said I was sorry,”

“No, I heard you, I meant what the fuck? Why are you apologizing?”

“I never really liked what Henry did, but he was my friend, you know? I had known him since we were little, and he wasn’t always awful like that. But with Hockstetter, he just turned into a different person. I guess I didn’t know him, not really, but I shouldn’t have gone along with all that shit he pulled. So, I’m sorry for doing it. You guys didn’t deserve it, or whatever.”

What the fuck, Eddie thought as he gaped at Victor. This was the last thing he was expecting when he saw him walking towards him. One of Bower’s gang? Having a conscience and apologizing? Was Eddie hallucinating again, because he had been eating and everything, so he was going to be pissed if this shit came back.

“It’s not like you guys were actually fags or anything.”

Nope, there it was, still an asshole.

“You can’t apologize and then turn around and say the same offensive shit,” Eddie snapped. “That’s not how apologies work, dick head.”

Victor looked taken aback, but Eddie ignored him.

“You didn’t even try to stop Bowers anyways, even if you didn’t like what he was doing. You knew about it and you didn’t do shit, you were just as much as a dick as he was. You haven’t changed at all, if you’re still going around calling everyone fags. If you want to leave this shit behind, then that means you can’t call anyone names or bully them for what they are and expect anything to change.”

Eddie shook his head in disgust and pushed past him to keep walking home. What a dumbass, he thought angrily. Eddie rushed home, dimly aware his hands were shaking. He sat on his bed, fuming at first before he realized that maybe he shouldn’t have said that. He shouldn’t have gotten so defensive, what if Victor figured it out? But Eddie couldn’t bring himself to regret it. He hated that fucking word, he hated that people thought it was okay to pick on others for being different. What did it matter to them anyways? They weren’t hurting anyone by just existing. They couldn’t help how they were born, but they had to deal with so much shit anyway.

He got up with a huff, too agitated to stay still. He went back downstairs and grabbed a jacket. Maybe Richie was back home already, or if not there, then at Bill’s. Eddie didn’t want to be alone, with all these thoughts racing in his mind and forcing anxiety through his lungs. He didn’t want to think about why he was so mad, he didn’t want to think about anything.

 

 

Stan was suspicious by nature, he knew that. He was cautious, meticulous and he overthought everything and everyone. He didn’t see it as a bad thing, although it could get annoying when he had to stop what he was doing to reorder the pantry or organize the closet. He always did things in twos; he checked the locks twice, he tied and untied and then retied his shoelaces twice, he tapped his fingers twice on one hand then twice on another. He got obsessive over things, like birds, and had to know everything about them or his skin would crawl, and itch and he’d slam his fist into the wall just to get it to stop. He never questioned why, and his friends never blinked at Stan’s odd quirks and obsessions. After a particularly bad nightmare at Bill’s house, he couldn’t settle down until he got up to go organize something. Bill had stayed up with him, yawning occasionally while he helped Stan disassemble and reassemble his Legos in order of color. Bill didn’t pry, or seem surprised when Stan stood from the bed, went to his closet, and dumped all the Legos on the floor, he only shrugged off his blankets to sit next to Stan on the floor. Richie, also, was very used to Stan’s habits. His oldest friend, who was always bouncing with barely restrained energy, who was crude and loud and a Trashmouth, never once complained when Stan snapped at him to stop fidgeting or making repetitive noises. He just understood, the same way Stan understood that Richie couldn’t sit still for the life of him, and he always had to be doing something or he’d get anxious.

The point was that Stan was suspicious and paranoid. It was no surprise that the clown and the sewers had traumatized them all, and made Stan even more paranoid than he already was. His paranoia mostly consisted of him worrying constantly about his friends and if they were okay. He was scared that something would come and hurt them, and he wouldn’t be able to stop it. When Eddie confessed to throwing up most of his food, Stan’s mind was almost relieved to have something to focus on. It sounded mean, but Stan didn’t intend it to. He wasn’t glad that Eddie was miserable; he was relieved that something bad had happened. The other shoe had fallen and now that the bad thing he was paranoid would always happen, did happen, he could focus on Eddie, on preparing his lunch and monitoring his health.

Was that healthy for him? Maybe not. But this was Stan’s mind and it had always been like this, so he just accepted it.

It had been months now since Eddie had broken down, and Stan was happy to see that his friend was doing better. Eddie had gained weight and his skin had lost its gray color. Richie went from constantly worrying over Eddie’s health, to constantly fretting over his crush on Eddie. Stan was annoyed by Richie’s constant whining, as well as amused by it. Things were looking good so far. His friends were safe, and happy and healthy.

Which was exactly why Stan _knew_ something was going to happen.

Some shitstorm was going to blow into town and fuck up their lives, Stan fucking knew it and he was waiting for it. He was only comforted by the fact that it was still summer, and the Losers spent almost everyday together, so he didn’t have to worry so much. The only thing that poked at prodded at his mind was that Mike seemed distracted. Mike always had his head in a book, and was always excited to tell them about it or something else he learned. Recently, however, he was less enthusiastic and didn’t tell as many stories.

Stan was instantly suspicious. He watched Mike like a hawk, observing him carefully. It frustrated him when he couldn’t figure out what was bothering him, Mike acted fine enough. He didn’t look upset, or overly distant. He still met up with them all the time, he still laughed easily. He was just… quiet. When Mike should be excitedly telling them about something, he was staring off into the distance, his brow furrowed in thought. It was driving Stan up the walls. He needed to know, he had to fucking know what was wrong already, or it would slowly kill him. His paranoia was through the roof, and he knew Bill could tell, because he’d wordlessly pulled out a thousand-piece puzzle yesterday and spilled it on his bedroom floor. Stan had latched onto that like a man dying of thirst and Bill had sat with him until he was done.

Today, though, Stan was going to find out what the fuck was going on if it fucking killed him. He really hoped it wouldn’t kill him, but in this town, he wouldn’t be surprised.

He considered asking Mike outright what was wrong, but that wouldn’t work. Mike never hid anything from them, so if he was hiding now, he really didn’t want anyone to know. Stan had to catch him in the act of whatever it was if he wanted to find out. Mike had a predictable, easy to memorize daily schedule. He woke up at the farm, did some deliveries, volunteered at the library every other day, and hung out with the Losers. Stan considered that someone was harassing him on his deliveries like Bower’s gang had done, but the only people in this town that would dare were already dead. The only time that Mike was alone was in the library, so it would make sense if it, whatever it was, was taking place there. Stan knew Ben sometimes went to the library with Mike, but Ben wasn’t acting any different at all. He would ask Ben, but what if the something that was possibly wrong was a personal problem of Mike’s and by Stan bringing attention to it, made the other Losers pay attention? Stan couldn’t do that to Mike, no it was better to investigate on his own for now.

Stan went to the library early, at nine, an hour before Mike usually showed up. He looked around for anything out of place, but he didn’t go to the library often enough to see any difference. When Mike arrived, Stan was hiding in the science section. Out of all the subjects, Mike liked science the least, so he most likely would not come to this section often. Probably. Stan hoped, anyways.

He was prepared for the long haul. Stan had brought granola bars and snacks and water bottles. He would stay here all day if he had to. Stan hated not knowing things.

It was a quiet day. There were only a few people who came in and no one stayed for long. Mike spent some time putting back returned books and organizing the bookcases. He went into the office for a bit, but came out with a box of papers and folders and began filing away. Ugh, filing. Even Stan hated filing. Who needed all that paper? It was just clutter, and it took up space.

It wasn’t until one in the afternoon that something happened. Mike was cleaning up the desks, picking up left out books to put away when he glanced up at something and froze. He stared at something that Stan frantically tried to see, and didn’t move an inch. It was as if he was scared if he moved it would disappear. Stan didn’t see a thing out of place, and he had spent five damn hours memorizing the stupid place. He got up from his hiding spot and crept up behind Mike for a better view, but Mike was just looking at the kids’ section, where some stuffed animals had fallen on the floor.

Stan had enough. His patience only went to far and he needed to know what was making Mike so nervous.

“What are you looking at?”

Mike jumped a foot in the air, tripping over himself in his haste to turn around. He clutched the books he was carrying to his chest and blinked up at Stan in shock.

“Stan! When did you get here? You scared me half to death!”

“What are you looking at?” Stan repeated impatiently. “Why did you look so scared earlier?”

“What?” Mike asked, “I wasn’t looking at – were you following me?”

“You’re avoiding the question.”

“You are following me! What the hell, Stan?”

“Stop avoiding the question!” Stan snapped, “And tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong! I don’t know what you’re going on about, I’m still confused as to why you were following me in the first place?”

“Cut the shit, I know something is wrong, you’ve been acting weird for weeks. Now tell me so I can get it over with. Is someone bothering you? I can get Eddie to threaten them, he’s unsurprisingly devious, he could blackmail someone.”

“What? No! No one is bothering me, I’m fine.” Mike sputtered, standing up and placing the books on the table. “I was just – I just saw something I didn’t expect, that’s all.”

Stan narrowed his eyes. “You’re a terrible liar.”

Mike huffed in irritation. “I’m not lying!”

“You know I’m going to find out anyways, so save us both the time and tell me now. I will enlist Beverly if I have to.”

Mike scowled, internally fuming before he sighed out in defeat. “It’s nothing bad.”

Stan raised an eyebrow. “Really? Nothing bad, in this town?”

“Okay, that’s fair.” Mike said, “But it really isn’t, I don’t think so anyways. It might be? I don’t know enough yet.”

“You’re not making any sense. Explain,”

“I think something is trying to tell me something.” Mike paused and stared at Stan as if waiting for a reaction.

“Wow, thanks for that detailed explanation, I understand completely now.” Stan deadpanned.

“I’m sorry, I just really don’t know. Weird stuff has been going on around here, and I don’t know how to explain.”

“Start at the beginning,” Stan suggested. Mike sighed again, rubbing the back of his neck in thought. He and Stan sat down at the table they were standing next to, and Mike began to explain. He told Stan about how he heard a voice in the library one day, and how a stuffed turtle fell out of nowhere and his suspicions so far. Stan listened carefully, not interrupting until he was sure Mike was done and then said, “So, your problem is turtles and voices.”

“Basically, yeah,” Mike said. “When you say it like that it sounds stupid. But I swear I know something is happening, okay? Something is trying to tell us something and I don’t think it’s trying to say hi here. I think it might be a warning.”

“About turtles?”

“No, forget about the turtles for a second!” Mike said in exasperation. “Listen, we both know that what happened that summer isn’t over, not yet, and I think something is trying to warn us. Nothing happens in Derry that isn’t connected to It, and I bet that whatever this is, it’s about It too.”

Stan felt his heart freeze in his chest, his lungs suddenly shrinking up and dying. “We’re supposed to have twenty-seven years, it’s only been two years, It can’t be back.”

“No, It’s not back,” Mike assured him quickly. “But, Stan, do you ever think about how we stopped him? It shouldn’t have been possible, so why did it work for us? And comparatively, this was the lowest body count It ever had. Does that make a difference, somehow? What does that mean?”

“Stop,” Stan whispered. “Stop, what are you saying?”

“I don’t know, I don’t have enough information. That’s what I’m trying to tell you Stan, I think something is trying to help us figure it out. I just need more to go on.”

“We need to tell the others, why did you not tell us?”

“I don’t have enough proof, I can’t. I don’t want to scare everyone, not when things just started getting back to normal. I couldn’t ruin their happiness like that.”

“What about you?” Stan interrupted. “You shouldn’t have to do this alone. What about your happiness?”

Mike gave him a small, sad smile. “Someone has to, and it might as well be me. I was never going to have an easy life anyways.”

“Shut up,” Stan snapped angrily. “Don’t say shit like that. You deserve to be happy, and I’m not going to let you do this alone.”

“Stan, you don’t have to,”

“I said shut up, Mike.” Stan glared at him, ready to fight him on this. “I don’t have to do shit, but I’m doing it anyways, you self-sacrificing asshole. Why does everyone in this fucking friendship have to be such an idiot? It didn’t work with Bill and it’s not going to work with you.”

Mike looked at him for a moment, his face unreadable. Stan didn’t relent in his scowl and Mike’s expression slowly turned to one of relief and happiness. He beamed at Stan and Stan felt his own scowl melting a bit under it. As if he could ever leave one of his friends to suffer alone. He was terrified, yes, and he fucking knew that some shit was coming to fuck them over, but he wasn’t going to roll over and die. He was going to stay by his friends and he was going to fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regular posting should be coming soon. i'm a mess, i know, but i'm an honest mess so i mean it. And i dont know what fic this is from so im sorry but someone once said how victor looked like a walmart draco and my brain refuses to call him anything else bc that is fucking hilarious
> 
> Chapter title from the song toes by glass animals. weird name but good song


	12. am i naive to think that he could be the love of my life?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gayening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ones a little short, but since it's a momentous point in the story ;)))) i gave it a whole chapter. sit back and enjoy the gay, kids.
> 
> edit: asdfghjkl sorry i forgot to mention theres a homophobic slur so, chapter warning: homophobic slur

“And then he tried to say sorry for being a complicit dumbass! After all the shit they used to pull on us, can you believe it?” Eddie ranted as he paced around Richie’s room. Richie was nodding along, lying upside down on the bed, his head tilted over the end of it to watch Eddie storm around. He had a comic book on his stomach which he had been reading when Eddie burst in, red faced and scowling.

“And then! And then he says that it wasn’t like we were fags, like if we were, we would’ve deserved it or something! What a fucking asshole, I should’ve kicked him in the dick, why didn’t I do that? I’m going to kick him in the dick if I see him again, I swear to god. Who says sorry for being a bullying dumbass and then continues to be a bullying dumbass in the next second? God, what a shit stain of a human being. So, I told him, I said that he was still a giant bag of dicks and he didn’t know the meaning of an apology, which is supposed to be a hey, sorry I was a shitty person, I won’t do said shitty things again, not a hey, I’m still a shitty person but I want a guilt free conscience so sorry except not really because fuck you. Jesus Christ, it’s not that hard of a concept to understand, what fucking part confuses people? God, I fucking hate everybody.”

Eddie huffed out another angry sigh, turning around to face Richie, who was grinning widely up at him. Eddie scowl deepened, and he bit out, “What are you smiling at?”

“Nothing,” Richie said through his shit eating grin.

“Obviously, it’s something or you wouldn’t be smiling. Is it because I said I’d kick his ass because I would, and I will.”

Richie shook his head, still beaming at Eddie. “No, I’m not laughing at you, I swear.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, “Sure, Richie, and I’m the pope. I don’t regret telling him off, he deserved it, that piece of shit.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Eddie stopped, mouth still open and stared at Richie in shock. He closed his mouth, but he couldn’t think of anything to say, he couldn’t think of anything at all.

Richie sat up and rearranged himself, so he was sitting cross-legged on the edge of the bed, still facing Eddie.

“Sorry, you don’t have to, but I just had to ask. Eds, do you realize what you just did? You just told Victor to go fuck himself for being a homophobic asshole.”

Eddie stared at Richie blankly, half his brain still not working and the other half panicking because holy shit yes, he did, and that is going to come back to bite him in the ass. He didn’t want to think about that, he didn’t want to think about it because what if Victor told someone and they found out he supported gays and then people would think he was gay and what if his mom heard about it?

“Eddie,” Richie said, getting up and grabbing onto his shoulders. Eddie looked up into his eyes, his heartbeat suddenly pounding in his ears. “You totally kicked his ass, and you don’t even see it! Man, I wish I’d been there to see it, his fucking face when you told him to fuck off must’ve been hilarious.”

Richie babbled on excitedly, but Eddie had stopped listening. Richie still liked him. He knew that, distantly in the rational part of his brain that reminded him how Richie promised to wait, but Richie had never mentioned it again. In a way, Eddie was relieved to hear it, he felt warm just thinking about how the boy he liked still liked him, still wanted to kiss him, and still somehow was willing to wait until Eddie said so. He looked at his friend ramble and fondness curled up in his chest, willing his shoulders to relax under Richie’s hands.

And maybe it was too soon to say, but Eddie stood up for gay people, and himself however indirectly it was, and the world didn’t end. Victor could tell someone, but he’d have to admit how he got his ass served to him by a fourteen-year old, and he doubted Victor would do that. It didn’t seem so scary now. Eddie called out a homophobic asshole and he was still standing here, safe with his best friend.

“Okay,” he interrupted Richie, who paused to glance at him in confusion.

“Okay, what?” Richie asked.

“Okay, you can kiss me.” Eddie said. His voice was quiet, but it didn’t waver and seeing Richie’s shocked expression made pride swell up in his chest. A smile tugged at his mouth at Richie’s dumbfounded face.

“Um, what?” Richie squeaked out.

“I said, you can kiss me.” Eddie repeated. “But if you don’t want to,” he started to pull back from Richie, but Richie’s hands held tight to his shoulders.

Richie made an outraged sound, tugging Eddie back to him, “No, no, I didn’t say that. I very much want to.”

Eddie grinned at Richie. Why did he think this was scary? It was still Richie, still his best friend and their teasing banter. It felt right, being close to Richie and not worrying if he was too close, if he was doing something that might accidentally give away his feelings. There was no one else here, just him and Richie, like always.

“Are you teasing me?” Richie spluttered out, “Oh, my god, you are! Don’t play with me like this, Eddie, my heart can’t take it.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Jesus, Rich, I’m not getting any younger over here.”

“Is this a joke because I will cry on you, Eds, I’m not even kidding here,” Richie babbled on, and Eddie laughed, grabbing a fistful of Richie’s t-shirt, and pulling him down so Eddie could reach him.

“Shut up and kiss me already,” Eddie demanded through a smile. Richie was a breath away, and his wide eyes were staring into Eddie’s. Eddie’s other hand came up to Richie’s jaw, guiding his mouth to his.

It wasn’t anything special, just a press of lips, but the warmth that spread through Eddie was a feeling that Eddie would never want to forget. Richie was soft and pliant underneath him, and it wasn’t until Eddie’s hand slid to his hair to tug on it lightly that Richie jolted into action. He kissed Eddie back insistently, as if he was afraid if he didn’t do it now, he’d never get to again. His hands came up to cup Eddie’s face, and his glassed slid down his nose to bump against Eddie’s gently. Eddie couldn’t find it in himself to be annoyed, he was filled to the brim with elation and nothing could bring him down right now, not with Richie so close to him.

They broke away when Eddie couldn’t keep his grin down to kiss back. His eyes opened to find Richie already looking at him, eyes full of something soft, something close to awe.

“What was that for?” Richie asked softly. His hands still cradled Eddie close and Eddie was content to stay there.

“You asked,” Eddie teased him, He was still grinning when Richie leant forward to kiss him quickly, as if he couldn’t help it. “Rich?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you still like me?” he asked quickly, just for peace of mind.

Richie looked at him like he was nuts, “Eddie, there is literally nothing that could change how I feel about you. Of course, I still like you.”

“You still want to date me?” he asked persistently. “Even if we can’t tell anybody?”

“Of course, I do.” Richie stated firmly. “I don’t care who knows, I just want you.”

Eddie had to pull him down into another kiss for that, he was so filled with affection for the boy in front of him, he needed to do something to show that. He’d kiss Richie happily for the rest of time, he thought. He didn’t think he’d be able to stop himself now. The feeling of Richie’s lips on his was too addicting to give up. Eddie knew he was fucked, but he was a hundred percent fine with that. Being stuck with Richie didn’t sound bad at all, it sounded like a dream.

“Okay,” Eddie whispered when he pulled away. “We can take it slow, right?”

Richie nodded enthusiastically, a grin taking over his face. “As slow as you want,” he confirmed. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“That goes both ways, you know. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, either.”

Richie kissed his cheek and forehead, beaming at Eddie. “Yeah, I know.”

“So, we’re doing this?”

“Yeah, we’re really doing this,” Richie assured him. “Are you okay with that?”

Eddie looked at Richie fondly, his best friend, his crush, his whatever the hell this was (Boyfriend? Partner?), and he knew that it couldn’t stay just the two of them in a bubble forever, but right now, this was perfect. This felt like home.

“I’m more than okay,” Eddie promised.

 

 

Dating Richie wasn’t all that different than being his best friend. They did the same things, they still bickered insistently, much to their friends’ exasperation, they still read comic books and rode bikes together. Richie had always been starved for attention, and Eddie allowed him to shower him in physical affection, at first reluctant but now he was just as physically affectionate as Richie.  They just kissed each other now. They kissed good morning, they kissed when Richie sneaked through his window at night, or when Eddie slept over, they kissed each other goodnight. Eddie grew less and less concerned if someone saw them with each shared kiss. They were innocent, sweet little pecks but Eddie loved them. Richie did not hold back anything, happy to kiss Eddie whenever they were alone, and if they were with others, he’d kiss his hand, or his cheek or forehead. That wasn’t new for them either, but the sly grin Richie gave him after was.

Eddie always knew they weren’t the typical example of childhood friends. They were too physically affectionate for that, but all the Losers were so close that it didn’t stick out as anything odd. Eddie knew other friends didn’t hold hands or sleep curled up together at night, but he always dismissed it as Richie being Richie and how they were comfortable with each other, so nothing was awkward between them. Now, he thought that past Eddie was really grasping onto straws to explain away their friendship. It was obvious now that he wouldn’t do half the things he did with Richie with Bill or Bev or any of the others. It wasn’t that he didn’t love them any less or was uncomfortable with them, it just wasn’t how their relationship worked. He’d hug Bill, sure, and they held hands as kids and slept in the same bed at sleepovers, but that paled in comparison to how Eddie felt when Richie hugged him close.

Eddie didn’t know if they were _dating_ but they were together. He didn’t think any of the things they did would be considered dates, since they went to get food or to the movies before this. Eddie didn’t really expect anything if he was honest. They couldn’t exactly display their relationship out in public or go on dates. Eddie was okay with it. Being with Richie was enough for him.

He just assumed Richie felt the same way about dates as he did, but one day, two weeks before school was due to start, Richie flopped down next to Eddie on his bed and said, “Do you want to go on dates and stuff?”

Eddie blinked up at him from his well-loved automobile book Richie had bought him, “What?”

“Does it bug you that we don’t go on dates, even though we’re technically dating?” Richie repeated. His glasses were slipping down his nose from his jumping on the bed and Eddie reached up and righted them absentmindedly. Richie caught his hand and gave it a quick kiss, a silent thank you.

“Not really,” Eddie told him honestly. “It’s not like we could, anyway.”

Richie frowned, still holding onto Eddie’s hand. “Doesn’t that bother you?”

“What? That we can’t go on dates?” He nodded, and Eddie shrugged. “No, it’s not like I could change it so why bother thinking about it?”

Richie frowned at him, his grip tightening slightly on Eddie’s hand. “But you should be able to, we should be able to. It’s stupid that we can’t because other people are shit heads.”

“Rich, there’s no point to being mad about it, we can’t go on dates, so what? I like being with you, I don’t care about dates. I don’t expect anything.”

“You deserve dates,” Richie said quietly. “You deserve nice things, to be able to go on dates in public and not be scared.”

Eddie’s free hand clasped Richie’s between them. “I don’t care about dates, Richie, I care about you. It doesn’t matter if we can’t go on dates because you like me, right?” Richie nodded. “And I like you. Being with you is enough, Rich. It’s more than enough.”

Richie looked at him for a moment longer, wide eyes unusually somber. He leaned in to kiss Eddie softly. Their foreheads touched after they parted, remaining close enough to kiss again.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” Richie said reverently. Eddie blushed furiously, and he couldn’t hold back his bashful but pleased smile. “I don’t know how I got you.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, “You crushed my sandcastle in first grade, you idiot.”

Richie grinned. “And you threw sand in my face.”

“You deserved it, that thing took forever to make.”

He laughed, still close enough that Eddie could feel his huff of air. “It was an accident!”

“Yeah, sure it was Tozier.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "using you" by mars argo


	13. finally lovers knew no shame, turning and returning to some secret place inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hypothetically speaking,” Richie suddenly blurted out. Bev glanced up from where she was looking at her aunt’s fashion magazines and raised an eyebrow. “If I were to ask Eddie on a date, where would we go? It’s not like we can go out on the town without getting the shit kicked out of us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen i'm not saying that it's the calm before the storm but its totally the calm before the storm. enjoy the fluff while it lasts. i rewrote this so many times and im not sure im happy with it tbh ill go back and edit maybe but ive read it so many times that words dont make sense anymore so im posting it. sorry.
> 
> no chapter trigger warnings

“Hypothetically speaking,” Richie suddenly blurted out. Bev glanced up from where she was looking at her aunt’s fashion magazines and raised an eyebrow. “If I were to ask Eddie on a date, where would we go? It’s not like we can go out on the town without getting the shit kicked out of us.”

Bev narrowed her eyes. “Why are you asking? Did you ask him out?”

“No! I said hypothetically, Bev, keep up.”

“Sure, hypothetically,” Bev hummed, her suspicious stare fading into a smirk. “I don’t know, honestly. It sucks that you can’t go out in public, but that doesn’t mean you can’t date. Plenty of dates can be at a private place, depends on the activity, I guess.”

“What activities, specifically, are you talking about? Movies? We watch movies all the time, aren’t dates supposed to be special or some shit? Hypothetically, I mean.”

“Well, hypothetically, I would say that maybe not a movie for a first date. Something more meaningful, maybe, like dinner? You realize I’ve never dated anyone either, right?”

“Yeah, but aren’t you supposed to know these things? Aren’t girls all ape shit for sentimental crap?”

She kicked his shin, “Don’t be sexist.”

“Okay, I deserved that, but ow.”

“If you want sentimental, I’d ask Bill or Ben. They love that shit.”

Richie heaved out a protesting groan. “No! If I ask them, they’d want to know why, and I don’t want to explain the whole thing. Just give me ideas here, Beverly.”

Bev rolled her eyes and sighed, “You sure are insistent about this hypothetical situation.”

“Well, if I ever ask him out, I’d need to have a plan. I’m planning ahead.”

“You’re awful at planning ahead.”

“Which is why I’m asking you about hypothetically planning a date with Eddie.” Richie replied, “Which, you are also not helping me with.”

“Oh, shut it, drama queen.” Bev huffed. “You know Eddie better than any of us, what would he like, hypothetically, for a date? Does he like sentimental shit? Does he think it’s lame? I don’t fucking know.”

“He likes sentimental shit, but he won’t act like he does because he’s Eddie.” He told her immediately. “But he also hates things that are too sentimental that they seem fake and dumb.”

“Well, there you go,” Bev drawled out.

“That doesn’t help me at all.”

“Jesus Christ. Okay, let’s go with some cliché stuff. Candle light dinner? Star gazing? What do people do in romantic movies? Watch the sunset? You’re a dramatic person, shouldn’t you be good at planning dramatic shit like this?”

“Bev, please, I’m dramatic, not cheesy.”

“That’s a lie.”

“Don’t call me out, I didn’t come here to be attacked.”

“I’m going to strangle you and you won’t have to worry about your hypothetical date. Can we stop saying hypothetical now? It’s giving me a headache.”

“Yeah, I fucking hate that word anyway.”

 

 

The new school year began as it always did, with the Losers meeting up at the bike stands and dreading their classes. Since it was such a small school, they had most of the same classes, except for electives. Eddie was taking workshop again, but this time he’d hopefully get to build something. Bev was taking it with him, mostly because didn’t particularly care for any other elective and at least in workshop she’d get to use a chainsaw. Richie, Bill, and Ben were all in drama, and Mike and Stan were taking music this year. Those were the only classes any of the Losers were looking forward to. They weren’t seen so much as a social pariah this year, but Eddie knew that would change in an instant if he and Richie were ever found out. It made him nauseous to think about, but Eddie knew there was no point dwelling on it. He wouldn’t trade what he had with Richie for the world, and he hoped that someday they’d move to a place that wouldn’t care either way who he loved. Until then, he’d keep quiet and bear through it.

After the first week of school, the Losers piled on Bill’s couch downstairs to complain about their classes and teachers. Bill had been quieter today, and Eddie couldn’t pin down why. The anniversary had passed without much fuss this year. They didn’t acknowledge it, but unanimously showed up at Bill’s house for a sleepover. That was weeks ago now and Eddie didn’t know if that was why Bill seemed sad or if something else had happened. When they were about to put on the first movie of the night, Eddie nudged Bill’s arm and waited until Bill looked over to ask.

“Are you okay? You seem bummed out,” he asked it quietly, but the rest of the Losers stopped what they were doing to glance over. They had probably all noticed Bill’s sour mood and were just as worried as Eddie was.

“I’m f-f-fine.” Bill sighed, looking down at his hands. “I j-just – sometimes it hits me out of n-nowhere, you know? T-that G-Georgie will never g-get to experience any of t-this stuff. Never go t-to high school, n-never g-get to have movie nights with his f-friends, or g-grow up.”

Eddie grabbed Bill’s hand, squeezing tightly. Bill squeezed back and managed a small smile. Eddie leaned against his side, and the other Losers came over to dogpile around Bill, all squished together on the couch with at least one limb touching Bill.

“I w-wonder what he’d l-look l-like now,” Bill mumbled softly. “D-do you t-think he’d c-changed m-much?”

“I bet he’d be taller than you,” Richie joked. “He’d be intolerable about it.”

Bill chuckled. “Yeah, p-probably.”

“He’d love school,” Eddie mused. “He’d be such a little nerd.”

“He’d love Mike,” Stan added. “He’d be in the library with him all the time.”

Bill grinned, a bittersweet glint to his eyes. “He’d b-bug you all t-the t-time, Mike, he l-loved b-books. And he’d b-be s-scared of B-Bev at f-first, b-but he’d l-love her as s-soon as he s-saw her s-slingshot.”

“Of course, who wouldn’t love my slingshot?” Bev scoffed playfully. “I’d be his favorite.”

“What! No way, I’d be his favorite!” Rich protested, “The little guy and I would pull so many pranks on your asses.”

“Oh, god, no,” Eddie said. “Two of you is the last thing we’d need.”

“Rude,” Richie grumbled through the Losers’ laughter, but he was smiling too. Bill was laughing as well, something that soothed the others to hear. As their unspoken leader, Bill was always the responsible one, the one they went to when they need help or comfort. He was such an optimist it was easy to forget that he’d been through so much in the last few years. Most days, he was his happy self, but on the days where the past caught up to him, the Losers were always there to be a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a distraction or whatever Bill needed.

Eddie still wished they’d somehow been able to save Georgie. Georgie had been Bill’s whole world and Eddie knew he felt the aching emptiness where Georgie used to be every day. Eddie wished he could take the pain away. He didn’t think Bill would let him, if he could, anyway. Bill held onto the memory of his brother closely. He wouldn’t want to forget Georgie, even if it meant being in pain for the rest of his life, just like the other Losers wouldn’t want to give up on each other, even if it meant having the weight of It lifted off their shoulders.

For the rest of the night, instead of putting on any movies, they exchanged stories of Georgie. Naturally, Bill, Stan, Richie, and Eddie had the most stories, but Bev knew Georgie from volunteering at the elementary school and Mike had always seen Georgie on Saturday mornings at the park on his delivery route. Mike said Georgie always waved hello to him. It was good to see Bill smile again. Eddie was suddenly relieved that he had forced the others to get Bill out of the sewers before the bodies had floated down. At least Bill had this, even if It tried to use Georgie’s image against Bill, he still had good memories of his brother. Georgie was remembered as a sweet, energetic kid, easy to laugh and eager to help, not as a victim, as a mangled body. Eddie had that memory, that image of Georgie’s corpse in his head, but he’d gladly carry that with him for the rest of his life than have that be Bill’s last memory of his brother.

 

 

Eddie turned fifteen on a Sunday. He was allowed outside this year, and he spent the day at the quarry with his friends. It was getting too cold to go swimming, so they stuck to the shore. Eddie didn’t expect any presents, it was a gift to him that he was allowed out anyway, and none of them had any money of their own. Instead, they went to the Aladdin at the end of the day and the Losers pooled their money together to buy his ticket and a milkshake.

Of course, Richie, being Richie, surprised him after they had all split up to walk home. Richie always tried to get Eddie a small gift, and Eddie gave him one for his birthday as well. Eddie was expecting this, but he did not expect Richie to pull him in the opposite direction of his house and insist his present was somewhere else.

“Where are we going?” Eddie asked as Richie practically bounced in place at his side. “If you push me into the quarry again, I swear to god Richie,”

“No, I already did that, that’d be boring.” Richie grinned at him, “Just wait, we’re almost there.”

There turned out to be the Losers newly named clubhouse. Eddie dug in his heels as soon as he saw it, refusing to move forward.

“No, I am not going in there,” Eddie said as Richie tried to drag him towards it.

“I got rid of the rats!” Richie protested. “It’s totally fine now!”

“And the possum? And the spiders? And the dust?” Eddie snapped irritably. “I’m not going in there, so I can get some fucking disease and die before my next birthday.”

“I cleaned up everything!”

“ _You_ cleaned? Yeah, right.”

“Hey, rude, I know how to clean, I just choose not to.”

“That’s worse.”

“Oh my god, Eds, I’m not going to traumatize you on your birthday by ambushing you with rats. I got rid of the rats a while ago, ask Bill, I’ve been cleaning it for weeks now.”

“Weeks? That’s not comforting.”

“Eddie, oh my god, I’m going to drag you there if it’s the last thing I do, so can we skip this part?”

“I will kick you in the dick.”

“You wouldn’t, you love my dick.”

“ _Beep beep Richie!”_

Richie cackled, using both hands now to slowly drag Eddie to the porch. Eddie noticed that the hole in the sidings was patched up, so the possum couldn’t get back in. He relaxed fractionally, allowing Richie to yank him up the steps to the front door. Richie was grinning at him, glasses slightly crooked on his face, and he hardly wasted a moment. He threw open the door, dragging Eddie inside before he could decide if he was going to kick Richie or not and quickly closed the door after them.

The first thing Eddie noticed was that trash and clutter had been cleaned away. The wood floors looked swept and as if they had been recently mopped. The ceiling lights weren’t turned on, but there were small lanterns scattered around the room, one on the small kitchen table, one on the coffee table in front of the couch, and another on the small table next to the front door. The kitchen looked polished and most importantly sanitary, and the bookcase on the left wall had been sorted, old papers and water stained books thrown out and the newly dusted books rearranged neatly on the shelves. The holes in the walls made by the rats were boarded up and the old shutters on the windows were closed tight.

Eddie stepped hesitantly closer to the center of the room, gaping at the clean room. There was a hallway to the left, that probably led to a small bedroom and bathroom (that didn’t work anymore, if Eddie had to guess) and a closet at the end of it. The door had been left halfway open and Eddie could see cleaning supplies stocked inside.

He turned back to Richie, genuinely shocked. Eddie figured they’d eventually clean the clubhouse and make use of it, but he didn’t expect Richie to be the one to do most of the work.

Richie was looking back at him, half nervous and half excited. “So? Does it pass inspection Doctor K? No mold or disease-ridden animals?”

“How did you do all of this?” Eddie asked.

“Bill helped me with the rats and possum, and once they were gone, Stan and Bev helped us with the cleaning. Mike patched up the holes and stuff, Ben got the lanterns and I got a new lock and key for the front door. The window locks were fine though, so those stayed.” Richie rattled off anxiously. His fingers were tugging at his sleeves, and he was watching Eddie carefully, as if waiting for a reaction.

“Why are we here? What does this have to do with my present.”

“Well, this is sort of your present.” Richie said. “I know you hate being home, and you’re always welcome at any of the Losers’ houses, of course, but I thought you’d maybe like a place to be alone, one your mom doesn’t know about. And Mike checked the records for this house, it’s technically off the map and no one owns it, so. I don’t know how he did that and honestly I think it’s best not to ask, because he’s frighteningly good at finding shit like this and I feel like maybe it wasn’t entirely legal but I’m not sure.”

When Eddie didn’t say anything, too overwhelmed to think of any words, Richie rambled on when Eddie didn’t speak.

“And I know you said that you were fine with no dates and everything, but I thought maybe you’d be okay with a place besides our bedrooms where we can be without hiding? We can’t do much here, but it’s something you know? And honestly, anything with you is fun anyways and I don’t really care what we do as long as we _can_ do something.”

Eddie blinked at Richie, utterly lost for words. His chest felt tight and his eyes were prickling with the beginning of tears. He blinked them back, but Richie had noticed the sheen to his eyes and was already backpedaling.

“Or, we could just totally burn this place down right now if you don’t like it, I am totally fine with that. Why are you upset? What did I do? Do you want to leave, we can leave?”

“Richie, shut up.” Eddie managed to say. “I’m not – I’m not upset.”

“You’re about to cry.”

“Shut up, no I’m not. I have allergies.”

“There’s no pollen or bees in here,”

“Richie, shut up, I’m trying to say something.” Eddie snapped.

“You’re not saying anything though,”

“I would if you would just shut the fuck up and give me a second here,” Eddie glared at him and Richie’s mouth shut with an audible click of his teeth. Eddie took a breath, trying to find the words and failing. “I’m not upset, I promise, I’m just – I don’t fucking know, overwhelmed I guess. I can’t believe you did all of this. I can’t – this is the best thing anyone has ever done for me.”

Richie’s shoulders slumped with relief, “Oh, thank god, I did not want to be arrested for arson.”

Eddie shook his head, “You didn’t have to do all of this, Rich, I don’t even know what to say.”

“Um, Richie you’re the best and hottest boyfriend ever? That sounds good to me.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, a smile tugging at his mouth without his permission. He stepped towards Richie, wrapping his arms around his waist in a hug. Richie responded immediately arms coming around to hold him back.

“So, do you like it?” Richie pressed persistently.

“Yes, you idiot, I love it.” Eddie mumbled into Richie’s shirt. “Thank you.”

“No problem, Eds.” Richie kissed the side of his head and Eddie pulled back to draw him into a real kiss.

“I still can’t believe you did this,” Eddie said as they pulled apart. “You didn’t have to do all of this, I meant what I said.”

“I know you did.” Richie shrugged. “But you’re my Eds and you deserve everything so if I can give you this, I will.”

He said it so simply, Eddie thought. Richie was always one to throw a hundred and ten percent of himself in something he cared about. He pretended not to, but he had the biggest heart that Eddie had ever seen. Eddie, not for the first time, thought about how he was so lucky to know Richie, to be his friend and be the person he chose to be with. Eddie wasn’t used to feeling so _cherished_ , so _loved_. His mother’s love had been suffocating and controlling. He had been a glass doll trapped in a locked house. This was nothing like that. This was freeing. He felt like he could do anything if he had Richie at his side. Eddie didn’t know what would happen in the future, but for once he didn’t care. He was perfectly fine living in this moment for the rest of his life.

“You’re the best person in the world, you know that right?” Eddie finally said. Richie looked surprised for a moment, before a slight blush creeped up on his cheeks.

“That’s not right, because you’re the best person in the world and there can’t be two best people in the world.”

“No, I’m always right so you’re the best person.” Eddie cut him off quickly. “That’s law now. Richie Trashmouth Tozier, the best person in the world.”

Richie still looked a little surprised, but he grinned down at Eddie all the same. “Law, huh? I guess I can’t argue that then.”

“No, you can’t so shut up and kiss me.”

Richie grinned and did just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall ever think about georgie and cry? Also this is super unrelated but i just finished the main story in dragon age inquisition, yes i know its been out forever im poor okay, and am i super bitter and want to rewrite the whole storyline bc im that petty? yes. will i? fuck no. but that story is going to haunt me for the rest of my life, this is fallout 4 all over again.
> 
> Chapter title: take my breath away by berlin


	14. whenever i'm alone with you, you make me feel like i am whole again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They had talked about this before, they must’ve talked about it a million times, but every time Eddie thought he was ready to tell his friends, he panicked and backed out. He knew that Richie wanted to tell them, if it was up to Richie he would’ve done it when they were fourteen, but he never protested, not even once. Eddie wanted to come out to his friends, he hated hiding Richie, and now he felt guilty for making Richie wait so long. Richie had told him he didn’t care when they told them, that it was up to Eddie, but Eddie knew he was disappointed each time Eddie couldn’t do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo its been a while i know. i was all set to post but there was a family emergency and everything just went to shit tbh. but i wanted to let you guys know and not leave you hanging but i also wanted to give you an update so you wouldnt see a new chapter and be like sweet and then its just me rambling excuses. soooo basically this chapter could be better is what im trying to say but i dont have the motivation to make it better. I dont want to say much about it but there was a death in the family and i really dont have the energy or time to write for at least a few weeks. i'll try of course but i can't guarantee anything until at least after the funeral. so sorry about that but thank you in advance for your patience and understanding.
> 
> chapter warning: homophobic language, brief discussion of someone being the victim of a hate crime (a dude gets beat up for being gay) but nothing too graphic.

Eddie loved Richie, honestly. He loved his annoying mom jokes, he loved his oversized glasses, his infuriating dick jokes, his loud laugh. In his eyes, Richie could do anything he set his mind to. Of course, Eddie would never tell Richie any of this or Richie would hold it over his head for the rest of his life, but he truly believed he lucked out when Richie kissed him that first time at the lake.

Eddie, however, did not consider Richie learning to drive as a thing that would make him lose faith in his boyfriend. But goddammit, he was really fucking close to beating Richie senseless if he did not pull over _right fucking now_.

“I swear to fucking god,” Eddie yelled. He was clutching at the side of his seat and had one arm braced against the passenger side door. “If you don’t let me out of this fucking thing, I am going to kick your ass.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Richie dismissed, utterly at ease behind the wheel of the slightly beat up used car he had helped his parents pay for on his sixteenth birthday. “I’m a great driver.”

“Whoever issued you a license probably only did it out of fear for their life, so you would let them out of your car.” Eddie snapped back. Richie laughed, taking one hand off the wheel to reach over and grab at Eddie’s hand.

“Don’t take your hand off the fucking wheel!” Eddie screeched, smacking Richie’s hand away frantically. “I’m going to murder you, Richie, pull over!”

“Aww, Eds, I’m not that bad.”

“I will not kiss you for a whole fucking month, don’t fucking test me Tozier.”

Richie slammed on the brakes, quickly pulling to the side of the road and parking. He turned back to face Eddie, who was sure that all the blood had left his face out of pure terror and was still clutching to the seat and door.

“Are you kidding, I can’t tell if you’re kidding.”

“I hate you,” Eddie said through clenched teeth. “I’m going to throw up.”

“I’m not even that bad!” Richie protested. “My mom only screamed like twice on the drive back from the DMV.”

“Your poor mother,” Eddie gradually eased his grip and started to pry his hand off the door handle.

“You guys are no fun,” Richie sulked. “Bill said I drive fine. Even Stan agreed with him!”

“Bill is too nice for his own good and Stan has a death wish, he doesn’t count.”

Richie rolled his eyes, looking both irritated and fond as he glanced over at Eddie and offered his hand again. Eddie took it warily. “Babe, I was going like forty miles per hour, that’s nothing.”

Eddie glared at him. “Yeah, forty fucking miles per hour is a fucking walk in the park.”

Richie grinned and leaned over the center console, tugging Eddie’s hand to his mouth and pressing a soft kiss there. “I’ll drive slower, I promise.”

“That’s a lie,”

“Maybe,” Richie conceded, still grinning wildly. “Come on, Eds, I finally got my license, let me celebrate a bit.”

“By dying?”

“No, by taking my boyfriend out for a drive and making out with him in my car.” He corrected, pulling on Eddie’s arm until Eddie reluctantly leaned forward. Richie met him in the middle, kissing him sweetly on the mouth and forehead. “You’re adorable when you’re angry.”

“I’m serious about no kissing for a month,” Eddie threatened. Richie scoffed.

“Like you could go without me for that long.”

“You think too highly of yourself.” Eddie said dryly. Richie laughed, leaning forward, and pressing kisses on Eddie’s face as if to prove his point. Eddie, despite himself, could feel his scowl easing into a fond expression.

“Are you sure?” Richie insisted, kissing Eddie’s nose. “Are you really, really sure?”

“Fuck off,” Eddie grumbled, ignoring Richie’s smug expression, and getting a real kiss. When he pulled back, he glanced at the time on the dash worriedly.

“What time are we supposed to meet the others?” He asked.

“Not until two,” Richie told him, playing idly with Eddie’s fingers. Eddie let him, knowing Richie always had to fidget with something or he’d get anxious. “We got time.”

“Yeah, we should have plenty if you keep speeding like that.” Eddie rolled his eyes when Richie only laughed. “I have to be home by six, remember?”

Richie made a face, “Don’t remind me. Is your mom still mad at you?”

“She always is,” Eddie sighed. “She’ll get over it, probably.” Sonia had caught him sneaking out and he’d been grounded for two months now. She was barely letting him hang out with his friends during the day now that it was summer, but he couldn’t stay out past six except on Fridays when the Losers all slept over at Bill’s. Eddie had played the good son role for weeks and practically had to beg to even get that much.

“Two more years,” Richie reminded him gently, “Then we can leave.”

“You can,” Eddie glared down at their hands, the well-known anger towards his mother rising again. “She won’t let me get a job, how am I supposed to go anywhere when I have no cash?”

“Hey,” Richie lifted one hand and gently ran it through Eddie’s hair. “You know I’m not leaving without you. You don’t have money now, but maybe your mom will let you get a job next year, and if she doesn’t then so what? We can live in my car for all I care, as long as I got my Eds and we leave this shit hole.”

Eddie felt fondness bloom up in his chest, warm and comforting, as he looked at his best friend. “Don’t call me that,” he said, and Richie snorted out a laugh. At this point they both knew that was as good as an I love you from Eddie, but Eddie would die before he said that aloud. Richie would never let him hear the end of it.

“I was thinking,” Richie began to say.

“Oh, no,”

“Fuck you. Anyways, I was thinking that maybe we could tell them tonight? If you’re okay with it?”

Eddie sat up straight, so he could look at Richie better. They had talked about this before, they must’ve talked about it a million times, but every time Eddie thought he was ready to tell his friends, he panicked and backed out. He knew that Richie wanted to tell them, if it was up to Richie he would’ve done it when they were fourteen, but he never protested, not even once. Eddie wanted to come out to his friends, he hated hiding Richie, and now he felt guilty for making Richie wait so long. Richie had told him he didn’t care when they told them, that it was up to Eddie, but Eddie knew he was disappointed each time Eddie couldn’t do it. Seeing Richie unhappy but pretending not to be for Eddie’s sake made Eddie even more guilt ridden. Eddie hated that he was making Richie miserable, and he hated that Richie never got angry at him. Somehow, if Richie yelled at him, it’d feel better, make Eddie feel less pathetic. But Richie never got mad, he never yelled at Eddie, never rushed him for anything. He was so gentle and patient in everything they did, and Eddie loved him for it, but he was terrified that Richie would get sick of waiting, sick of him. Eddie just wanted Richie to be happy and he wanted to not hate himself so much.

“Tonight?” Eddie squeaked. “Like, in two hours tonight?”

“Yeah,” Richie grabbed both of Eddies hands in his. “All the Losers will be at Bill’s, it’ll be like ripping off a Band-Aid.”

Eddie could already feel himself panicking and he saw the moment Richie also sensed it. Richie pulled Eddie in for a hug, “We don’t have to.”

“I want to,” Eddie mumbled into his chest. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he held Eddie tighter, “I know it’s scary, I’m not mad if you don’t want to, Eds.”

“You should be,”

“That’s dumb, I thought you were the smart one. If it makes you panic, then I don’t want to.”

“I can’t help it,” Eddie could already feel the self-hatred rear its ugly head. _Pathetic, can’t even tell your friends, what a fucking coward._

“Eddie,” Richie called to him. Eddie blinked back into focus, knowing that it probably wasn’t the first time Richie had said his name. He nodded to tell Richie that he was back, he was fine. “Baby, you’re thinking too much. It’s just our friends, half of them already know we’re gay.”

Eddie flinched at the word. He still couldn’t say it out loud.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay Eds,” Richie kissed the top of his head. “We’re okay.”

 

 

Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about it.

He knew he was acting off, he had completely tuned out his friends and their surroundings and retreated inside his head. Richie had already asked him twice if he wanted to leave but Eddie shook his head no. Richie was too good to him, he deserved better than Eddie and his barely functional brain. Eddie should just spit it out already. His friends hadn’t left him yet, not even when he lost his fucking mind when they were fourteen. If they still loved him even when he completely checked out and scared them, then this would be nothing to them. They took care of him after that time, still took care of him if he was being honest, and they never once said anything that would indicate they felt burdened by him. They were good people, probably the best people in the fucking world and they wouldn’t care if he was gay, they’d still love him, he _knew this_.

Why was this so fucking hard to say?

Eddie thought back to the story on the news last week, a reporting that said a twenty-year old gay man was beat up and left for dead in an alleyway near a club. Eddie had seen it on TV with his mother and she shook her head and tsked, saying “That’s what he deserves, that’s what he gets for being a faggot.” And Eddie had sat there and said nothing. He had wondered if that boy had a mother like his, if his family hated him, if anyone showed up at the hospital he was in to visit him. Was he loved? Did anyone care that he was beaten in the streets? Did he have someone to come home to, who couldn’t get into the hospital because they weren’t family and they weren’t married because they can’t be married.

“Eds,” Richie’s voice called to him gently. He felt himself slowly floating back into awareness, feeling heavy and like he was covered in wool. He blinked, and Richie stared back at him, holding his face, and patting the side of his face gently. “You with me? Come on, Eds, come back.”

Eddie blinked again, looking around the room. The other Losers were crowded behind Richie, obviously wanting to move closer but giving him space to breathe.

“Eddie,” Richie called him back and Eddie focused back on his face. “Can you hear me?”

It took Eddie a moment before he could nod, and Richie grinned at him. Eddie didn’t know why, but he was glad. He liked when Richie smiled.

“Are you okay?” Bill asked over Richie’s shoulder. He was watching Eddie anxiously, “We have s-some chamomile t-tea, if you n-need it.”

That, for some reason, was what broke Eddie’s resolve. Bill was the one who always brought a packet of chamomile tea for Eddie when they slept over at any of the other Loser’s house, because he knew Eddie always forgot. Such a small, simple thing, but it meant Bill loved him, still cared enough for him to remember ways to help him calm down at night. Bill was already standing up, asking if anyone else wanted some, and both Ben and Stan stood up to help. Mike asked if he should go get more blankets, knowing Eddie liked the pressure of heavy blankets on him while he slept. They loved him, they wouldn’t love him any less now. Bill already knew Eddie didn’t like girls, and he never treated Eddie different. The others would be the same. They’d probably be happy for him and Richie.

Bill and the others were back now, and Bill gently uncurled Eddie’s hands where they were clenched into fists and placed the cup of tea in them, making sure Eddie had a grip on it before he stepped back.

“I’m gay,” he blurted out. The others all stopped what they were doing, looking at him in surprise. His heart was beating so fast it was going to give out any second now. _Say something_ , he thought desperately _please say something_.

“I’m gay too,” Richie broke the quiet with his loud declaration. He was grinning, and the others looked over at him, and Eddie could’ve cried with relief that Richie took the attention off him.

Bev blinked, looking between the two, “Wait,” she said, “Are you – are you two together?”

Richie didn’t answer, only looked at Eddie. His eyes were bright, but the smile was slipping off his face. Eddie knew Richie was waiting for him to decide, that he wouldn’t be mad if Eddie said no, but he also knew he’d be so happy if Eddie said yes.

Eddie’s head jerked in a nod and the others all erupted into noise at once, making Eddie almost jump out of his skin. Bill came over to hug him, genuinely happy for him. Bev tackled Richie into a hug, yelling at him in both joy and anger.

“You little shit! I knew you were lying to me! I’d be mad but I’m so happy for you two idiots.” Bev said in a rush. Richie laughed.

“Since when?” Stan asked.

“Who asked out who? Wait, no, when? Tell us when!” Bev was jumping in her excitement.

“Like when we told each other or when we got together?” Richie asked.

“Both!” Stan and Bev said at once.

“Um, it maybe was that day at the quarry when you guys made us go there and then ditched us, not at all subtle by the way.” Richie confessed, already bracing for his friends’ smugness.

Bev smacked his shoulder, “That was forever ago! I can’t believe you were able to hide it for this long!”

“I won,” Stan said smugly, holding his hand out towards Mike and Ben. “Five bucks, thank you.”

“You took bets?” Eddie found his voice suddenly, his exasperation distracting him from his internal panic. “What the fuck?”

“Wait, who kissed who?” Bill asked.

“The first time or the time we got together?” Richie asked, and Bev spluttered.

“Well, shit,” Ben said. “Which one counts? Who won the bet?”

“I can’t believe this,” Eddie grumbled to himself as his friends’ attention lifted off him and they started to bicker on which kiss counted.

Richie plopped into the seat next to him, the most obnoxious and most beautiful smile on his face. He threw his arm over Eddie’s shoulders and plastered himself to Eddie’s side.

“Now I can do this whenever I want,” Richie told him excitedly.

“You did this before, you idiot.” Eddie rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, but now they know you’re my Eds,” Richie placed a smacking kiss on his cheek. “My cute little Eds.”

“Don’t call me that!”

“Ugh, now they’re going to be even more obvious,” Stan said, wrinkling his nose. “Keep it in your pants, Tozier.”

“Stan, please, I finally get to kiss Eddie in public, don’t ruin this for me.”

“I still t-think the k-kiss when they g-got together counts,” Bill was mumbling.

“Oh my god, fine.” Bev threw her hands up in exasperation. “Who was it then?”

“Eddie,” Richie said.

“Ha! Pay up, l-losers!” Bill shouted, raising his hand up in triumph.

“Goddammit Richie,” Bev scowled as she dug in her pocket for money. “Why couldn’t you have done it?”

“I never d-doubted you, Eddie.” Bill told him, grinning. “I’m s-so proud of you.”

“I hate all of you,” Eddie replied, crossing his arms over his chest.

“No, you don’t.” they all chorused, and Eddie glared at them.

Richie was cackling madly, and Eddie couldn’t keep his scowl on for long with Richie grinning next to him, looking so full of joy that he was bursting with it. He turned towards Eddie while the others started to exchange money and discussed the bet.

“Thank you,” Richie said, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I knew you could do it.” He pressed kiss after kiss on Eddie’s mouth until they were both smiling into it. _I’m not alone_ , Eddie thought. Even if the rest of the world damned him, he still had this; he still had them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from "love song" by the cure


	15. yesterday i got so old, i felt like i could die. yesterday i got so old, it made me want to cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie knew it the second he thought how good his life was going that he had probably jinxed himself. Still, (unless It came back) whatever would come next couldn’t be that bad. They had already been through so much, Eddie almost felt like they could make it through anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first, i want to thank everybody who has left a comment or a kudo because it really means a lot to me and honestly makes my day so much better everytime i get one. and i also want to say thank you for being so patient with me on this new chapter. its been a rough couple of weeks but i havent stopped writing and im not giving up on this story. this chapter gets really dark and can be triggering so if you want to skip i will leave a summary in the notes below and tell you when to skip.
> 
> Chapter Warnings: homophobic language, physical abuse, anxiety attacks, dissociating, suicidal thoughts, threat of conversion therapy
> 
> skip at "Oh my god, Eddie thought faintly, I was so fucking wrong, holy shit." until the end of the chapter

Things were moving, falling into place. Little pawns, born for this mistake, born to be sacrificed. No, not sacrificed, not yet. Echoes of the future; _pain, overwhelming pain dark, flash of light, so cold, “I promised Eds” “Don’t call me that”_. Echoes of the past. So many children, young bright souls, trapped in the sewers, crying. Free, finally free, their bodies laid to rest, their souls fly, soar above the clouds and up and up and up. They are free.

But.

But there is a whisper. Old things not yet put away, old mistakes, can never change. Hungry, so hungry, always hungry, must eat, _eat lives, hoard their bodies, must collect their souls, their fear fuels it, makes it hungrier. So hungry. Need to eat, eat, eat._ Not enough food, never enough. Hibernating, sleeping, starving. Need to wake, need to eat, their souls are gone, it is weak, it is angry, it waits.

No, not yet, not ready. Forces at play they cannot see, do not see, but they wonder, they look where there are no answers, not yet, not now.

Plan never stays on path, already there are divergences in the future; dead, all dead, killed, lone survivor cannot find peace, taken away, it lives, it feasts, it consumes the planet. Must not let that happen; yet cannot interfere. Weak, old, and wise but weak. Need power, need to help, cannot, _cannot, cannot_.

Help, help, must help, they will die. They plea, beg, scream. So young, so lost, barely finding happiness. Guilt. Should have done more, was not their fault but too weak, needed pawns, needed tools, but they are not tools. People. They love, they cry, they _feel_.

Must help, but how? How, how, how, how…

 

 

Eddie was the happiest he had ever been in his life. He got at least eight hours of sleep each night, his mom was off his back, he hadn’t had a panic attack in almost four months and he had a boyfriend. It was still surreal when Richie swooped down to kiss him in front of the Losers and no one batted an eye. They teased them, of course, but they all teased each other over everything. His friends knew he was gay, he had finally accepted that he was gay, and they loved him. He wasn’t out to the whole town, only his friends knew but it didn’t bother Eddie anymore. They would be out of this town in under two years and they could move to a big city where no one gave a shit who you loved.

The summer had just come and after it, they would only have one year of high school left. His friends had all decided narrowed down what college they wanted to go to. The Losers swore to pick a college not too far away from each other, so they would stay in touch. Eddie didn’t like to think about how he wouldn’t see his friends every day like they had for years now. They wouldn’t have weekly movie nights. He tried not to think about it because he knew he’d work himself up into a panic attack. There was no use dwelling on it, he’d deal with it when it happened.

Richie didn’t care about what college he went to, although he could get in anywhere with his grades. He didn’t care much about school, but his mom insisted he go to at least get an associates degree. Eddie had asked why Richie didn’t care where he went, and Richie had rolled his eyes.

“I barely care about school at all, I couldn’t care less where I go. I’m going wherever you end up, that’s good enough for me.”

Eddie had frowned, sitting up on Richie’s bed. Richie whined, making grabby hands at Eddie for him to come back and curl in Richie’s side. “You don’t care at all? Rich, you’re going to have to be there for four years. I don’t want you to go wherever I go, won’t you be unhappy?”

Richie propped himself up on his elbows, “Eds, I don’t care about college, I care about you. Why would I be unhappy?”

“I don’t know, wouldn’t you? You don’t have anything you want to do? What if you come with me and you don’t like it there and you end up resenting me? I don’t want you to be unhappy.”

Richie sat up straight, face serious. “Eddie, I could never resent you. I’m happy now, with you. And yeah, I got shit I want to do, but I still need a degree first. I can get a degree anywhere. I want to be with you.”

Eddie had still been worried, hands fidgeting with the end of his shirt. “How do you know? I don’t want to hold you back from anything.”

“Oh my god, Eddie, if it weren’t for you and my mom, I wouldn’t even go to college.” Richie cupped Eddie’s face in both hands, gently urging Eddie to look up at him. “If I went to some college in wherever the fuck, without you, I’d just be miserable. I’m happy _with you._ ” He stressed the last two words and kissed Eddie’s nose. “Okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” Eddie had mumbled. Richie had pecked kisses on Eddie’s nose and lips until he was smiling again, and they hadn’t talked about it since. Eddie still worried, would probably always worry, but he trusted Richie. If Richie said that’s what he wanted to do, then Eddie would take his word for it. No one could force Richie to do anything he didn’t want to do, anyway.

Bill, being Bill, had organized a plan. If they centered around Maine, the closest states were within a day’s drive, but anything more than a day’s drive was too far to go alone. Eddie knew why Billy was so worried. They all knew, so they didn’t question him. The uncertainty and fear from when they were kids still lingered over their heads and the weight of loss hung on their shoulders. Billy didn’t want to lose anyone else, not to anything, especially not to It. They had only defeated It last time because they were all together. If It came back, if It came for them, they couldn’t be alone.

Eddie still thought about that summer, on nights he couldn’t sleep. He knew It wasn’t dead. It would be back, and they wouldn’t know when. It could kill more people, more kids, before they could stop it. It could kill one of them. It could kill all of them.

It was pointless to think about, he knew. It was going to happen one way or another and all they could do was stay together.

So, they agreed with Bill’s plan. Mike was going to stay in Maine regardless, since he wasn’t even sure if his grandpa would let him go to college. Bev hadn’t cared about where she went, much like Richie. Eddie knew she feared being alone again. Ben, of course, would go wherever Bev did. Stan hadn’t decided where he wanted to go yet. Bill would apply to every school they applied to. Eddie wanted to go to either New York University or Maine University but he didn't know which one yet.

Aside from constantly thinking about their impending doom in the back of his head, Eddie was doing great. He had even gotten straight A’s this year. Eddie knew it the second he thought how good his life was going that he had probably jinxed himself. Still, (unless It came back) whatever would come next couldn’t be that bad. They had already been through so much, Eddie almost felt like they could make it through anything.

 

 

Oh my god, Eddie thought faintly, I was so fucking wrong, holy shit.

It had been a regular day. Eddie had woken up early, jogged to the quarry and met up with the rest of the Loser’s club. They jumped off the quarry’s ledge like they did every year, they swam and dunked each other and laughed. Everything was fine. Eddie was happy.

He knew it wouldn’t last.

Eddie walked through his front door after Richie dropped him off like he always did. He went to head up to his room, but his mother stepped out of the kitchen and blocked his way.

“Eddie,” she greeted, narrowing her eyes at him.

He pulled up short. He had gotten good at avoiding his mother over the past few years, he only ever saw her in the morning when she checked his mouth to see if he was taking his drugs and at night for the same reason. There was no escaping that, or she’d hunt him down. He hadn’t spoken more than a sentence to her in almost six months.

“Mother,” he said warily.

“I heard something interesting today.” She continued conversationally, like she wasn’t looming over him in the hallway. “Do you want to know what I heard?”

“No – “

She reeled her hand back and backhanded him across the face. He staggered backwards, not having been braced for it. His lungs started to seize up and his mind raced back to when he was fourteen and she dragged him kicking and screaming into the closet.

“I heard,” she said calmly. “That apparently my son is a faggot.”

Eddie froze and looked at her in horror. He couldn’t feel his legs, he couldn’t feel anything other than his heart pounding in his chest. He couldn’t breathe.

“Isn’t that the craziest thing?” she asked. “Why would anyone possibly believe that my son, my little Eddie Bear, would be a faggot.”

“Mom,” he whispered. Her face twisted into something he did not recognize, an ugly sneer, and she backhanded him again. _Run,_ he thought desperately but his legs wouldn’t fucking move.

“I’m still talking,” she spit out, her face melting back into a calm mask. “Well, apparently someone saw my son kissing a boy yesterday. And not just any boy, no, it was that dirty boy. I knew he was no good for you.”

“No,” Eddie croaked out. “He didn’t do anything, it’s not his fault – “

“He made you into this!” she yelled, grabbing his arm, and shaking him. “He made you into a faggot like him!”

“He didn’t – “

“But it’s okay, because Mommy still loves you, and she’s going to fix you. I told you Eddie, I told you that you were sick. You didn’t listen to me.”

“What do you mean fix me?” Eddie demanded, alarm overriding his terror temporarily.

“I found a nice doctor who is going to make you better again, and then you’ll be my Eddie Bear again and we can put this all behind us.”

Eddie reeled back, yanking on his arm. “No, I don’t need a doctor, I’m not sick, I’m not sick.”

“It’s okay, mommy is going to fix you,” she assured him, still wearing that fucking calm mask that was terrifying him.

“No!” he yelled, breaking out of her grip, and looking around wildly for an escape route. “I’m not sick!”

“Eddie, you come back here right this second!” she bellowed as he shot past her and sprinted up the stairs. He wasn’t going for the front or back door again, not after last time. He could climb out his window, he had done it before. She couldn’t follow him that way and she’d have to go out the front door and he could be long gone by then.

He made the mistake of looking behind him. His mother was just a foot away and she had a belt in her hand. Panicked, Eddie slammed into the first door he could and locked it shut. He looked around as his mother rattled the door knob and bashed on the door. He had locked himself in the bathroom, but there was a window here, he could jump.

He was opening the window when he realized there was silence. He froze, holding his breath to hear better. A slight rattle, and a clicking noise. What was that, it almost sounded like a-

The lock on the door turned and Eddie moved faster than had ever moved in his life. He threw his body against the door, holding it shut with his body weight and pulled out the cabinets that were next to the door. They stuck out, so they blocked the door, preventing it from opening more than a few inches.

“Open the door!” His mother screamed at him. “Open this door right now!”

Eddie went back to the window and felt his heart drop. There was no tree nearby to climb, no roof to slide down onto. The only way down was jumping, and he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t break a leg. If he broke anything, he wouldn’t be able to get away and she’d get him within minutes. He could try, but he knew the chance of him walking away without an injury was slim.

His mother had her hand through the crack in the door and was pushing at the cabinet, closing them slowly. He yanked it back out before it could shut.

“Mommy, please,” he tried to plead. “I’m not sick.”

“You are! You’ve turned into a faggot! No son of mine is going to be a fag!”

Eddie felt panic crawling up his throat and tears burn at his eyes. He couldn’t keep closing the drawers all night, and she would find a way in here eventually. He was scared and alone and he desperately wanted his friends right now. He wanted Richie. He didn’t know what to do.

“Mom stop, please.” He begged. She had slapped his hands away when he tried to close the door and was now working on the second one. His lungs were shrinking in his chest and he couldn’t catch his breath. His legs gave out beneath him and he curled up on the ground, holding his knees to his chest. “Mommy, don’t do this, please, I’m not sick, I’m still your son.”

Eddie didn’t have any weapons, or anything to defend himself. He only had himself. She said she was trying to fix him, so she cared about his wellbeing in her fucked-up way. She wouldn’t hurt him, badly, would she? He was her son, she wouldn’t take it that far. If she cared about his wellbeing at all, then she would stop if she saw he was really injured, right?

It was Eddie’s only move. She had wrestled the drawer free from its place while he was panicking and there was a gaping hole where it used to be. He shoved his foot where the bottom drawer used to be, sticking his leg as far as it would do so the only thing blocking the door was Eddie’s leg before his mother had a chance to move. His mother slammed on the door again and it pinned his leg between that and the inside of the cabinet. The pain was immediate, and he bit out a sob.

“Mom, stop, you’re hurting me.” He yelled. “Stop!”

“Get your goddamn leg out of the way!”

“You’re going to break it!” he said as she put more pressure against the door. His leg was screaming, the constant pressure sending pain throughout his body. “You’re going to break my leg, stop!”

“Then I’ll break your fucking leg!” she screamed back. She yanked the door closed, giving his leg a second of reprieve before she rammed it back into his leg. It felt like he was being crushed, his knee was going to pop out of place.

“You’re hurting me,” he said through his sobbing. He couldn’t breathe at all, he was wheezing short inhales and exhales, not getting in enough air. His vision blurred with pain or oxygen deprivation, he couldn’t even fucking tell. “Mom, please, stop. You’re going to break my leg.”

“Good! I’ll break your leg, I don’t care, I’m getting this door open if I have to break every bone in your body! I will drag you to the doctor, I swear to God, you are getting fixed today! I will not have a faggot son!”

Eddie thought his mom had already hurt him so much, she couldn’t possibly hurt him any worse. She had taken his childhood, had forced him into hospital after hospital and taught him he was weak and fragile and made him so anxious he couldn’t breathe. He thought he had accepted the fact that his mother didn’t love him. She loved the idea of him, a perfect son she could smother to death, but it wasn’t until this moment that he realized he had been holding onto a little string of hope that his mother still cared about him. It wasn’t until this moment that the string of hope was burned in the face of her hatred. He didn’t think he could get hurt by her anymore, but he had never been in so much pain in his life. His chest was collapsing, his leg was being crushed and he was unloved and alone. That hurt worse than any broken bone.

He had to get out. She would kill him, he realized. She would kill him in the deluded idea that she was saving him. She would kill him herself or he would slit his own throat. He couldn’t live like this anymore. He was so tired, everything hurt, and he just wanted everything to stop.

He gasped in a shaky lungful of air and pulled himself away from the drawer. His leg was being pinned, his mother unrelenting in the pressure, and he twisted and wrangled his leg free. His thigh and knee were going to be black and blue and he wasn’t sure if he could run, but he had to try. He yanked his leg out the rest of the way and his mother threw the door open. He barely scrambled out of the way before his mother was on him, punching him and kicking him before folding her belt in two and whipping him with it. He curled into a ball, protecting his head and chest, and let her. He was too small to fight her, and this wasn’t his first beating. He waited until she ran out of steam and then he kicked out with his good leg on the inside of her knee.

She shrieked and fell, banging into the sink and toilet on the way to the floor. He was up and out the door before she even hit the floor. His leg was screaming at him, but he ignored it. Eddie stumbled and tripped down the stairs, catching himself with his hands before scrambling back up and sprinting for the front door. He could hear his mother screaming at him from upstairs. He tuned her out, he focused only on running. He had to get away from here, he needed to run, he wasn’t safe, he was never going to be safe again.

He ran until he stumbled and fell, wheezing desperately for air. He laid wherever he fell for a moment before pushing himself to his hands and knees and looking around. He was in the barrens, far from the main street. He was almost to the quarry, almost a forty-five walk from his house.

Eddie sobbed out a breath, catching himself before he really started to cry. He couldn’t fall apart right now, he had to get somewhere safe, somewhere his mom wouldn’t know about. He wanted Richie, he wanted his friends, but that would be the first place his mother would check. Eddie’s heart thumped painfully at the thought of his mom going to Richie’s house. He wanted to run to Richie’s house and warn him, get him as far away from his mother as they could get, but he wouldn’t be able to get away from her a second time, he knew that for certain. Richie’s mom would protect him, Eddie knew. She knew about Eddie’s mother and she wouldn’t let her lay a hand on Richie. It was a small comfort to know that Richie would be safe, but that still left him without a place to go.

He couldn’t go into town. People would take one look at him, a hysterical, sobbing boy beat to hell, and call the cops, or his mother. She knew where the quarry was, and he wouldn’t trust himself around a large body of water right now. Eddie had no where to go. He could wander the barrens, but his leg would give out soon. He was in shock, he thought, and he didn’t know how long it would be until the adrenaline wore out. He had no money, no means of transport, he had nothing but some change in his pocket, his keys and –

Keys.

He had a key.

Eddie struggled to his feet, using a tree to drag himself up before limping away. He had to press a fist against his mouth to keep the sobs from pouring out. His chest was burning, and it was a miracle he hadn’t passed out from hyperventilating. Maybe he would once he was safe, he would honestly prefer if he did. He kept his thoughts focused on getting one foot in front of the other. He couldn’t think of anything else, or he would break. Keep walking, keep walking, you’re fine, just keep walking.

When the Loser’s clubhouse finally came into view, Eddie was so tired he wasn’t sure if he could cry. He fumbled with unlocking the door, his hands were shaking so bad it took him five minutes just to get them to cooperate. He shut the door behind him, locking it before he slid to the ground.

His mind was blank. He couldn’t feel his leg anymore. Everything was distant again. He was exhausted but he didn’t think he could sleep unless he blacked out from lack of air. He sat on the floor for a while, he didn’t know how long, not thinking of a goddamn thing. He was alone here. None of his friends would know what happened and they wouldn’t know where he was anyway. Maybe Stan would come to the clubhouse, he often came before the sunrise to watch the birds. But that was hours away and it wasn’t a guarantee that he’d come.

Eddie sat on the floor and stared down at his hands. His palms were scratched and bleeding. He didn’t know when that happened. He couldn’t feel a thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> summary: eddie's mom finds out from someone not named that he is gay and was seen kissing richie. she does not react well and slaps him around before saying that she's taking him to get "fixed" and some other really homophobic things. eddie runs and locks himself in the bathroom and gets trapped. he uses his body to block the door, thinking his mom wouldnt go that far and hurt him too badly but he is wrong. she threatens to break his leg and drag him to the doctor. eddie gets physically abused when she gets the door open but he escapes and runs to the barrens where he begins dissociating. he ends up hiding at the loser's clubhouse because he is afraid his mother is going to track him down and take him away to get "fixed"
> 
> Chapter Title from In Between Days by The Cure


	16. please, please be here for me dear cause i never needed a friend more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you change your mind  
> cause inside i'm falling  
> and i need you to pull me out of this decline  
> i realize how hard on you this must seem  
> but trust me  
> when i say its far, far, far worse for me
> 
> please, please be here for me dear  
> cause i've never needed a friend more  
> and i can't stress enough how much it means to me that you're trying  
> and i don't mind if you can't hold me like you used to  
> cause i've never hated myself more  
> but this is just a bump in the road and i promise i'm trying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes
> 
> Chapter Warning: suicidal thoughts, suicidal idealization, description of physical abuse, panic attacks  
> Edit: i forgot to add there is very homophobic language/homophobia

“Alright, alright, I’m coming, calm your tits already!” Richie yelled, pulling himself off the couch with a groan.

“Language!” His mother chided from the kitchen. He could hear her closing the oven door and rattling dishes around. Richie grumbled irritably. The doorbell had been ringing constantly like someone had pressed their finger on the button and didn’t let it go, and they had started pounding their fists against the door not even a second later.

He threw open the door angrily, “What! What do you – Mrs. K?”

Eddie’s mom was standing there, panting and huffing, her face bright red. Her eyes were wild behind her glasses, glaring at him dangerously. Richie automatically took a step backwards.

“ _You_ ,” she hissed, pointing a finger at him. “You did this! You made him sick!”

“Uh,” Richie said, bewildered. He looked behind her, but Eddie was no where in sight. “You’re going to have to take a step back and rewind for me, because I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“You ruined my son!” she shrieked. “He’s sick because of you!”

“What is going on out here?” his mom asked from behind him. She gently pushed Richie behind her and placed her hands on her hips, glaring down Mrs. Kaspbrak.

“Your _son_ ruined my boy!” she shouted, “I knew he was dirty, this is your fault! You should be ashamed!”

“Now, hold on,” Richie’s mom snapped back. “My son is not dirty, and he hasn’t done one goddamn thing. I don’t appreciate you coming here to yell at my kid.”

“Where’s Eddie?” Richie asked, dread slowly creeping up on him.

“Oh, don’t you play innocent! Where have you hidden my son! I know he’s here!” Sonia took a step closer, her face getting impossibly redder. She moved as if to grab Richie and Richie’s mom, Maggie, slapped her hand away.

“You touch my son and I swear I am calling the cops!” Maggie threatened. “Richie, what the hell is she talking about?”

Richie stared at Sonia in horror, the blood draining from his face. “What did you do to him?” he demanded, his voice almost shaking in fear. _Eddie_ , he thought frantically, _Eddie, oh my god what did she do to Eddie_?

“I didn’t do anything but try to fix what you did to him! I should’ve known this would happen, you were never good for my son. You’ve made him sick!”

“He ran away,” Richie realized. “You don’t know where he is.”

Sonia started yelling more but Richie could only hear the blood rushing in his ears. His mind raced to think of where Eddie would go. Bill’s house, but no he couldn’t have, Sonia would have checked there first. Sure enough, Richie heard the phone ringing in the kitchen and he left his mother at the door to fend off Sonia. He skidded to a stop in front of the phone, grabbing it quickly and almost knocking it against his face in his haste to answer.

“Eddie’s missing,” he blurted out.

“S-Sonia came t-to your house t-too?” Bill asked. His voice was grave, and he didn’t sound surprised in the least. “She j-just left mine. My p-parents answered the d-door, they j-just told me.”

“He ran away,” Richie told him. “She did something to him, she knows about him, she found out.”

“About him?” Billy asked before he sucked in a sharp breath, figuring it out. “About you two? S-shit,”

“He’s probably hurt,” Richie could feel the panic clawing up his throat. Oh, god, Eddie was hurt and bleeding and alone. Richie needed to find him, he needed to get to Eddie right now, but he was missing, where would he be? “We need to find him!”

“I’ll call the others,” Bill said, taking charge automatically. “You know him best, you know where he would be. We’ll keep Sonia distracted. Call us when you find him.”

“Okay,” Richie said hurriedly, hanging up and searching the floor for his shoes. He shoved them on, grabbing his jacket and keys. He heard the door slam and his mother walked over towards him.

“What the hell is going on?” she demanded.

“She hurt Eddie,” he said quickly. “She hurt him and he ran away and I need to find him.”

“Whoa, wait a minute,” his mother interrupted.

“No, I can’t, I need to find him, he’s hurt mom – “

“Slow down, Richie, I’m not asking you to not find him.” She grabbed his shoulders firmly and he looked up at her. “You can’t take your car, Sonia will follow you or have the cops search for it. Take your bike and hide it once you find him, okay? Make sure he’s safe and then you come back here, you hear me? He can’t come back, or his mother is going to find him. We will figure this out, we will do whatever we have to so he’s safe.”

Richie hugged his mom tightly, overwhelmed with relief and gratefulness for her understanding. He ran for the garage, yelling over his shoulder. “Thanks mom!”

“Be careful!” she shouted after him.

Richie opened the side door for the garage, dragging his neglected bike with him. He hadn’t ridden it in so long, he didn’t even know if there was enough air in the tires but fuck it. He listened for Sonia to peel out of the driveway in her car and speed down the street, no doubt heading to Stan’s house now, before opening the backyard door and hopping on his bike. He pedaled in the opposite direction, trying to think of where to go first. Eddie hardly went anywhere that the Losers didn’t know about, except when he went on runs. Richie tried to remember if Eddie ever told him what trail he went on. He knew Eddie ran to the barrens, then usually to the quarry and back, but he didn’t know what path he took or if he stopped anywhere else on the way-

 _Richie, you fucking idiot_ , he thought suddenly, _if you’d stop fucking panicking you’d have realized it sooner_.

The clubhouse.

Richie had the locks replaced specifically for this reason. Back then, he hoped he was just being paranoid and stupid, and the clubhouse would only be a reprieve from the world for Eddie, not a safehouse. But he had worried about Eddie constantly and made sure Eddie always had somewhere safe to go if he couldn’t go anywhere else. Past Richie was sure it was overkill but now Richie was never so fucking glad that he was a worried, paranoid mess when it came to Eddie’s safety. He took off in the clubhouse’s direction, his mind still racing with worry about how Eddie was. There was a first aid kit in the clubhouse, necessary because of Richie and Bill being a bunch of clumsy idiots, but also because Eddie insisted. Bless his hypochondriac little brain.

He had never felt so terrified and so much like a failure in his life. From the first day he met Eddie, Richie had thought him the cutest, most precious being in the world. Over the years, he had self-appointed himself to always take care of Eddie. Eddie was the one thing in his life that Richie could not live without. If Eddie was hurt, Richie was the first one there trying to fix it. It had become second nature at this point. Knowing Eddie was scared and alone and probably hurt made Richie sick with guilt. He knew that he could only protect Eddie from so much, and it wasn’t realistic to expect himself to save Eddie from everything, but he could damn well try. He hated that Eddie was hurting, he hated that he couldn’t spare him from pain.

By the time he reached the clubhouse, dragging his bike up the porch and fumbling with his keys, he didn’t know how long it had been since Sonia came to his house. It could have been seconds, it could have been hours, Richie didn’t fucking know. He unlocked the door with his spare key and was met with a dark room.

“Eddie?” Richie called out, “Eds, it’s me, it’s Richie. It’s just me, baby, you’re safe.” He stepped inside and pulled his bike inside to prop on the wall before closing the door. “Baby?”

He reached down for the lantern they kept by the front door, flicking it on and searching the empty room.

“Lock the door,” a raspy voice said from the kitchen. Richie quickly made sure the door was locked before hurrying to the kitchen.

Eddie was sitting on the floor, blinking up at him with that distant look in his eyes that Richie knew meant he had locked himself away somewhere in his mind. There were smears of blood on the floor and Eddie’s legs were stretched out in front of him, his right leg already forming dark bruises along his thigh and knee. Richie felt his heart almost stop in his chest as he dropped down next to Eddie.

“Eds,” Richie said softly, furiously blinking back tears. He couldn’t freak out or it’d make Eddie panic. He took a deep breath and gently moved to grab Eddie’s hands. Eddie flinched, and Richie froze, waiting. Eddie blinked again.

“Sorry,” Eddie’s voice sounded like shit, like he had screamed until his throat was raw.

“Don’t be sorry, Eddie, it’s okay,” Richie soothed. “Can I touch your hand? I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Eddie nodded. Richie made sure to move slowly to not startle him. He turned his small hands palm upwards and saw bloody scratches and tiny rocks and pebbles in the deeper ones. Eddie had a bruise forming at his forearm and his cheek. Richie telegraphed his moves to Eddie, and only gently touched his face when Eddie nodded again.

“Can you tell me where you’re hurt?” he asked quietly. He moved Eddie’s head to better see the bruise. It looked to be a glancing blow, not near his nose or eyes.

“Leg,” Eddie said after a moment. He frowned, his gaze struggling to focus. “Back? It hurts.”

“Okay,” Richie reassured him. He kissed Eddie’s unmarred cheek softly. “I’m going to clean out your hands, and then I’ll look at your leg and back. Okay?”

Eddie nodded, and Richie searched through the cabinets in the kitchen, grabbing the first aid kit.

“Good thing I finally took that first aid class, huh?” he rambled, just to make noise. He found that talking helped drag Eddie out of his head. “This doesn’t look so bad. In class we had to watch these boring videos, like CPR stuff, but there was this one video where a paramedic had to start stitching up this guy’s leg in the ambulance. You’d think they’d do that normally, right, but no, apparently, it’s only in like France? Some European country, Mike would probably know. The paramedics treat them on scene instead of bundling up people in the ambulance and stabilizing them in there like we do over here. I don’t know which one would actually be better, but it seems like you’d want treatment immediately right?”

While he talked, Richie got a spare water bottle they had laying around and had a towel under Eddie’s hand to soak up the stray water as he flushed out the cuts. After he had wiped his hands with a disinfectant, he carefully cleaned up Eddie’s hands with a towel soaked in saline solution but avoided the cuts. Eddie winced slightly, and as Richie continued to blabber, his eyes started to focus again, his mind letting him out of whatever safe place it had locked Eddie in. Richie had to use some tweezers to get out the smaller pebbles, and then he flushed out the cuts in the saline solution again. He used antibiotic cream before placing a gauze pad on Eddie’s palm and wrapping it with a cloth bandage. He did the same for his other hand and by the time he had finished Eddie was frowning down at his hands like he just noticed them.

“You with me, Eds?” Richie asked quietly. He kissed the bandage he had just placed on his hand gently and then his knuckles.

“Yeah.” Eddie croaked out. He looked up at Richie, his big eyes filling with tears. “Richie, she – she – “

“I know, baby, you don’t have to tell me.” Richie scooted closer, his legs on either side of Eddie and pulled him on his lap, wrapping him in his arms. He wanted to hold Eddie tight, but he didn’t want to hurt him. Eddie was trembling slightly, hands curling into Richie’s shirt and his head resting on Richie’s chest.

“I didn’t know where to go,” Eddie mumbled.

Richie kissed the top of his head, his heart finally calming down now that he had Eddie safe in his arms. “You did good, Eddie. You got yourself safe, I’m so proud of you, baby.”

“I didn’t… I was so scared.” He whispered. He was shaking worse now. Richie wanted to squeeze Eddie to his chest, keep him there forever and shield him from the world. “She was going to kill me, she was going to kill me.”

Richie clenched his jaw, barely restraining his anger. He couldn’t get angry now, he’d frighten Eddie. He could find Sonia later and he would. He was so furious he thought he could actually kill her right now. He closed his eyes and pressed kisses to the side of Eddie’s head, trying to focus on him.

“She was… she said she’d fix me, and that she would take me to the doctor because I was sick.”

“No,” Richie crooned, his heart breaking in his chest for Eddie. “No, baby, no, you’re not sick, you don’t need to be fixed. You’re perfect, you’re my Eds. You’re the most beautiful person in the world, you don’t need to fix anything.”

“But why?” Richie could feel warm tears spilling on his shirt. “Why would she… I was so scared, Richie, I thought I was going to die.”

“You’re safe, she won’t get you. You got away, and I won’t let her ever touch you again. You’re safe, Eddie, you’re safe.”

Eddie started to sob, muffling his cries in Richie’s chest. He clung to Richie, shaking, and Richie could do nothing but hold him, as if holding Eddie tightly enough would keep him from breaking.

 

 

When Eddie ran out of tears, Richie sat him up and checked his leg. It was bruised, and his knee looked swollen. He gently prodded it and Eddie flinched in pain.

“One to ten, how bad is the pain?” Richie asked.

“Five,” Eddie muttered, trying to bend his knee. He stopped when it was only halfway bent, paling significantly. “Fuck, never mind, seven, it’s a seven.”

“Don’t move it,” Richie chastised, helping him stretch it out again. “Scoot forward a bit? I want to see your back.”

Eddie wiggled away from the kitchen cabinets and let Richie ease his shirt up to his shoulders. Richie froze at the sight of his mauled back. There were purpling bruises along his ribs, but the most horrifying part was the red whip marks across his back.

“Oh, Eds,” Richie sighed, bending down to press a gentle kiss to his shoulder. “I’m not going to lie, it’s looking pretty bad. Can you walk on that leg?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie said, leaning into Richie easily when Richie hugged him close. “I ran over here, but I think I was in shock. I stopped feeling it after a while.”

“Want to try to walk to the couch?” Eddie nodded, and Richie helped him stand. When Eddie put pressure on his leg, it buckled, and Richie had to catch him before he hit the floor. “That’s a no. Come on, then, up you go.”

Richie carefully picked Eddie up, avoiding his bad leg and gently laid him down on the couch. He kneeled on the floor in front of the couch, threading his fingers through Eddie’s and kissed his hand.

“I think you need to get that checked out.”

“No!” Eddie tried to sit up, but Richie slung an arm over his chest and pinned him down. “Richie, no, please, I don’t want to go to the hospital, I don’t want to go to the doctor, please don’t make me.”

“Okay, okay,” Richie assured him. “No hospital, no doctor. But someone needs to look at your leg.”

“She’s going to find me,” Eddie protested, his wide eyes pleading with Richie. “Please, Rich, don’t let her find me. I can’t, I can’t do it again.”

“Eddie, it’s okay she’s not going to find you. We are going to keep you safe, I promise.”

He shook his head frantically, his breath quickening. “She’s going to make me go back if she finds me. I can’t go back to that house, I can’t do it anymore. I’m going to die in that house, I’m going to die, she’s going to kill me, or I’ll kill myself. I won’t go back, I can’t, don’t make me, I don’t want to die but I can’t live there anymore, I can’t.”

Richie felt like someone punched him in the chest. No, like a train just ran him over and crushed him. Eddie was crying again, panicking, and begging, and Richie wanted to cry with him. He couldn’t comprehend what he was hearing. Eddie wouldn’t kill himself, he wouldn’t do that, would he? Suddenly, Richie was terrified to leave Eddie alone for even a second.

“No,” he gasped out. “No, Eddie, no, don’t say that, please don’t say that.”

“I can’t,” Eddie sobbed. “Don’t make me. Please, Richie, I don’t want to die but I can’t live there anymore.”

“You won’t, you don’t have to go back, not ever, I promise Eds. You never have to go back or see her again, I promise you. Don’t say that Eddie, please, don’t. I can’t, I can’t do it without you, Eddie, don’t leave me. Please, don’t say that again, please.”

Richie was crying now, begging Eddie. Eddie sat up on the couch and tumbled into Richie’s chest. Richie clutched him tightly to himself, unwilling to let go. Thinking about Eddie dying, about Eddie killing himself, was unbearable. He couldn’t live in a world without Eddie, his best friend, his first and only love. What would he do if Eddie died?

Eddie was sobbing, and Richie rocked him back and forth, pressing kisses to wherever he could reach between crying. He held onto Eddie desperately, whispering, “You’re not going to die, you’re going to be okay, baby, you don’t have to go back. You’re safe, I promise, please don’t say that. You’re my Eddie, my Eds, my baby, what would I do without you? Don’t take yourself away, I won’t survive it, I won’t.”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie whimpered. “I’m sorry.”

Richie whined in distress, “No, don’t be sorry, just promise me. Promise me you won’t kill yourself, please Eddie, promise me.”

“I promise,” Eddie wrapped his arms around Richie’s neck and held him just as tightly. “I won’t, I promise. Just don’t let her take me.”

“She won’t, she’s never going to touch you again, I promise.” Richie swore reverently, “You’re safe, Eds, I won’t let her get you, I promise.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol gotta blast (pls dont hate me)
> 
> chapter title from "i promise im trying" from cavetown


	17. we are the sons of no one, bastards of young

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At Richie’s house, Maggie was furious. She let the Losers inside and fussed over them coming in their pajamas with just jackets and shoes hastily thrown on.
> 
> “I cannot believe that damn woman,” she was muttering as she passed out plates to the Losers who were sitting at the table. She had insisted they eat while waiting for news as most had left their house before dinner. “If she comes back here, I won’t be held responsible for my actions.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is still angst but like not too much angst but also this isnt happy at all lmaoooo sorry. also i think i have to split one of the next chapters into two because it turned into a monster but idk yet sooo
> 
> no chapter warnings

Bill and the rest of the Losers managed to send Sonia on a wild goose chase. After getting off the phone to Richie, Bill had called Stan, Ben, Mike, and Bev and told them to distract her if she came by. Stan had said Eddie might go to Ben’s house, and Ben sent her to Beverly, who then sent him to Mike, a good distance away from central Derry. Mike had said Eddie might be at the Library, but she’d have to get the key from the librarian since Eddie had probably broken in through the tiny window that led to the basement.

While the rest were doing that, Bill went to Richie’s house and waited for the others to get there after Sonia left. Stan and Ben showed up together, then Beverly. Mike called Richie’s house to tell Bill that he was going to drive his truck over after Sonia had gotten a bit further away.

At Richie’s house, Maggie was furious. She let the Losers inside and fussed over them coming in their pajamas with just jackets and shoes hastily thrown on.

“I cannot believe that damn woman,” she was muttering as she passed out plates to the Losers who were sitting at the table. She had insisted they eat while waiting for news as most had left their house before dinner. “If she comes back here, I won’t be held responsible for my actions.”

She served them chicken and mac and cheese with vegetables, muttering vague threats to Sonia under her breath. She was a lot like Richie in that way, Bill thought as he watched her pace around, never still and never silent.

“Beverly, dear, you look cold, do you need another jacket? No, wait, I’ll make some hot chocolate to go with the cookies I made yesterday. Does anyone want some? Don’t answer that, I’m making it anyway.” Richie’s mom babbled. “What is taking that boy so long?”

“If Eddie is hurt, Richie is not going to leave him,” Stan shrugged, helping himself to more mac and cheese.

“Any ideas on where t-they’re at?” Bill asked. The Losers all glanced at each other. Beverly raised her brow significantly, glancing to Richie’s mother and back to Bill. He frowned, tilting his head. She rolled her eyes and nodded. Ben, catching on, started to nod as well. Stan glanced between them all, before giving an acknowledging shrug.

“Why are you all doing that? What are you saying?” Richie’s mom demanded, looking over at them from the kitchen with narrowed eyes.

“We t-think Eddie might have g-gone to our hide out,” Bill began.

“And if he is, it’s best not to say anything so we have credible deniability,” Bev picked up.

“They’re safe there, since no one knows where it is, but if we did hypothetically a couple of us could check on them and report back.” Stan finished.

“But only hypothetically,” Ben added. “Since, if the cops get involved, we need that credible deniability. Richie and Eddie are the closest to each other, it would be reasonable if they had a hideout the rest of us didn’t know about.”

Maggie blinks at them, “I’m going to ignore how suspicious it is that you know all of this for right now, but I see your point. And we are getting the police involved. If we are getting Eddie out of that house, which we are, then we need to do it the legal way or the police will hand him right back to Sonia. I can call them, but whoever is going to search for them needs to leave before I do. But not yet, I need to pack them dinner, if you hypothetically find them, and you need some hot chocolate before you go back into the cold.”

Bill looked at the other Losers, “Any v-volunteers?”

“I’ll go,” Bev offered. “You are too, right?”

“Of c-course,” Bill nodded, “Mike will b-be here soon, he might know s-something about how to make s-sure Eddie doesn’t have t-t go back to Sonia’s.”

“He definitely will,” Stan corrected, “What doesn’t he know?”

“We’ll be back in an hour,” Bev said as Maggie came back with Tupperware’s full of food and two thermoses. Bill and Bev took Bill’s car and parked it near the barrens, but far away from the clubhouse. Bill carried the food and thermoses in a bag Maggie had given them while Beverly directed them with the flashlight. They were quiet while they walked, trying not to leave obvious tracks, and trying not to think about what state Eddie might be when they found him. Bill was anxious to see his friend, he knew Sonia would not have held back in her anger. He couldn’t help but feel guilty. They should’ve found a way to get Eddie out of that house sooner. Eddie was one of the strongest people Bill knew and seeing him shaken and scared was more than enough to make Bill terrified. He had already been through so much, they all had, why couldn’t they just live in peace? This town still felt cursed, even with It gone. Everything that could go wrong, would. Bill was tired of it, tired of being anxious and scared about his friend’s and family’s safety.

There was a dim light coming out from under the door when they reached the remote cabin. Bev walked up first, knocking on the door. Bill shifted from foot to foot anxiously when no one answered immediately.

“It’s Bill and Bev,” Beverly said. “We’re alone.”

It seemed like hours before the door opened and Richie stood there, red eyed and exhausted. He stepped aside wordlessly, which was a sign that something was terribly wrong, but he forgot all about Richie’s uncharacteristically quietness when his eyes fell on Eddie. He was curled up on his side on the couch, his hands bandaged and his cheek purple from a bruise. His right leg was stretched out, and was covered in bruises, already dark blue and purple.

“Eddie,” Bill breathed out, staring at him with wide eyes. He was torn between sadness for his friend and seething anger towards Sonia for doing this to him. He dropped the bag to the floor and sat on the floor in front of Eddie.

“Hi Bill,” Eddie mumbled.

“What d-did she d-do t-to you?” Bill stuttered out. Eddie sighed, looking years older exhausted.

“What doesn’t she do?” Eddie said flatly. Bev sat next to Bill, bringing along the bag and emptying it out in front of her.

“Richie, your mom gave us food to give you. Mac and cheese and chicken, some cookies and hot chocolate.” Bev untwisted the cap off the thermos, steam billowing out. “Can you sit, Eddie? You need to warm up.”

Eddie grunted, pushing himself to sit. Richie was already grabbing the food, first handing it to Eddie and then for himself.

“What’d she say?” Richie asked through a mouthful of mac and cheese.

“She’s pissed as fuck.” Bev said, handing the thermos to Eddie, who looked at it with interest. “She wants to call the cops. If we want to do this legit, then we sort of have too, and it’s better for us that we have an adult on our side, so they take us serious.”

“We sent Sonia all over t-the place,” Bill added quietly. “She’ll be distracted for a while.”

“Eddie’s leg is fucked up,” Richie told them. “But we can’t do shit until the cops tell Sonia to fuck off.”

“Mike is on the way to your house to help. If you’re okay with it, we’ll tell them about the meds. If they can look into your medical records, they’ll see you’re not prescribed for any. It’ll help our case.” Bev reached out her hand and placed it on Eddie’s good knee gently. “But that’s up to you.”

Eddie nodded, pressing his lips together tightly and looking away. Bill glanced at Richie, tilting his head slightly. Richie shook his head.

“Until t-then, it’s best t-to stay here,” Bill said, trying to catch Eddie’s eye uselessly. “Will you be okay?”

“I’m not leaving,” Richie’s voice brokered for no arguments.

“Richie, I’m not going to – “

“I’m not leaving,” Richie repeated, glaring at Eddie sharply. Bill and Bev exchanged a look of uneasiness. They rarely saw Richie snap at people. Although he talked a lot of shit and could never stay still for the life of him, Richie was genuinely a relaxed person. It took a lot to make him angry.

Eddie sighed, slumping deeper into the couch cushions. He hadn’t touched his food.

“Eddie,” Bill said softly. “You need t-to eat something.”

He glanced at his food dishearteningly and picked at it without interest.

“You didn’t deserve it,” Bev told Eddie quietly. Eddie glanced at her warningly, but she continued, undeterred. “Whatever she told you, whatever bullshit she tried to make you believe in, it’s not true. She’s in the wrong, she’s the one who fucked up. This is not your fault.”

It’s not that Bill ever forgot about Beverly’s past, but she was so different than she was when they first met. She was happy now, for one thing, and she had an aunt who loved her. Bev didn’t talk of her dad often. Some days there were moments when Bev’s gaze would get distant and she’d flinch at loud sounds and they all knew why. Those moments got far and fewer between as time passed, but that didn’t mean she had forgotten what had happened to her. She was a survivor of abuse, she was strong and brave and unbreakable, but she remembered what it had been like.

Eddie looked at her, his eyes watering before he blinked and looked away.

“Maybe,” he said. “It doesn’t matter. None of this does if I have to go back.”

“You won’t,” Bev said firmly. “You know we’d go through hell with you, you’re not in this alone.”

Eddie was silent before he sighed and began to eat his food in earnest. Richie watched him like a hawk, and silently took away the Tupperware when he finished and handed him the cookies. Slowly, some color came back to his pale face as he drank the hot chocolate while they sat with him and talked of nothing of importance. Bill kept an eye on him when his eyes started to droop, and he leaned into Richie’s shoulder.

Bev caught his eye and raised an eyebrow. He nodded, and they started gathering the Tupperware to take back but left the still half full thermoses. Eddie didn’t stir as they stood up to leave, seemingly asleep.

“How is he?” Bill whispered to Richie, who had an arm wrapped around Eddie now and was looking down at him.

“I don’t know,” Richie’s voice shook slightly. “He’s not good, that’s for fucking sure.” He fell silent, gazing at Eddie with somber eyes. He looked up at Bill and that somberness faded into anger. Bill rarely saw Richie angry, and he had never seen him with this look of hatred in his eyes. “I want to kill her. I want to kill her for what she did to him.”

Bill’s heart twisted but he couldn’t fault Richie. Looking at Eddie now, Bill knew he would help Richie if he hunted Sonia down.

“You didn’t see…” Richie trailed off, suddenly looking haunted. “You didn’t see. Bill, I’m scared for him – I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to help him.”

Bill sat down next to Richie and pulled him into a hug without disturbing Eddie. “None of us do, Richie, we j-just have to be there for him.”

“It’s all we can do,” Bev added softly, folding herself into the group hug and running a soothing hand through Richie’s hair. “Just keep being here, do exactly what you’ve been doing. He’ll be okay, Richie.”

Richie’s breath shook against Bill’s shoulder and Bill let him go so Richie could use his free hand to wipe at his tears. Bev continued to run her hand through his hair.

“He’s still our Eddie,” Bev leaned forward to kiss Richie’s forehead and then the top of Eddie’s head. “He just needs a little help.”

 

 

They went back to Richie’s house and there were two cop cars pulled up to it. They left the bag in the car and hurried to the front door. Mike answered the door, pulling them both into a hug quickly.

“How is he?” he whispered.

“Banged up, but okay,” Bev whispered back. They broke away as a cop walked towards them.

“Mrs. Tozier said you went to search for the missing boys,” he said in a friendly tone. “Any luck?”

“No,” Bill said, shaking his head. “We checked everywhere.”

“I thought as much,” the cop said with a sigh. He held out a hand to shake. “I’m Officer Martinez, I take it you two are Beverly and Bill?”

“Yes,” Bev shook his hand. “Where are the others?”

“Come on, I’ll show you.”

He led them to the kitchen where one cop was seated with the rest of the Losers and another one was talking to Maggie. Bev sat next to Ben, reaching for his hand, and Bill sat next to Stan, who quietly asked if he was okay.

“I’m Officer Juarez,” the woman sitting at the table introduced herself. “I’ve been asking your friends if they could think of anywhere the boys could be, but I hear you’ve already been searching? Can you tell me where you checked?”

Bill nodded, “We checked t-the barrens, along the creek, and t-the q-quarry.”

“And these are the usual places you hang out?”

“Yes,” Bill answered. “Eddie and Richie are b-best f-friends, t-they c-could be somewhere t-they only know.”

“Why do you keep asking me the same questions!” Maggie’s voice raised as she paced the kitchen. “I’ve already told you all I know! That poor boy is probably out there freezing, he is way to skinny to be out this late when it’s so cold. Why aren’t you arresting Sonia yet?”

“We have officer’s searching for her car right now,” the cop pacified her. “We just need to make sure we have all the facts.”

“We’ve told you everything we know!” Maggie snapped, whirling on the cop and glaring at him dangerously. “My boys are who knows where and you should be arresting that horrid woman, so they can come back. We don’t even know if Eddie is hurt! What if he needs the hospital but he’s too scared to come out of hiding?”

“Ma’am – “

“Don’t ma’am me, go out there and do your job!” She seemed to notice Bill and Bev were back then and she left the cop to walk towards them. “Did you two find them? Of course not, they’re not with you, do you need anything? You look cold,”

“No, we’re okay, t-thank you,” Bill assured her. “What’s going on?”

Maggie flushed in anger and shot the cop who she had been talking a dirty look. “Absolutely nothing, since they are still here and not arresting Sonia.”

“Ma’am – I mean Mrs. Tozier, we have explained that we need to stay here in case your boy comes back.”

“And I have explained that Richie isn’t coming back if he sees cop cars in the driveway, he’s not an idiot.” She said impatiently. “Eddie and Richie have been glued at the hip since they were seven, Richie isn’t going to leave Eddie now.”

“Excuse me,” Bev interrupted smoothly before the cop could anger Maggie further. “But Eddie isn’t coming out of hiding if Sonia is still out there, she’s been terrorizing him all his life. What’s stopping her from grabbing him and running if he comes here? He’d be going right back to hell.”

“We need a warrant for arrest in a case like this. There is no physical evidence without Eddie present. If he comes out of hiding and he is injured, we will arrest Sonia as a suspect in child abuse and can file for a restraining order in the meantime. We can do nothing until he arrives.”

“Nothing, unless there is a history of past abuse that you can use for grounds to arrest Sonia on suspicion.” Mike corrects. “If there is proof of abuse in the past, you can have her in custody, so Eddie will not have to endanger himself when he comes out of hiding and will already have enough to charge her with child endangerment, at the least.”

Officer Martinez blinked at Mike in surprise, but Officer Juarez looked impressed. The older cop in the kitchen was fuming.

“Do you have said proof?” Juarez asked.

“Will you arrest Sonia?” Mike countered.

A smile pulled at Juarez mouth, “If it is sufficient enough, yes.”

“Juarez – “ the older cop protested.

“Jones, I believe you best start searching for those boys, it is almost twenty degrees out tonight.” Juarez cut him off, not even sparing him a glance. “We have a lot of ground to cover in the woods.”

The older cop looked affronted and gaped at Juarez before storming out the door.

“Finally,” Maggie muttered, crossing her arms. “Arrogant man.”

Martinez pulled up a chair and sat down next to his partner, “You said you had proof?”

Mike looked at Bill and Bill nodded slightly, giving the go ahead to explain about Sonia’s abuse in the past. “A couple of years ago, Eddie found out that the medication his mother had been giving him were placebos. The pharmacist’s daughter told him. When he stopped taking them, Sonia got angry and locked him in a closet until he agreed to take them. Eddie came to me and asked if I could look up what these drugs were since I work at the library. They were not prescribed and unregulated antidepressants. I couldn’t say where Sonia got them from, but Eddie couldn’t stop taking them outright so we told him to pretend. The pharmacist could tell you if his medicine is a placebo if you need to check.”

“That’s a medical record of a minor,” Martinez said.

“But if you have reasonable suspicion that unregulated drugs are endangering a child, you could get a warrant. And I happen to know Judge Rivers will be at her office still and can sign it.” Mike countered. Juarez opened her mouth to ask, but Mike explained quickly. “Her son is at the library a lot, so we talk often. She’s a nice lady, loves kids.”

Juarez stood up, nodding. She dug through her pocket and handed Mike a card with a grin. “You’re a smart kid. You think of anything else or you need anything, call me. You’d be a good lawyer.”

Mike looked taken aback but a smile lit up his face. “Thank you, that’s kind of you to say.”

“There is a car watching the Kaspbrak house and there will be one outside, it’s standard procedure for missing people in case they come back home. If we get a warrant and this works out, then we should be back soon.” Martinez handed Maggie his card. “If anything comes up or the kids show, give us a call.”

“If everything works out,” Maggie asked, “Where will Eddie go? He’s not going back to that woman, and I’m not letting him get put into the system, so he can be abused again. I’d be more than happy to take him in.”

“There’s a few options for that,” Juarez answered. “He’s almost seventeen so he could be emancipated, or you could be his legal guardian. It would depend on his ability to take care of himself but ultimately, the decision is his.”

The officers left after that and Maggie watched them drive off through the window before immediately whirling to face Bill. “How is he?”

“P-pretty bad,” he sighed. “He’s b-beat up and his leg is hurt really b-badly. We got him t-to eat some food and he was asleep when we l-left.”

Maggie paced the living room and the Losers migrated to sit on the couches. “That poor boy, all alone. Well, at least he has Richie, how is Richie? Did he hide his bike, I told him to hide his bike?”

“Yes,” Bev was slumped against Ben’s shoulder, glowering at the carpet. “I hate that we can’t do anything to help.”

“You have helped,” Maggie waved a hand as she continued to wear a hole in the floor. “We can’t legally do anything else. Trust me, I’d be beating down Sonia with a frying pan right now if we didn’t have the damn law. Ugh, I hate all these technicalities and red tape. Eddie should be here, where it’s safe and warm and away from Sonia. Oh, I’m going to kill that woman!”

Maggie continued to mutter to herself, still pacing. Richie really did take after her restless energy and ability to talk for years. Bill watched her for a moment before turning to Stan who was seated next to him.

“Do you t-think they can get a warrant?” Bill asked quietly. “It’s almost nine at night.”

“If the judge is still at her office, then yes. The pharmacy is open until eleven. Since Eddie is a minor, and probably hurt, they’ll want to move quickly. If they’re competent, Eddie should be back with us by tomorrow.” Stan crossed his arms and glanced anxiously at the clock on the wall opposite of them. “If not, I say we go with Richie’s mom plan and beat Sonia with culinary tools.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen... i dont know shit about law i'm a biology major okay law is not my thing. i did some research but the laws today are different than the ones they had in the nineties and there are federal laws but then there's different state laws and i dont live in maine. tbh i mostly went off on what i heard on CSI and Law and Order so blame them
> 
>  
> 
> chapter title from bastards of young by the replacements


	18. there is no distraction to mask what is real, i could pull the steering wheel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie was tired. He wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep until he never woke up again. his body hurt, but it was distant. Eddie was floating. Floating, we all float, floating like red balloons, like Bev suspended in the air, like Eddie should have been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the aftermath
> 
> chapter warning: suicidal thoughts, discussion of past physical and sexual abuse (nothing graphic), depression, dissociation, internalized homophobia

Eddie was floating.

He had been asleep, for a while, but Richie had woken him up. Mike was there, looking concerned but covering it up with a smile. Richie carried Eddie into Mike’s truck while Mike put Richie’s bike in the truck bed. Richie strapped him in his seatbelt before enveloping Eddie in his arms again. Eddie slumped into his side, still drowsy. It must’ve only been a few seconds, but Richie was already shifting him into his arms, carrying him out of the truck. There were flashing lights, police, red and blue, everything was loud. Screaming? No, sirens. Screaming over sirens? Was that him screaming? Someone was touching him, not Richie, not familiar warm hands, cold, clinical, firm. More yelling, more shouting, his head hurt, Richie again, taking the unfamiliar hands away and replacing their cold impressions with warmth.

Eddie was tired. He wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep until he never woke up again. his body hurt, but it was distant. Eddie was floating. Floating, we all float, floating like red balloons, like Bev suspended in the air, like Eddie should have been.

 

 

Richie waited with his head in his hands in the hospital waiting room. Bill and Stan were on either side of him, the other Losers seated around somewhere. He didn’t have the energy to look to see where they were. He kept hearing Eddie’s screams. Eddie had been crying, scared, and confused and alone and a cop had to grab his arms to keep him from pulling Eddie away from the paramedics. His mom had been yelling at the cop to get their hands off her son.

Mike had explained to them on the way to Richie’s house that the cops were there, they had to be if they wanted Sonia gone for good, and that Eddie would probably have to be taken away in an ambulance. Richie just didn’t expect that he wouldn’t be allowed to be with Eddie. When the paramedics tried to take Eddie out of his arms, he reeled back, holding Eddie closer and turning so he could shield him. His mom shoved her way through the crowded driveway, full of cops and paramedics and the Losers and hugged Richie. She ran a hand through Eddie’s hair, inspecting him for injuries.

“What are you doing?” Richie snapped at the paramedics. “I can carry him.”

“He needs to go on the stretcher, it’s just protocol,” the paramedic assured him. “You can follow us and see him at the hospital.”

“No, I fucking won’t because I’m going with him.” Richie said, glaring at him. The cop had come up then, placing his hand on Richie’s shoulder and the paramedic pried Eddie out of his arms. Eddie stirred, blinking awake when they placed him on the stretcher. He glanced around in a daze, obviously not knowing where he was or what was happening and pushed the paramedic away from him. He started to make confused and scared noises, wriggling away from the paramedics reaching for him and when the cop started to hold Richie in place, Richie started yelling and Eddie started screaming. Richie was finally allowed to go to Eddie and calmed him down enough that Eddie passed out again. Richie went in the ambulance with Eddie, and his mom and the Losers would follow them in their cars.

At the hospital, they wheeled Eddie away and Richie was left standing in the waiting room. He was only shaken out of it when Stan stepped in front of him and pulled him into a hug. Richie hadn’t responded at first, but then he curled into Stan and sobbed.

Now, here they were, two hours later in the same waiting room. His mom was speaking to the nurse, trying to pry information out of them, and they hadn’t heard anything about Eddie yet. Richie was exhausted, he could feel every bone in his body ache, so he didn’t notice someone had walked up to him until Stan nudged him. He looked up, recognizing the woman as one of the cops who had been in the driveway.

“I know you must be tired,” she began to say. “But I need your statement. Nothing official, of course, but if we’re going to keep Sonia in jail overnight again, I need something substantial to pin her with.”

Richie stared at her, “I’m not saying shit until Eddie is awake.”

“Richie,” Stan told him quietly. “We don’t know when he’ll wake up. This is Juarez, she’s good, you can tell her.”

Richie looked at her closely, noting the dark circled under her eyes. She hadn’t slept in a while, her shirt was stained with coffee, she obviously was committed to her job.

“What do you want to know?”

“Did Eddie tell you what happened?”

“Briefly,” Richie said flatly. “He was sort of hysterical, I didn’t catch much.”

She pressed her lips together, nodding. “His injuries?”

“Fucked up leg, couldn’t walk on it, bruises, belt marks on his back,” he listed off. “Cut up his hands.”

“Do you have any idea what set Sonia off? From my understanding she was always controlling but had not been physically abusive in years.”

Richie scoffed, his eyes burning with unshed tears. He was too tired to cry again. He wanted to wring Sonia’s neck. How dare she? How could she hurt Eddie? Sweet, beautiful Eddie. Beat up for liking boys, for liking Richie. Richie felt a wave of guilt rush over him. He knew it wasn’t his fault, it’s not like they chose to be like this, but he felt responsible anyway. Eddie was hurt because of Richie, because of who they both were. Richie felt sick.

“She didn’t approve of his friends,” Richie said dryly. “We’re a bad influence on him.”

He sighed, placing his head in his hands again, rubbing his tired eyes. “Do you know if he’s okay?”

Juarez shifted her weight, crossing her arms. “The doctor has informed me that he is not fatally injured. They’re x-raying his leg right now. I will notify you when I hear anything else.”

“Useless nurses,” his mother muttered as she walked up to them. She stopped next to Juarez, “He doesn’t have any family left, we’re his goddamn family and they won’t tell me anything.”

“It’s just protocol,” Juarez said.

“I’m getting real sick of that excuse,” Maggie bit out. She crouched down, so she was level with Richie and placed her hands on his knees, “Are you holding up, sweetheart?”

“I’m fucking great,” he said.

“Well, as long as you’re still sarcastic, you’re fine.” She tucked his hair behind his ear, out of his face only for a moment before it fell back. “I’m going to do everything I can to make sure Eddie is safe, you hear me?”

Richie nodded tiredly. “I know.”

“Good, now sit up, you’ll ruin your back like that. I’m going to get coffee, you can have a cup just this once, Richard, but don’t start thinking you can have one every day. Who else wants coffee? Bev, dear, you’re falling asleep, you too Ben. Oh, never mind, I’m getting everyone a coffee. Stan, Bill, sweethearts can you come help me carry them?”

 

 

Richie was finally allowed into Eddie’s room when the doctor cleared Eddie for visitors. Juarez asked to speak with Eddie when he woke up, but she left Richie alone for now. Richie sat next to Eddie’s bed, lacing his hand with Eddie’s and kissed his knuckles. For the first time since Eddie got wheeled away down the hospital corroder, Richie felt like he could breathe again. He folded himself over the bed, so he could rest his head next to Eddie’s side and closed his eyes. He hadn’t slept in two days. He was too scared to at the clubhouse, certain that if he drifted off, he’d wake up to Eddie lying on the floor, bleeding out from slit wrists. He held onto Eddie’s hand tighter at the image, forcing it out of his head. Eddie was here, with him, and he was safe. Eddie got treated to, the cops have Sonia in custody, and Richie could sleep now.

He was barely drifting off when the door opened. He propped himself up, glancing over. It was just the Losers. Stan and Bill carried in extra chairs while the others spread themselves throughout the small room. Bev ended up next to Richie and she rubbed his shoulder comfortingly.

“Did he wake up at all?” she asked quietly. Richie shook his head. “Okay. Go back to sleep, we’ll tell you if he does.” Richie did just that, still clutching Eddie’s hand tightly.

Richie dreamed of bloody bathroom floors and fingernails digging into soft flesh. Eddie, years ago, tearing at his skin with that empty gaze. He should’ve known then. He wondered if it would happen again, finding Eddie covered in his own blood in the bathroom. He wondered if the next time, fingernails wouldn’t be cutting wrists but knives. He wondered if he could stop the deep cuts to stop bleeding, he wondered if he’d wake up one day to discover Eddie dead.

Something poked at Richie’s face. He wriggled away from it, frowning, but it persisted, cold fingers prodding at his face. Eddie was always cold. He liked shoving his freezing hands up Richie’s shirt and cackling when Richie jumped. He liked holding Richie’s hand, said how it was unfair that Richie was always so warm compared to him.

Eddie.

Richie snapped awake, scrambling to sit up and see him. Eddie was looking at him, a tiny amused smile tugging at his lips for barely a second before fading.

“Eds,” Richie breathed.

Eddie took Richie’s hand again, looking at their intertwined hands with a small frown. Someone nudged Richie’s shoulder and he turned to see Bev. She nodded to the door where Maggie was discussing something with a doctor.

Richie turned back to Eddie, “Are you in any pain?”

Eddie shrugged a shoulder tiredly. He was watching the doctor warily.

“Hey,” Richie said softly, scooting closer and squeezing Eddie’s hand to get his attention. “I’ll be right here the whole time, okay? Nothing bad is going to happen to you, you’re safe.”

Eddie stared at him for a moment, unblinking, until he gave a short nod. Richie kissed his hand gently, clasping it in both of his.

The doctor cleared his throat, walking into the room and picking up Eddie’s chart that was hanging off the bed. Maggie followed, hovering over his shoulder impatiently.

“Hello Eddie,” the doctor said with a familiar smile. “I haven’t seen you in a couple of years now, though I can’t say I’m glad to see you again in the emergency room.” If any person outside of the hospital staff knew Derry’s emergency room as well as they knew the back of their hand, it was Eddie. He had been dragged here since he was three, when his father started having trouble breathing, and after he died, Sonia had dragged Eddie here for something as little as a cough.

“Let’s see here,” the doctor murmured, his eyes skimming the chart in his hands. “You have some deep contusions on your knee, but it did not dislocate, which is good. Hairline fracture on your tibia, some superficial lacerations on your arms. Well, good news is that you won’t need a full cast, but you will require a walking boot. There was a lot of stress on this fracture since it seems like you walked on it for a bit, so I would also recommend using crutches for the first two to three weeks. After that, you should only need the walking boot for another three weeks, but I would like to have a check up on you in case it has not healed properly.”

Richie felt the information sink into his brain and immediately his thoughts went to what would make Eddie most comfortable and what Richie could do to help. He wondered if he could get Eddie into a wheelchair since Eddie’s hands were still scraped to hell. He shouldn’t have to use crutches with them, a wheelchair would be better.

“You’re free to go, though I understand your legal guardian or emergency contact can’t come pick you up, so I will be releasing you to Mrs. Tozier.” The doctor flipped through a couple more pages before he glanced back up. “Do you have any questions?”

Eddie stared at him in silence and only shook his head no.

“I do,” Maggie piped up, “This walking boot, is it easily removable or what? Can he shower in it or does he have to wrap it, what about sleeping? And deep contusions? Is that bad? Should I be looking out for something?”

The doctor did not seem phased by her rapid-fire questions and began answering calmly. Richie tuned them out, glancing at the rest of the Losers. They were still scattered about the room, slumped against each other and yawning. Bill was listening closely to the doctor and Stan looked unimpressed, but Richie knew he was listening just as diligently. Ben and Mike were already discussing something quietly to each other, probably some medical shit they read at the library. Bev sipped her cold coffee and watched Eddie.

“Are you okay going back to my house?” Richie asked Eddie quietly. “If you need something at your house, we can pick it up on the way, or I can go for you.”

Eddie’s hand tightened around Richie’s and his eyes narrowed. Richie got the message; you better not leave me alone. Eddie’s exasperated, and somewhat threatening look soothed something in Richie’s heart. That was his Eds, bossy and full of attitude. Richie had never felt so relieved to be threatened.

 

 

It wasn’t real. None of it seemed real. Maybe at some point it would be, but for now, Eddie felt like he was drifting away from his body and watching his life like a movie. After he got released from the hospital, he was given Richie’s bed. He hadn’t left it since, excluding the times he went to the restroom. He couldn’t stand to be dirty, even if he didn’t feel real. He could control being clean, so he kept himself clean. He didn’t bother using the crutches when he walked, much to Richie’s frustration, but Eddie couldn’t muster up enough energy to care.

Richie was worried, he didn’t have to be a mind reader to know that. He hardly left Eddie alone. Eddie didn’t mind it most of the time, he liked being near Richie, but Eddie wondered if he was holding Richie back. It was summer, they were supposed to be outside having fun. Instead, Eddie had to give a statement to the police about his mother and decide if he wanted to go to the trial or not. He didn’t have to give a testimony, the pictures they took of him at the hospital were more than enough proof, but the police said he could if he wanted to. He didn’t know if he wanted to see his mother again. Thinking about her hurt. Did Eddie want his last memory of her to be beating him and chasing after him with a belt, or be handcuffed and in an orange prison suit? He just wanted to sleep.

He was aware of the Losers stopping by to visit, of Richie’s mom giving him food and chatting while he ate. He knew Richie’s dad knew what had happened because he heard Richie begging him to let Eddie stay.

“I’m not heartless, Richie,” his dad had sighed. “Of course, he can, but after the trial he needs to decide where he wants to be. He’s still a minor.”

Eddie didn’t want to think about what would happen to him after the trial. Richie’s parents had temporary guardianship over him now, but he couldn’t stay here forever. Richie’s parents weren’t wealthy, and Eddie wasn’t selfish enough to take advantage of their kindness. He had no job, no money, and no car. The only thing he had now was the duffle bag full of his meager belongings.

Eddie didn’t know how long it had been. Time was nothing to him. The blinds were kept closed and he slept throughout the day and night. However, it must have been a few weeks when Eddie finally sat up without being asked and glared at Richie who was hovering over him.

“You’re hovering,” he snapped.

Richie looked surprised. “I’m worried.”

“I know,” Eddie rubbed his eyes with a sigh, “I’m not going to kill myself when you’re not looking, Richie. I’m fine.”

It was silent. Eddie glanced up to see Richie’s stricken face. Eddie scooted up a bit and grabbed Richie’s hand, tugging him down to sit in front of him. Richie went along like a puppet without his strings.

“Eddie,” Richie said helplessly.

“I’m not going to kill myself, I already promised you.”

“Eds, no, well I mean yes I was worried about that but no. You’re not fine. You’re not anywhere near fine. You haven’t moved besides going to the bathroom, you hardly speak. I don’t know what to do, Eddie. You look so sad and miserable and I want to help you, but I don’t know how.”

Eddie stared at the bedsheets. Guilt overwhelmed him, and he thought bitterly to himself that he was fucking everything up without even trying. Eddie wasn’t feeling much of anything, only guilt and hatred for himself. Richie was the one who was miserable, sitting and watching him all day.

“You’re hovering,” Eddie repeated uselessly. “Just leave, Richie.”

Richie froze before shuffling closer to Eddie and reaching for his hand. He held on desperately, “I don’t want to leave.”

“Yes, you do, just leave me alone. Go away, go do something. I hate that you’re in here with me being miserable, just leave.”

“I’m not miserable,” Richie said softly. He gently lifted Eddie’s chin so Eddie was forced to meet his eyes. Eddie didn’t want to. He couldn’t talk to Richie’s face, he didn’t want to see what he had done to him. Richie looked pale and tired, dark smudges underneath his eyes. “I’m with you.”

For the first time since the Losers hideout, Eddie felt tears burn behind his eyes. “You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do,” Richie insisted. “Eddie, you’re my best friend, you’re the only person I’ve ever been in love with. I don’t want to be anywhere else but at your side. I’m not sad, I’m worried about you.”

“Shut up,” Eddie whispered, shutting his eyes. “You're hovering over me, just like she did, I'm sick of it. Go away, Richie.”

For a few minutes all Eddie could hear was his heart pounding in his chest. He hated himself more than ever but it was better if Richie went away, wasn't it? Then at least only one of them would be sad.

“I’ll go if you want me to,” Richie said quietly. “I didn't mean to-" he cut himself off with a tired sigh. "Eddie, I don't - I'll just go."

Eddie stubbornly stayed silent and only opened his eyes when he felt Richie let go of his hand. Richie was watching him, and he nodded once before standing up. Eddie immediately wanted to take back his words, hold on to Richie and never let go. He didn’t move, however, and watched Richie leave without another word. The door shut quietly after him.

 

 

Beverly came to visit him after Richie had left. It had been a couple of hours now and Eddie had spent his time curled up on his side, staring at the wall. He didn’t turn around when the bedroom door opened. Bev didn’t speak immediately. Instead, Eddie heard the soft sound of footsteps before the bed dipped next to him as she sat down. She didn’t say anything after that and Eddie was almost grateful but mostly annoyed. He didn’t say a word.

“Richie is at Bill’s, if you’re wondering,” she said after what felt like half an hour. “He wouldn’t say what was wrong, but he was upset. I figured something happened between you two.”

“Wow, your deduction skills are amazing,” Eddie said dryly, his voice hoarse with disuse. “Did you want a fucking prize, or did you come over just to make me feel shittier?”

Beverly ignored him. “The others are worried about you. We miss you.”

He glared at the wall in front of him silently.

“I’m not going to coddle you,” Bev continued unperturbed. “It fucking sucks that your mom is a homophobic, abusive piece of shit, but life doesn’t stop because you’re sad. You’re not the only one going through shit.”

Bev sighed, and he heard the sheets rustling as she leaned her back on the headboard of the bed and stretched out her legs.

“When they arrested my dad, I was relieved to not have to deal with him anymore, but I didn’t think about what would happen after. I still think about him sometimes. You never forget about what they did to you. I’m not scared of him anymore, but in my memories, I’m not who I am now, I’m that scared little girl and she’s terrified of him. That never goes away. You just get used to it.

“I hate that he still fucks with my head like this. I hate that he still gets to hurt me, even if he’s a million miles away rotting in prison. He always said such horrible shit to me and I believed it for so long. I thought, in some fucked up way, that I must have deserved it because why else would he do it? If I had just acted better, been a good girl, then he wouldn’t have to hurt me. But that was bullshit. That’s what he wanted me to think so I wouldn’t fight back.”

Bev fell silent for a few heartbeats; he could hear her fiddling with the bracelets on her wrist.

“I still believed it after they took him away. I hated that I did, but it was all I knew. I didn’t think I deserved nice things. I didn’t think I should enjoy stuff, like I was still being punished by him, but it was in my head. You guys helped a lot. I didn’t have friends before and it meant a lot to me that you didn’t treat me differently than anyone else. You knew the rumors, you knew the truth eventually, but it didn’t change how you saw me. I was just Bev, your friend.

“I don’t know what she told you, but I know that whatever it was, it is a lie. You don’t deserve to be punished, you didn’t deserve what she did to you. She was the fucked up one and she deserves whatever sentence they give her. You’re not a burden, you’re not what she said, and you can have nice things. You can enjoy whatever the fuck you want. She doesn’t get to control you anymore.”

Eddie had stayed silent as she talked but after she was done, he couldn’t hold back the small sniffles that came with crying. Bev didn’t do anything else but sit there as he laid there absorbing her words.

“Why did they do it? What did we do to them that made them hate us?” he asked eventually.

“We didn’t do anything, Eddie, that’s the point. I won’t pretend to understand what they were thinking. I don’t think there’s any understanding with them. Sometimes people are just shitty and take it out on others. Maybe someone else was shitty to them first, maybe not. It doesn’t matter. All that matters are that they were wrong.”

He rolled over to face her and she looked down at him. Her face was pale and still, but her eyes were warm.

“I don’t know why I told him to go away,” he confessed quietly, wiping his eyes dry. “I just didn’t want him to be miserable because of me.”

“No one can make Richie do anything he doesn’t want to do. If he stays by your side, it’s because he wants to.” Bev shrugged. “If you want to be alone, then tell him that but if you think you’re doing it for him or whatever then that’s bullshit. You need to decide that, I can’t tell you what to do.”

Eddie picked at the blanket in front of him. “Thanks, Bev.”

“You don’t need to thank me, I’m your friend, of course I’m going to help you.”

“Just accept the thanks.”

“Fine. You can thank me by coming to movie night on Friday. It’s not the same without you two losers there talking over the movie. I never thought I’d miss Richie’s dick jokes.”

Eddie snorted out a laugh. “Don’t tell him that or he’ll never shut up. He’s bad enough as it is.”

“He already never shuts up, that’s nothing new.”

 

 

Eddie had showered, changed, eaten dinner and brushed his teeth by the time Richie came home. He was walking back to Richie’s bedroom when Richie burst out of it, looking around wildly. When he saw Eddie standing there, his shoulders dropped with relief. He looked over Eddie like he was checking for injuries before jerking his gaze up to Eddie’s face, looking oddly hesitant.

“I’m sorry for hovering,” he said after a moment. Eddie sighed, walking past him into the bedroom and plopping down on the bed. Richie hesitantly followed him, closing the door, and standing awkwardly by the foot of the bed. Richie rarely looked out of place or uncomfortable, but right now Eddie didn’t think he had seen Richie more uncertain than he was right now.

“I’m sorry for being mean,” Eddie said, and taking pity on him, made grabby hands at Richie. Richie bolted into action as if he was afraid Eddie would change his mind, and darted into Eddie’s arms, almost throwing Eddie off balance. Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie’s waist tightly, his face tucked into Eddie’s neck as he squeezed the life out of him.

“I’m sorry, I won’t hover.” Richie mumbled against his shoulder. “I’m just worried about you, I want you to be happy.”

“I’m not mad at you, Rich,” Eddie promised him, holding onto Richie just as tightly. “I know you're not anything like her. I was being an asshole because I was angry, and scared, and I took it out on you.”

“Scared?” Richie pulled away enough to look at Eddie’s face. “Why are you scared?”

Eddie shrugged, avoiding his eyes. “I don’t know.”

“Eds,” Richie implored.

Eddie rested his forehead against Richie’s chest, so he didn’t have to look at him. “I was scared you’d hate me.”

“What?” Richie’s tone was incredulous. “Eddie, why would I hate you?”

Eddie shrugged helplessly.

“Eddie,” Richie said beseechingly, “Eddie, look at me.”

Eddie firmly did not do that because nope, no thanks.

“Eds,” Richie said in a softer tone. “Baby, please look at me.”

Goddammit, Eddie thought, Richie knew that Eddie was powerless when he called him that. He reluctantly looked up, meeting his gaze for a moment before darting to the side. Richie unwrapped one arm from him and gently lifted Eddie’s chin.

“Eddie,” Richie said quietly. “Why do you think I’d hate you?”

Eddie anxiously bit at the inside of his cheek before sighing. “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.”

Eddie scowled at Richie’s t shirt. “I hate when you do that.”

“You suck at lying.”

“You suck.”

“Yeah, I do, but that’s not what we’re talking about.”

Eddie felt his face flush furiously. “Jesus Christ, Richie.”

“Come on, tell me,” Richie persisted. “Why won’t you tell me? I’m not going to laugh or anything, I promise.”

Eddie squirmed uncomfortably. “I didn’t want you to start to resent me for keeping you inside when you should be out with everyone else,” he said grudgingly. “And I didn’t deserve it anyway.”

“Deserve what?”

“You were being so nice to me,” Eddie mumbled out. “You’re so sweet and good and I don’t deserve it.”

“What?” Richie slid both hands to cup Eddie’s face. “Eddie, please look at me for a second.”

Eddie winced, preparing himself for the worst, but Richie only looked confused.

“Why would you think you don’t deserve being treated kindly?” Richie asked. “Eddie, if you didn’t notice by now, I love you. I’m your boyfriend, why would I be mean to you?”

Eddie could feel his eyes burn with tears and he desperately wanted to look away. He wanted to curl up in a corner and hide himself.

“Baby,” Richie soothed when he saw Eddie’s tears, kissing his temple and cheeks, “Baby, don’t cry, please talk to me. Don’t cry,”

“There had to be a reason,” Eddie could feel himself trembling from restraining sobs. “Why would she do it, otherwise? What did I do wrong, why does she hate me? I had to have done something, then, to deserve it. Because I did deserve it, I was bad, I was wrong, I’m wrong Richie, I’m dirty and wrong.”

“Eddie, no, you’re not.” Richie looked distressed and horrified and it made Eddie feel more ashamed. “You didn’t do anything, she was a shitty person and she abused you because she was fucked up. You didn’t do anything wrong, you’re not wrong or dirty or bad, you didn’t deserve it.”

Eddie was shaking apart, unable to hold back the sobs that clawed in his chest. Richie gathered him in his arms and kissed the top of his head fervently while Eddie sobbed into his chest.

“You’re beautiful, you’re perfect, I wish you could see how I see you. You’re the best person I’ve ever met, you’re the best thing in my life. I love you, I love you so much. I’ll tell you everyday until you believe me, and then I’ll still tell you everyday for the rest of our lives. Eddie, how could I ever hate you? How could I do anything but love you?”

Eddie clung onto Richie as he cried, letting Richie rock him soothingly until he ran out of tears. He was halfway in Richie’s lap by then and Eddie was too exhausted to do anything but lean into Richie and let him soothe him. Richie kissed his hair and murmured “I love you” between kisses.

“Please tell me when you feel like this,” Richie said when Eddie’s cries faded into sniffles. “Please tell me, baby, I never want you to think that you don’t deserve love or that you’re alone. You’re the most precious thing in my life, please let me be there for you, Eddie.”

Eddie nodded tiredly against his chest. “I’m sorry,”

“You don’t have to apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Richie rearranged them until they were lying under the covers and Richie was curled around Eddie protectively with Eddie’s face pressed against his chest. Eddie curled his fists into Richie’s shirt, letting Richie tuck the blanket over him.

“I love you,” Eddie told him.

Richie kissed his forehead. “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have i ever mentioned how much i love my daughter bev???? i would die for her
> 
> chapter title from "migraine" by twenty one pilots

**Author's Note:**

> in case you were wondering, yes the title of this story did come from Toto's Africa and i am unashamed that song is a bop.


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